Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Power of Touch

*DISCLAIMER* I'm well aware that the following events may cause any of my friends who read this blog to think I've officially lost my mind. If someone [just 4 months ago] had told me this happened to them I'm sure I would have labeled them a religious nut. I promise you though my mind... it's very much still intact.

First week back at school. From Sunday up until yesterday have been some of the best, and the hardest days yet. Walking this road at school is a lot harder when you've been in a protective bubble for 7 weeks. There are a LOT of things that have happened this week... but I'm just going to hit on one.

Wednesday. My friend wanted to come to church with me again. I unhappily reminded her what time it started. Well about 15 minutes or more into service she hadn't showed, and a little part of me was glad [yet guilty feeling]. Right in the middle of worship I heard this jingle of a purse and felt my friend that was next to me move away. I glanced up just in time to see the other friend come in the pew. I just reminded myself that it was me and God worship zone. No one else can effect me and Him. Well a lady spoke. Then someone else interpreted, and that friend sat down and began crying so I just reached over and put my hand on her back. No big deal. So we all sit down for the pastor to start bring the message, and I just reached over and put my arm around my friend. Once again. No big deal. Well she wrote me a note, and as soon as she started writing it I knew. It was the one thing on a very short list, that my group of friends has yet to deal with. Then all of a sudden it was mentally checked off. My friend's husband had an affair. I immediately moved the stuff between us to the other side of myself, and scooted as close to her as I could get without one of us sitting on the other, and she just started sobbing. I've never held someone in such a way that I was all but covering them, but I did that night. It was basically to try and soothe her, and quiet her because I was about to be center of attention with all the noise I was sitting next to. So she calms down. So I take my arm away, but don't move. We're just sitting with our shoulders touching. Well she reaches her arm through mine, and grabs my opposite hand so are arms are all tangled up in each other. Pastor is preaching about something I don't even remember, but I do remember he said something about hearts breaking for what breaks His, and I literally started having this dull chest pain and tears just started streaming down my face. Luckily I managed to do it somewhat stoically instead of the ugly cry that usually happens [and within a few minutes DID happen]. I was on the 2nd row though so It was pretty clear that I was crying. Eventually my friend let go of my hand, and I got some circulation back to my hand, but it's like we could separate. I had to let her know I was there. I stopped crying, and I [like a dumb dumb] thought I was good to go... then altar call happened.

No sooner did my pastor tell us to stand up and bow our heads that my friend completely and totally lost it. I'm not talking the sobbing when your sad. I'm talking that wailing that happens when your heart has been broken. That cry... it crumbled my heart... it's not a cry you forget. She's sitting with her head bowed weeping, and I'm standing next to hear. Once again... I put my hand on her back to calm her down. [Insert my ugly cry here.] I have one hand on her back, and the other hand balled up in a fist covering my mouth trying to hide the fact that I'm weeping right along side her. Finally there is a group of 4 that were praying over my friend, and then I was there too. All of a sudden I couldn't catch my breath, and just felt like I had to separate myself from her. So I walked to the altar, faced her, stretched my hand out, and kept praying. Just crying out to God to heal her broken heart.

For what seemed like an eternity I sat there. Just waiting. I don't know for what, but I was waiting. Then two of my friends that had been praying for the broken friend came with that friend and got me to go back to the prayer room. Then the story comes out. I'm still crying at this point. That snotty, gross, can't catch your breath cry. Then she says the thing that literally took what little breath I had away from me. She said the thing that bothers her most is that if she leaves her husband she'd have to listen to her 2 year old daughter ask every night where her daddy was. I was done by that point, and told them I had to step away for a second. And in reality I didn't say it... I more like barely audibly choked it out. I had to find Cindy. It wasn't a "oh I might want to talk to her." It was an intense NEED to just be near her. So I walked back into the sanctuary. Talked to her, and got some wisdom. Cleared my mind. Let her love on me. CAUGHT MY BREATH. Told her bye and that I loved her, and went back into the prayer room.

Unbeknownst to me the pastor was coming back there to talk to my friend. So I sit down about half a seat away from her because I don't want to touch her AT ALL because every time I had that night I literally could feel what she felt. So she starts spilling to the pastor and is as calm as can be. MY waterworks, on the other hand, sprung forth like an out of control leaky faucet. My two friends that had been praying for the other friend were trying to calm me, but laughing at me all at the same time because they knew what was going on.

Here's the thing... all that business. Feeling what my friend felt. That was the Holy Spirit. My friend knows that I was hurting for her, but she doesn't quite understand that I actually felt it.

It's funny how I don't like to be touched, but God has brought me on such a wild journey that depending on my relationship with the person I can feel what the feel, and hurt as they hurt in a way that has never ever happened to me before. So now that I'm slowly getting past not liking to be touched... I now am scared to death to touch anyone that I love dearly who may be having a highly emotional moment.

Awesome.

God picked a heck of a week to mess with me, but it was an amazing week... no matter how difficult it was too. I had joy, and still have it. I love my life, and know God has led me here for a purpose.

So blessed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Walls

I clearly have walls built up. My best friends know it. Those I barely know are aware of it. My family I'm sure is aware of it. These past 4 months I've slowly tried to let God chip away at that wall. I can't even worship freely because I feel so... bound. If I give it all to Him, and I get hurt than I've given way too much. I know He won't hurt me though, and that's why I'm trying so stinkin' hard to let my walls down. To just give it over, and quit holding back. So today...

A lady spoke. Another lady translated. Walls. Break 'em down. Once again... God might as well have had them tack on my full name, date of birth, and SSN to that because it was me dead on. My prayer when I got home was, "break down the walls sweet Jesus". You wanna talk about instant issue request granted? Holy moly did it ever. Sort of.

My dad has been wanting to talk to me for a couple of days. He wanted to have a "deep conversation". Joy. I called yesterday. No answer. My friend from church said maybe it wasn't the right time to talk to him, and that God was protecting me. In my bad attitudeness I was thinking, "yeah whatever. My dad's just flaky." So I called today. No answer. He texts me back and asks to call in 5 minutes. An HOUR AND A HALF later I text him telling him it's been more than 5 minutes. He asks if he can call in 20. Yeah okay whatever fine. So he calls. He was wanting to discuss the "call" to ministry. Wanted to know how things have changed recently in my life regarding that, and a bunch of other stuff. I told him honest to goodness I couldn't explain it to even my best friends. He said his prayer is that eventually I'll be able to share with him. Bleck. I was still having a semi-tude at this point in the conversation, and all I could think was, "not happenin' mister". Too much hurt. So we continue to talk and I explain best I can about this whole transition. I said that my experience isn't going to be everyone's. God grabbing hold of me has manifested in a lot of different things... one in particular... getting rid of stuff. I have got an acute awareness of things just being material so I'm cleaning my house out. I changed my standards for a lot of other things too including what I watch and read. He asked who all had ministered to me the past 4 months. I told him several, but there's only been one that truly has impacted me in an irreversible way and that's Mrs Cindy. He asked why and I told him because she lets me go at my own pace. Never pushes me. She's my "protector". She knows I don't like to be touched really so she watches out for me if I go to pray. It was weird explaining it, but I did the best I could. So the conversation continues and then the wind got knocked out of me by his next question...

"How angry are you?" and in my head I thought, "I'm sorry, WHAT?!" Not in an angry way... more of a my brain went frantic with that ever so personal question. I had to play dumb just to get my bearings. Complete silence came from my end of the phone. So to stall I asked him, "concerning what?". Him- "About me and your mom divorcing." Still stalling, "like on a scale of 1 to 10?" I eventually told him it depended on the day, but most of the time I wasn't that angry. His next words seriously knocked me for a loop. "Well I want to apologize because I know it's my fault for you being the way you are." Huh?? That's right. For the first time ever my father admitted the divorce was his fault. He said he knew that me not liking to really be touched is his fault. It's all his fault. And then... he asked for my forgiveness. Now you know how it is when someone asks for forgiveness. You say, "oh yeah I forgive. Blah blah blah." Well... I didn't. For once in my life I was honest with him, and said, "I'm working on it." It's not mean. It's factual. And he said that it was all he could ask.

Apparently that short little prayer I shot heavenly a few hours before was a direct message cause it got answered. I feel like a big chip just fell out of my wall. Is it going to take time? Yes. But I know I can't honestly tell him right now I forgive him. Soon probably. But not today.

That God... He knocks me off my feet all the time.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Difference A Year Makes

Yesterday was R-O-U-G-H! I went to church last night. Typical good mood. Then during worship I felt so stinkin' attacked by the enemy. The "whys", and "what ifs", and "your nots" and all the other insecurities crept in. Then someone jokingly said something, but technically overstepped their boundaries in the process. It was all over then. I was frustrated, upset, and quite frankly pissed off. I just wanted to know when it was going to be my turn to worship freely. To give my all to the God that gave me His all. That's taken every single zig zagged step I've taken. That even though I kept running away, He was there with open arms when I came falling and torn back to His arms. I basically had a big tantrum from last night until this afternoon. I was in tears for longer than I care to think about. No one anyone said made me feel better. I was riding that line of wanting to talk to Mrs. Cindy and get advice, and wanting people to just leave me alone and forget about me because this whole process gets hard then just when I think I can catch my breath I feel attacked again. Mrs. Cindy said to me, "if you look back over the last 3 months and write down every spiritual accomplishment you had compared to the defeats they would far outweigh the bad." There was a whole lot of other conversation besides that, but that hit me. Yet I didn't want to look back. Then this afternoon I flipped open my group of friends Bible study book we did last summer. That I led. How I led it in the place I was in and we didn't come out worse I don't know, but here is what it said... [all the rest of this is in a Facebook note... which I NEVER write a personal note like that on FB. Too personal for the most impersonal social networking site EVER. Not to mention... everyone can see it. Few people I know, know about this blog. And I like it that way.] Anyways... here's what I wrote.

"Do you presently have a yearning for the presence of God? I'm not talking about guilty feelings or even conviction of sin when He's not your priority. I'm referring to a yearning for God that draws you over and over into His presence. A yearning that makes only a few days without time in prayer and His Word seem like an eternity"- Beth Moore 'Breaking Free'

Next to that paragraph, a year ago, I wrote "no". Today it's a very loud yes. A few days without and I'm feeling under attack like no other. My mood shifts, and it's like my world is crumbling. Just 4 short months ago I probably would have said "no" still. It's amazing to me how God has, and continues to, move in my life. It isn't without hard days. However, it is good. And there is JOY in my life that I don't think has ever been there in this magnitude. There are people that have God has put in my path to get me to this place, and for that I am so grateful. God got a hold of me, and I didn't even know I needed to be grabbed. He's capture my heart on a whole new level, and often times left me speechless. He's made me realize this is a journey. Not a race. I'm so thankful He knows what we need when we don't, and meets us where we're at. So blessed.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

conversations

These past three weeks. Goodness. This post took me 3 days to write. Yes. Three. So if you're brave enough to read it more power to you. Let's start at the beginning...

So three weeks ago yesterday [it was a Sunday... just go with it]. I was at church, which is basically where I live these days, and that night the sermon was on Faith. I was at a point at feeling extremely alone in this journey I've been on the past few months. I loved my little "Faith World", and but was desperate to share it with those in my "real world". I went to the altar that night and just cried. I've never cried over legitimately feeling alone. But I was there that night. I left that service knowing one thing... it was time to tell those at FBC that I wasn't coming back. I felt like God was whispering to my heart that I wasn't just keeping a simple "secret" by not telling anyone about my church change. I was ultimately hiding Him. I was keeping secret all that He had been doing for me. Why should I be afraid to show my joy? The joy that He had brought me the past 3 months. That would be reality check numero uno. [Never fear... He spiritually checked me a couple of more times just this past week. Ouch]. Anyways... I got in touch with the ones I needed to tell face to face, and planned it for that Wednesday.

Well that same day I was going to talk to these dear ones [I was a nervous wreck by the way], and one of my best friends emailed me at work. We started emailing back and forth, and she eventually asked if I would mind if she came to church that night just to see what it was about because she wanted that hunger that'd got ahold of me. I was pumped because one of my friends was going to come to church for once. Just once, right? Well I went and talked to my FBCers. They went better than I could have imagined, but were still hard.

So my friend came to church. I was super nervous just because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with anything. Much to my surprise... she LOVED it. And I finally had someone in my "real world" that got it. Then I panicked. I realized that I was in a spot where I was still needing help being walked on this journey, yet all of a sudden I had this person I was having to walk with too... and explain things that even I was unsure of. I felt pressure like none other. Anyways.. Shelbi came back that Sunday night. That also happened to be the night [July 31st] that a woman named Charity who I had just met the day before spoke out a message that God might as well have tagged my name onto the front of message. It was like a direct hit. Thorns in the heart affecting my relationship with God? Indeed. It was so intensely powerful I had to sit down... and then me and Mrs. Cindy started laughing because it was just so bizarre how direct it was. Needless to say I ended up in the "prayer line" that night, and Shelbi ended up coming to pray over me with everyone else. That's where the guard went up. I was so aware of her being there that it caused a complete loss of focus. I eventually, after almost a week of feeling guilty, realized that this church thing wasn't about whether Shelbi was next to me. It wasn't "Shelbi & Megan worship time". My time at church was just that... my time with God. Me and Him. Period. That would be spiritual reality check dos.

So I go through this past week feeling just kind of "whatever". Well I had a friend that wasn't sure she was going to be able to come back to school in August because of money, and by "wasn't sure" I mean wasn't. At all. I was devastated because we have kind of helped each other stay up in this program. We were each other's sounding board. So Monday I told her that I just couldn't believe that God would close this door when He had opened so many for her to be there in the first place. I said I was going to pray about it, and she WOULD be in school. Next day I get a call, and she informed me there had been a mistake with her aid... she WAS going to be back. I was so stinkin' thrilled. Well on the way back from something at church that night I very clearly heard God ask me, "Why are you so able to believe I'll provide for other's needs, yet you don't even have faith like a mustard seed that I'll provide for YOU?" Um.. ouch? Spiritual reality check THREE!

The next day at church is our "Encounter" service. It's just Wednesday, but I love it. Well I just kind of meandered through service, and then it hit me. It was time. Time to talk about the ONE thing I never share. That the times I have shared it's bit me in the butt. However, it was clear that it was time. Here's the deal... 2 days before at Bible study I was asked afterwards to consider leading Bible study the next Monday [today]. I new I had to. I felt it. But Wednesday night I knew I couldn't until I came clean. So I met Mrs. Cindy Thursday. Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that a conversation had the potential to change your relationship with that person forever, but you knew it had to happen. Welcome to where I was a week ago. Funny thing about that conversation… if anything it made us closer. And it was the first time I’ve talked about everything, and NOT cried. I know God has brought me to a place of realizing that those situations don’t define me anymore, ya know? So it was just a precious time to me with Mrs. Cindy. What started as a quick conversation in my head turned into us talking for an hour and a half. Just me and her in the big sanctuary chatting. Loved that moment.

Saturday I went to a friend’s little girls 2 year old birthday party… which is huge considering that little girl is a big part of what made me decide to go back to nursing school since she spent the first 5 weeks of life in Children’s. Afterwards I went out to see a friend from church for a “couple of hours”… yeah we talked from 8:30 until 3:30 in the morning NON-STOP! It was a neat conversation though being able to discuss church, and the whole Shelbi situation, and just life in general.

By the time Sunday rolled around not only was I tired from the late night conversation the night before, but I was stressed out about what God wanted me to speak about at Bible study. I really felt like I needed to talk about insecurity, but I just couldn’t figure out what or where to start. That night at church I was sitting on the front row [which I flip flop between that row with Mrs. Cindy or the row behind that one to sit with two other friends… just keeping things interesting. Haha!] Anyways, I went into church in a bad mood that night… like almost didn’t go because I was so pissy. Glad I did though. J It was an incredible night of worship, and when the pastor gave the altar call I didn’t feel like I needed to respond, but he encouraged everyone who didn’t feel like the needed to respond to at least fill the altar and pray for those who had. Well I just came off the pew and sat in the floor. I’ve worshiped before, but I feel like that night I really started to WORSHIP. It wasn’t without fight though. I sat there at first in tears because I honestly wasn’t sure I could keep on this journey. It’s hard, and most of the time I feel like I just don’t get it. However, just when I was thinking “I’m done”… and basically throwing a tantrum, the worship band started playing Revelation Song by Kari Jobe. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER! And something happened… I just raised my hand, continued praying, and worshiped the One of had brought me to this place. About that time Mrs. Cindy came and sat down and started praying for me. I didn’t know it was her because I looked up… it was one of those things where I just knew it was her because I felt her presence, and by no means do I mean that as equal to feeling God’s presence. I just mean I know her well enough to know when she’s near me. She’s what I refer to as my “church momma”. So immediately she starts whispering a prayer over me, which I can’t hear because altar call got a LOT loud that night, and I literally started sobbing. One of THOSE moments. I look up and she just kind of wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close. Let me just say… I don’t like to be loved on… and I don’t even let my own mother love on me the way Mrs. Cindy does. BUT the next words out of Mrs. Cindy’s mouth were, “isn’t it funny how God has allowed you to let me love you?” Yes. Funny indeed. Because honestly… it’s not normal for me to let someone get as close to me as Mrs. Cindy has. Even my closest friends aren’t ever that close to me because I won’t let them. I told her that I was feeling completely inadequate about leading study on Monday. That I knew He might wait until 10 minutes prior to tell me what I needed to do, but I still didn’t understand why He would choose someone like me, who was needing to be spiritually spoon fed right now, to lead. Then I was quickly reminded that He can use anyone.

Monday rolls around, and I had the longest and best conversation with a friend… I’m talking we talked for over 6 hours. It helped that we were working right next to each other that day. J but that night I went to Bible study, and it got about 5 minutes AFTER we were suppose to start, and no one but Mrs. Cindy had showed. I honestly had the nerve to believe God had answered my prayer for no one to show up. Dumb, right? Well eventually 4 people rolled in including a Carrie for moral support. So I start stuttering and stammering over insecurity, and I realized it wasn’t right. He didn’t necessarily want me talking about that. He wanted me tell my story about me coming to that church. So off I went, and boy did He bless it. It was so amazing and comforting to me to know that even the women who were born and raised in a Pentecostal church felt the way I did sometimes. We still talked about insecurity a little bit, but ultimately God used that time to teach me and everyone else that we all didn’t understand, completely, the things that happen sometimes, and how God moves. And this lady named Dora, who prayed at me at Awaken, and I think is pretty awesome said, “I don’t think I would want to serve a god I can understand.” Amen.

Then last night of all things at CR for the women to talk about in group… insecurity. Talk about God’s confirmation. So if you’ve made it through this entire post… congrats. I just need to document this stuff, and it’s faster for me to type than write because my brain moves at breaking the sound barrier pace sometimes. Ha!

This road I’m on, that we [especially as Believers] are all on, is a journey. Not a race. We don’t get to a spot and stay, at least we shouldn’t. We grow. We may stay there for a season or more, and then keep going. This is a journey I’m SUCH a fan of though.