I clearly have walls built up. My best friends know it. Those I barely know are aware of it. My family I'm sure is aware of it. These past 4 months I've slowly tried to let God chip away at that wall. I can't even worship freely because I feel so... bound. If I give it all to Him, and I get hurt than I've given way too much. I know He won't hurt me though, and that's why I'm trying so stinkin' hard to let my walls down. To just give it over, and quit holding back. So today...
A lady spoke. Another lady translated. Walls. Break 'em down. Once again... God might as well have had them tack on my full name, date of birth, and SSN to that because it was me dead on. My prayer when I got home was, "break down the walls sweet Jesus". You wanna talk about instant issue request granted? Holy moly did it ever. Sort of.
My dad has been wanting to talk to me for a couple of days. He wanted to have a "deep conversation". Joy. I called yesterday. No answer. My friend from church said maybe it wasn't the right time to talk to him, and that God was protecting me. In my bad attitudeness I was thinking, "yeah whatever. My dad's just flaky." So I called today. No answer. He texts me back and asks to call in 5 minutes. An HOUR AND A HALF later I text him telling him it's been more than 5 minutes. He asks if he can call in 20. Yeah okay whatever fine. So he calls. He was wanting to discuss the "call" to ministry. Wanted to know how things have changed recently in my life regarding that, and a bunch of other stuff. I told him honest to goodness I couldn't explain it to even my best friends. He said his prayer is that eventually I'll be able to share with him. Bleck. I was still having a semi-tude at this point in the conversation, and all I could think was, "not happenin' mister". Too much hurt. So we continue to talk and I explain best I can about this whole transition. I said that my experience isn't going to be everyone's. God grabbing hold of me has manifested in a lot of different things... one in particular... getting rid of stuff. I have got an acute awareness of things just being material so I'm cleaning my house out. I changed my standards for a lot of other things too including what I watch and read. He asked who all had ministered to me the past 4 months. I told him several, but there's only been one that truly has impacted me in an irreversible way and that's Mrs Cindy. He asked why and I told him because she lets me go at my own pace. Never pushes me. She's my "protector". She knows I don't like to be touched really so she watches out for me if I go to pray. It was weird explaining it, but I did the best I could. So the conversation continues and then the wind got knocked out of me by his next question...
"How angry are you?" and in my head I thought, "I'm sorry, WHAT?!" Not in an angry way... more of a my brain went frantic with that ever so personal question. I had to play dumb just to get my bearings. Complete silence came from my end of the phone. So to stall I asked him, "concerning what?". Him- "About me and your mom divorcing." Still stalling, "like on a scale of 1 to 10?" I eventually told him it depended on the day, but most of the time I wasn't that angry. His next words seriously knocked me for a loop. "Well I want to apologize because I know it's my fault for you being the way you are." Huh?? That's right. For the first time ever my father admitted the divorce was his fault. He said he knew that me not liking to really be touched is his fault. It's all his fault. And then... he asked for my forgiveness. Now you know how it is when someone asks for forgiveness. You say, "oh yeah I forgive. Blah blah blah." Well... I didn't. For once in my life I was honest with him, and said, "I'm working on it." It's not mean. It's factual. And he said that it was all he could ask.
Apparently that short little prayer I shot heavenly a few hours before was a direct message cause it got answered. I feel like a big chip just fell out of my wall. Is it going to take time? Yes. But I know I can't honestly tell him right now I forgive him. Soon probably. But not today.
That God... He knocks me off my feet all the time.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Difference A Year Makes
Yesterday was R-O-U-G-H! I went to church last night. Typical good mood. Then during worship I felt so stinkin' attacked by the enemy. The "whys", and "what ifs", and "your nots" and all the other insecurities crept in. Then someone jokingly said something, but technically overstepped their boundaries in the process. It was all over then. I was frustrated, upset, and quite frankly pissed off. I just wanted to know when it was going to be my turn to worship freely. To give my all to the God that gave me His all. That's taken every single zig zagged step I've taken. That even though I kept running away, He was there with open arms when I came falling and torn back to His arms. I basically had a big tantrum from last night until this afternoon. I was in tears for longer than I care to think about. No one anyone said made me feel better. I was riding that line of wanting to talk to Mrs. Cindy and get advice, and wanting people to just leave me alone and forget about me because this whole process gets hard then just when I think I can catch my breath I feel attacked again. Mrs. Cindy said to me, "if you look back over the last 3 months and write down every spiritual accomplishment you had compared to the defeats they would far outweigh the bad." There was a whole lot of other conversation besides that, but that hit me. Yet I didn't want to look back. Then this afternoon I flipped open my group of friends Bible study book we did last summer. That I led. How I led it in the place I was in and we didn't come out worse I don't know, but here is what it said... [all the rest of this is in a Facebook note... which I NEVER write a personal note like that on FB. Too personal for the most impersonal social networking site EVER. Not to mention... everyone can see it. Few people I know, know about this blog. And I like it that way.] Anyways... here's what I wrote.
"Do you presently have a yearning for the presence of God? I'm not talking about guilty feelings or even conviction of sin when He's not your priority. I'm referring to a yearning for God that draws you over and over into His presence. A yearning that makes only a few days without time in prayer and His Word seem like an eternity"- Beth Moore 'Breaking Free'
Next to that paragraph, a year ago, I wrote "no". Today it's a very loud yes. A few days without and I'm feeling under attack like no other. My mood shifts, and it's like my world is crumbling. Just 4 short months ago I probably would have said "no" still. It's amazing to me how God has, and continues to, move in my life. It isn't without hard days. However, it is good. And there is JOY in my life that I don't think has ever been there in this magnitude. There are people that have God has put in my path to get me to this place, and for that I am so grateful. God got a hold of me, and I didn't even know I needed to be grabbed. He's capture my heart on a whole new level, and often times left me speechless. He's made me realize this is a journey. Not a race. I'm so thankful He knows what we need when we don't, and meets us where we're at. So blessed.
"Do you presently have a yearning for the presence of God? I'm not talking about guilty feelings or even conviction of sin when He's not your priority. I'm referring to a yearning for God that draws you over and over into His presence. A yearning that makes only a few days without time in prayer and His Word seem like an eternity"- Beth Moore 'Breaking Free'
Next to that paragraph, a year ago, I wrote "no". Today it's a very loud yes. A few days without and I'm feeling under attack like no other. My mood shifts, and it's like my world is crumbling. Just 4 short months ago I probably would have said "no" still. It's amazing to me how God has, and continues to, move in my life. It isn't without hard days. However, it is good. And there is JOY in my life that I don't think has ever been there in this magnitude. There are people that have God has put in my path to get me to this place, and for that I am so grateful. God got a hold of me, and I didn't even know I needed to be grabbed. He's capture my heart on a whole new level, and often times left me speechless. He's made me realize this is a journey. Not a race. I'm so thankful He knows what we need when we don't, and meets us where we're at. So blessed.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
conversations
These past three weeks. Goodness. This post took me 3 days to write. Yes. Three. So if you're brave enough to read it more power to you. Let's start at the beginning...
So three weeks ago yesterday [it was a Sunday... just go with it]. I was at church, which is basically where I live these days, and that night the sermon was on Faith. I was at a point at feeling extremely alone in this journey I've been on the past few months. I loved my little "Faith World", and but was desperate to share it with those in my "real world". I went to the altar that night and just cried. I've never cried over legitimately feeling alone. But I was there that night. I left that service knowing one thing... it was time to tell those at FBC that I wasn't coming back. I felt like God was whispering to my heart that I wasn't just keeping a simple "secret" by not telling anyone about my church change. I was ultimately hiding Him. I was keeping secret all that He had been doing for me. Why should I be afraid to show my joy? The joy that He had brought me the past 3 months. That would be reality check numero uno. [Never fear... He spiritually checked me a couple of more times just this past week. Ouch]. Anyways... I got in touch with the ones I needed to tell face to face, and planned it for that Wednesday.
Well that same day I was going to talk to these dear ones [I was a nervous wreck by the way], and one of my best friends emailed me at work. We started emailing back and forth, and she eventually asked if I would mind if she came to church that night just to see what it was about because she wanted that hunger that'd got ahold of me. I was pumped because one of my friends was going to come to church for once. Just once, right? Well I went and talked to my FBCers. They went better than I could have imagined, but were still hard.
So my friend came to church. I was super nervous just because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with anything. Much to my surprise... she LOVED it. And I finally had someone in my "real world" that got it. Then I panicked. I realized that I was in a spot where I was still needing help being walked on this journey, yet all of a sudden I had this person I was having to walk with too... and explain things that even I was unsure of. I felt pressure like none other. Anyways.. Shelbi came back that Sunday night. That also happened to be the night [July 31st] that a woman named Charity who I had just met the day before spoke out a message that God might as well have tagged my name onto the front of message. It was like a direct hit. Thorns in the heart affecting my relationship with God? Indeed. It was so intensely powerful I had to sit down... and then me and Mrs. Cindy started laughing because it was just so bizarre how direct it was. Needless to say I ended up in the "prayer line" that night, and Shelbi ended up coming to pray over me with everyone else. That's where the guard went up. I was so aware of her being there that it caused a complete loss of focus. I eventually, after almost a week of feeling guilty, realized that this church thing wasn't about whether Shelbi was next to me. It wasn't "Shelbi & Megan worship time". My time at church was just that... my time with God. Me and Him. Period. That would be spiritual reality check dos.
So I go through this past week feeling just kind of "whatever". Well I had a friend that wasn't sure she was going to be able to come back to school in August because of money, and by "wasn't sure" I mean wasn't. At all. I was devastated because we have kind of helped each other stay up in this program. We were each other's sounding board. So Monday I told her that I just couldn't believe that God would close this door when He had opened so many for her to be there in the first place. I said I was going to pray about it, and she WOULD be in school. Next day I get a call, and she informed me there had been a mistake with her aid... she WAS going to be back. I was so stinkin' thrilled. Well on the way back from something at church that night I very clearly heard God ask me, "Why are you so able to believe I'll provide for other's needs, yet you don't even have faith like a mustard seed that I'll provide for YOU?" Um.. ouch? Spiritual reality check THREE!
The next day at church is our "Encounter" service. It's just Wednesday, but I love it. Well I just kind of meandered through service, and then it hit me. It was time. Time to talk about the ONE thing I never share. That the times I have shared it's bit me in the butt. However, it was clear that it was time. Here's the deal... 2 days before at Bible study I was asked afterwards to consider leading Bible study the next Monday [today]. I new I had to. I felt it. But Wednesday night I knew I couldn't until I came clean. So I met Mrs. Cindy Thursday. Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that a conversation had the potential to change your relationship with that person forever, but you knew it had to happen. Welcome to where I was a week ago. Funny thing about that conversation… if anything it made us closer. And it was the first time I’ve talked about everything, and NOT cried. I know God has brought me to a place of realizing that those situations don’t define me anymore, ya know? So it was just a precious time to me with Mrs. Cindy. What started as a quick conversation in my head turned into us talking for an hour and a half. Just me and her in the big sanctuary chatting. Loved that moment.
Saturday I went to a friend’s little girls 2 year old birthday party… which is huge considering that little girl is a big part of what made me decide to go back to nursing school since she spent the first 5 weeks of life in Children’s. Afterwards I went out to see a friend from church for a “couple of hours”… yeah we talked from 8:30 until 3:30 in the morning NON-STOP! It was a neat conversation though being able to discuss church, and the whole Shelbi situation, and just life in general.
By the time Sunday rolled around not only was I tired from the late night conversation the night before, but I was stressed out about what God wanted me to speak about at Bible study. I really felt like I needed to talk about insecurity, but I just couldn’t figure out what or where to start. That night at church I was sitting on the front row [which I flip flop between that row with Mrs. Cindy or the row behind that one to sit with two other friends… just keeping things interesting. Haha!] Anyways, I went into church in a bad mood that night… like almost didn’t go because I was so pissy. Glad I did though. J It was an incredible night of worship, and when the pastor gave the altar call I didn’t feel like I needed to respond, but he encouraged everyone who didn’t feel like the needed to respond to at least fill the altar and pray for those who had. Well I just came off the pew and sat in the floor. I’ve worshiped before, but I feel like that night I really started to WORSHIP. It wasn’t without fight though. I sat there at first in tears because I honestly wasn’t sure I could keep on this journey. It’s hard, and most of the time I feel like I just don’t get it. However, just when I was thinking “I’m done”… and basically throwing a tantrum, the worship band started playing Revelation Song by Kari Jobe. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER! And something happened… I just raised my hand, continued praying, and worshiped the One of had brought me to this place. About that time Mrs. Cindy came and sat down and started praying for me. I didn’t know it was her because I looked up… it was one of those things where I just knew it was her because I felt her presence, and by no means do I mean that as equal to feeling God’s presence. I just mean I know her well enough to know when she’s near me. She’s what I refer to as my “church momma”. So immediately she starts whispering a prayer over me, which I can’t hear because altar call got a LOT loud that night, and I literally started sobbing. One of THOSE moments. I look up and she just kind of wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close. Let me just say… I don’t like to be loved on… and I don’t even let my own mother love on me the way Mrs. Cindy does. BUT the next words out of Mrs. Cindy’s mouth were, “isn’t it funny how God has allowed you to let me love you?” Yes. Funny indeed. Because honestly… it’s not normal for me to let someone get as close to me as Mrs. Cindy has. Even my closest friends aren’t ever that close to me because I won’t let them. I told her that I was feeling completely inadequate about leading study on Monday. That I knew He might wait until 10 minutes prior to tell me what I needed to do, but I still didn’t understand why He would choose someone like me, who was needing to be spiritually spoon fed right now, to lead. Then I was quickly reminded that He can use anyone.
Monday rolls around, and I had the longest and best conversation with a friend… I’m talking we talked for over 6 hours. It helped that we were working right next to each other that day. J but that night I went to Bible study, and it got about 5 minutes AFTER we were suppose to start, and no one but Mrs. Cindy had showed. I honestly had the nerve to believe God had answered my prayer for no one to show up. Dumb, right? Well eventually 4 people rolled in including a Carrie for moral support. So I start stuttering and stammering over insecurity, and I realized it wasn’t right. He didn’t necessarily want me talking about that. He wanted me tell my story about me coming to that church. So off I went, and boy did He bless it. It was so amazing and comforting to me to know that even the women who were born and raised in a Pentecostal church felt the way I did sometimes. We still talked about insecurity a little bit, but ultimately God used that time to teach me and everyone else that we all didn’t understand, completely, the things that happen sometimes, and how God moves. And this lady named Dora, who prayed at me at Awaken, and I think is pretty awesome said, “I don’t think I would want to serve a god I can understand.” Amen.
Then last night of all things at CR for the women to talk about in group… insecurity. Talk about God’s confirmation. So if you’ve made it through this entire post… congrats. I just need to document this stuff, and it’s faster for me to type than write because my brain moves at breaking the sound barrier pace sometimes. Ha!
This road I’m on, that we [especially as Believers] are all on, is a journey. Not a race. We don’t get to a spot and stay, at least we shouldn’t. We grow. We may stay there for a season or more, and then keep going. This is a journey I’m SUCH a fan of though.
So three weeks ago yesterday [it was a Sunday... just go with it]. I was at church, which is basically where I live these days, and that night the sermon was on Faith. I was at a point at feeling extremely alone in this journey I've been on the past few months. I loved my little "Faith World", and but was desperate to share it with those in my "real world". I went to the altar that night and just cried. I've never cried over legitimately feeling alone. But I was there that night. I left that service knowing one thing... it was time to tell those at FBC that I wasn't coming back. I felt like God was whispering to my heart that I wasn't just keeping a simple "secret" by not telling anyone about my church change. I was ultimately hiding Him. I was keeping secret all that He had been doing for me. Why should I be afraid to show my joy? The joy that He had brought me the past 3 months. That would be reality check numero uno. [Never fear... He spiritually checked me a couple of more times just this past week. Ouch]. Anyways... I got in touch with the ones I needed to tell face to face, and planned it for that Wednesday.
Well that same day I was going to talk to these dear ones [I was a nervous wreck by the way], and one of my best friends emailed me at work. We started emailing back and forth, and she eventually asked if I would mind if she came to church that night just to see what it was about because she wanted that hunger that'd got ahold of me. I was pumped because one of my friends was going to come to church for once. Just once, right? Well I went and talked to my FBCers. They went better than I could have imagined, but were still hard.
So my friend came to church. I was super nervous just because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with anything. Much to my surprise... she LOVED it. And I finally had someone in my "real world" that got it. Then I panicked. I realized that I was in a spot where I was still needing help being walked on this journey, yet all of a sudden I had this person I was having to walk with too... and explain things that even I was unsure of. I felt pressure like none other. Anyways.. Shelbi came back that Sunday night. That also happened to be the night [July 31st] that a woman named Charity who I had just met the day before spoke out a message that God might as well have tagged my name onto the front of message. It was like a direct hit. Thorns in the heart affecting my relationship with God? Indeed. It was so intensely powerful I had to sit down... and then me and Mrs. Cindy started laughing because it was just so bizarre how direct it was. Needless to say I ended up in the "prayer line" that night, and Shelbi ended up coming to pray over me with everyone else. That's where the guard went up. I was so aware of her being there that it caused a complete loss of focus. I eventually, after almost a week of feeling guilty, realized that this church thing wasn't about whether Shelbi was next to me. It wasn't "Shelbi & Megan worship time". My time at church was just that... my time with God. Me and Him. Period. That would be spiritual reality check dos.
So I go through this past week feeling just kind of "whatever". Well I had a friend that wasn't sure she was going to be able to come back to school in August because of money, and by "wasn't sure" I mean wasn't. At all. I was devastated because we have kind of helped each other stay up in this program. We were each other's sounding board. So Monday I told her that I just couldn't believe that God would close this door when He had opened so many for her to be there in the first place. I said I was going to pray about it, and she WOULD be in school. Next day I get a call, and she informed me there had been a mistake with her aid... she WAS going to be back. I was so stinkin' thrilled. Well on the way back from something at church that night I very clearly heard God ask me, "Why are you so able to believe I'll provide for other's needs, yet you don't even have faith like a mustard seed that I'll provide for YOU?" Um.. ouch? Spiritual reality check THREE!
The next day at church is our "Encounter" service. It's just Wednesday, but I love it. Well I just kind of meandered through service, and then it hit me. It was time. Time to talk about the ONE thing I never share. That the times I have shared it's bit me in the butt. However, it was clear that it was time. Here's the deal... 2 days before at Bible study I was asked afterwards to consider leading Bible study the next Monday [today]. I new I had to. I felt it. But Wednesday night I knew I couldn't until I came clean. So I met Mrs. Cindy Thursday. Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that a conversation had the potential to change your relationship with that person forever, but you knew it had to happen. Welcome to where I was a week ago. Funny thing about that conversation… if anything it made us closer. And it was the first time I’ve talked about everything, and NOT cried. I know God has brought me to a place of realizing that those situations don’t define me anymore, ya know? So it was just a precious time to me with Mrs. Cindy. What started as a quick conversation in my head turned into us talking for an hour and a half. Just me and her in the big sanctuary chatting. Loved that moment.
Saturday I went to a friend’s little girls 2 year old birthday party… which is huge considering that little girl is a big part of what made me decide to go back to nursing school since she spent the first 5 weeks of life in Children’s. Afterwards I went out to see a friend from church for a “couple of hours”… yeah we talked from 8:30 until 3:30 in the morning NON-STOP! It was a neat conversation though being able to discuss church, and the whole Shelbi situation, and just life in general.
By the time Sunday rolled around not only was I tired from the late night conversation the night before, but I was stressed out about what God wanted me to speak about at Bible study. I really felt like I needed to talk about insecurity, but I just couldn’t figure out what or where to start. That night at church I was sitting on the front row [which I flip flop between that row with Mrs. Cindy or the row behind that one to sit with two other friends… just keeping things interesting. Haha!] Anyways, I went into church in a bad mood that night… like almost didn’t go because I was so pissy. Glad I did though. J It was an incredible night of worship, and when the pastor gave the altar call I didn’t feel like I needed to respond, but he encouraged everyone who didn’t feel like the needed to respond to at least fill the altar and pray for those who had. Well I just came off the pew and sat in the floor. I’ve worshiped before, but I feel like that night I really started to WORSHIP. It wasn’t without fight though. I sat there at first in tears because I honestly wasn’t sure I could keep on this journey. It’s hard, and most of the time I feel like I just don’t get it. However, just when I was thinking “I’m done”… and basically throwing a tantrum, the worship band started playing Revelation Song by Kari Jobe. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER! And something happened… I just raised my hand, continued praying, and worshiped the One of had brought me to this place. About that time Mrs. Cindy came and sat down and started praying for me. I didn’t know it was her because I looked up… it was one of those things where I just knew it was her because I felt her presence, and by no means do I mean that as equal to feeling God’s presence. I just mean I know her well enough to know when she’s near me. She’s what I refer to as my “church momma”. So immediately she starts whispering a prayer over me, which I can’t hear because altar call got a LOT loud that night, and I literally started sobbing. One of THOSE moments. I look up and she just kind of wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close. Let me just say… I don’t like to be loved on… and I don’t even let my own mother love on me the way Mrs. Cindy does. BUT the next words out of Mrs. Cindy’s mouth were, “isn’t it funny how God has allowed you to let me love you?” Yes. Funny indeed. Because honestly… it’s not normal for me to let someone get as close to me as Mrs. Cindy has. Even my closest friends aren’t ever that close to me because I won’t let them. I told her that I was feeling completely inadequate about leading study on Monday. That I knew He might wait until 10 minutes prior to tell me what I needed to do, but I still didn’t understand why He would choose someone like me, who was needing to be spiritually spoon fed right now, to lead. Then I was quickly reminded that He can use anyone.
Monday rolls around, and I had the longest and best conversation with a friend… I’m talking we talked for over 6 hours. It helped that we were working right next to each other that day. J but that night I went to Bible study, and it got about 5 minutes AFTER we were suppose to start, and no one but Mrs. Cindy had showed. I honestly had the nerve to believe God had answered my prayer for no one to show up. Dumb, right? Well eventually 4 people rolled in including a Carrie for moral support. So I start stuttering and stammering over insecurity, and I realized it wasn’t right. He didn’t necessarily want me talking about that. He wanted me tell my story about me coming to that church. So off I went, and boy did He bless it. It was so amazing and comforting to me to know that even the women who were born and raised in a Pentecostal church felt the way I did sometimes. We still talked about insecurity a little bit, but ultimately God used that time to teach me and everyone else that we all didn’t understand, completely, the things that happen sometimes, and how God moves. And this lady named Dora, who prayed at me at Awaken, and I think is pretty awesome said, “I don’t think I would want to serve a god I can understand.” Amen.
Then last night of all things at CR for the women to talk about in group… insecurity. Talk about God’s confirmation. So if you’ve made it through this entire post… congrats. I just need to document this stuff, and it’s faster for me to type than write because my brain moves at breaking the sound barrier pace sometimes. Ha!
This road I’m on, that we [especially as Believers] are all on, is a journey. Not a race. We don’t get to a spot and stay, at least we shouldn’t. We grow. We may stay there for a season or more, and then keep going. This is a journey I’m SUCH a fan of though.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
where the Spirit of the Lord is...
There is freedom.
Freedom is something I haven't quite managed to wrap my head around just yet. Freedom from the chains that held me back for so long. Freedom to let go, and trust God with everything. Every hurt, question, growing pain, need, want, fear, insecurity... just to be free.
It's hard to process these last few months. They have been some of the hardest, but most joyful months of my life. I'm in program that I know God placed me in for a purpose. Multiple purposes. It's so hard for me to process everything. I can't even put it into writing most of the time, and that's the number one way I can express without getting my words all flip flopped. I was told that maybe God didn't intend for me to figure it out... He just wants me to let go, and trust Him. Let go. That is not easy. I like to be in control, and I know I can't be when it comes to my relationship with God. And let's be honest... He's a lot better at working me through the hard times than if I try to on my own.
Tonight I felt God speak so clearly to me. I've got "thorns" in my heart from the hurt that I need to remove... correction... I need to let HIM remove.
Okay... I'm clearly not doing a fantastic job at putting this all into words. At some point I'd really like to write down this whole journey... of course... I'll be writing for the rest of my life because a relationship with God isn't a race. It's not about getting to that key point, and stopping. It's a journey. :)
Freedom is something I haven't quite managed to wrap my head around just yet. Freedom from the chains that held me back for so long. Freedom to let go, and trust God with everything. Every hurt, question, growing pain, need, want, fear, insecurity... just to be free.
It's hard to process these last few months. They have been some of the hardest, but most joyful months of my life. I'm in program that I know God placed me in for a purpose. Multiple purposes. It's so hard for me to process everything. I can't even put it into writing most of the time, and that's the number one way I can express without getting my words all flip flopped. I was told that maybe God didn't intend for me to figure it out... He just wants me to let go, and trust Him. Let go. That is not easy. I like to be in control, and I know I can't be when it comes to my relationship with God. And let's be honest... He's a lot better at working me through the hard times than if I try to on my own.
Tonight I felt God speak so clearly to me. I've got "thorns" in my heart from the hurt that I need to remove... correction... I need to let HIM remove.
Okay... I'm clearly not doing a fantastic job at putting this all into words. At some point I'd really like to write down this whole journey... of course... I'll be writing for the rest of my life because a relationship with God isn't a race. It's not about getting to that key point, and stopping. It's a journey. :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
craziest 5 weeks ever...
This has been the best and oddest last 5 or so weeks of my life. I'm on the most fantastic spiritual journey that I've ever experienced which has also rendered it the hardest. I'm having to face head on some things that quite frankly I don't care to face. I'd rather stuff them in my back pocket, and ignore them. Between my mental health class and me going to church every single opportunity I've had... my head is about to explode. God is just blowing my mind.
I've gone from reckless in everything I was doing to someone who is so cautious about what I'm watching and listening to. Literal guilt if I listen to songs I know are inappropriate [even if they ARE catchy...] It's crazy how God works when you really, truly desire it. I was so negative just a month ago... now I have new found hope and positivity. Everything can be put in perspective for me no matter the situation. I don't anger as quickly. I've quit cussing [minus the occasional slip]. My attitude is better. Road rage has been cut in more then half. I think my roomie doesn't know what to do with me... I'm just not who I was just a short time ago.
Clinical this week was incredible. I had med check-offs, and that went smashingly! There's like a chain reaction in school of God using people. He used Smith [an instructor] to reach me, and then yesterday used me to encourage another instructor with The Word... who then shared it with the whole class at post-conference [which is time for the instructors to debrief us about the day so we don't carry all our emotions home with us]. I just couldn't help but crack up at God's way of working. You see... just at my LAST med check-off that was in a classroom setting... you know... those two weeks I was a total mess and cried one day for 4 hours? Yeah... those! Smith said something to me after I didn't do so hot on one of my check-offs. She told me not to cry and then said, "you can either take this and let it eat you up, or you can take it and learn from it." THEN just a week or so ago I was reading my Beth Moore study, and it said, "you can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable." I'm fairly certain Beth Moore stole it from Smith. :) Anyway... when Smith told me that I've gotta be honest... it absolutely made me mad. And kind of broke my heart. However, the only reason it did both of those things is because I knew she was right. Well... that statement that made me so livid and upset... I made a decision about the time I changed churches that I was going to become unstoppable. I was so sick of being controlled by fear and insecurity. Now is it an everyday battle? Duh! BUT, I know Who has my security. I know Who protects me from my fears. With taking that statement and running with it... my med check-offs went 10x better than I could have ever expected.
Like I said... it's been a crazy few weeks. And this isn't even going into vivid detail. I love what I'm doing now. Nursing school is awesome. I love every single day. Some more than others. Some days I'm so exhausted I can't function. Other days I'm just so pumped about life I can't see straight. All days, though, I know it is exactly where I'm suppose to be. I don't think someone could pay me to quit. It's just... it's just perfect. Not to mention I truly believe that God placed me in nursing school for multiple purposes... one was to meet Smith. If it weren't for school I wouldn't have started the journey out of the hole I was in. If I hadn't found out about the event at Smith's church I'd still be spending every Sunday sleeping in. Every day not getting into The Word or praying. I have some awesome advocates/prayer warriors on my side at this new church I'm going to [including Smith]. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the change. But I'm learning change is good... and that isn't easy for me to say. God is just working in me in some crazy ways. I know I keep saying it, but I am not the same Megan. That is such a good thing. I feel like I don't have to fake things anymore. God has given me such a burden for people again. He's given me a desire to search for Him again. To seek Him fully.
All I have to say is this... God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good.
I've gone from reckless in everything I was doing to someone who is so cautious about what I'm watching and listening to. Literal guilt if I listen to songs I know are inappropriate [even if they ARE catchy...] It's crazy how God works when you really, truly desire it. I was so negative just a month ago... now I have new found hope and positivity. Everything can be put in perspective for me no matter the situation. I don't anger as quickly. I've quit cussing [minus the occasional slip]. My attitude is better. Road rage has been cut in more then half. I think my roomie doesn't know what to do with me... I'm just not who I was just a short time ago.
Clinical this week was incredible. I had med check-offs, and that went smashingly! There's like a chain reaction in school of God using people. He used Smith [an instructor] to reach me, and then yesterday used me to encourage another instructor with The Word... who then shared it with the whole class at post-conference [which is time for the instructors to debrief us about the day so we don't carry all our emotions home with us]. I just couldn't help but crack up at God's way of working. You see... just at my LAST med check-off that was in a classroom setting... you know... those two weeks I was a total mess and cried one day for 4 hours? Yeah... those! Smith said something to me after I didn't do so hot on one of my check-offs. She told me not to cry and then said, "you can either take this and let it eat you up, or you can take it and learn from it." THEN just a week or so ago I was reading my Beth Moore study, and it said, "you can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable." I'm fairly certain Beth Moore stole it from Smith. :) Anyway... when Smith told me that I've gotta be honest... it absolutely made me mad. And kind of broke my heart. However, the only reason it did both of those things is because I knew she was right. Well... that statement that made me so livid and upset... I made a decision about the time I changed churches that I was going to become unstoppable. I was so sick of being controlled by fear and insecurity. Now is it an everyday battle? Duh! BUT, I know Who has my security. I know Who protects me from my fears. With taking that statement and running with it... my med check-offs went 10x better than I could have ever expected.
Like I said... it's been a crazy few weeks. And this isn't even going into vivid detail. I love what I'm doing now. Nursing school is awesome. I love every single day. Some more than others. Some days I'm so exhausted I can't function. Other days I'm just so pumped about life I can't see straight. All days, though, I know it is exactly where I'm suppose to be. I don't think someone could pay me to quit. It's just... it's just perfect. Not to mention I truly believe that God placed me in nursing school for multiple purposes... one was to meet Smith. If it weren't for school I wouldn't have started the journey out of the hole I was in. If I hadn't found out about the event at Smith's church I'd still be spending every Sunday sleeping in. Every day not getting into The Word or praying. I have some awesome advocates/prayer warriors on my side at this new church I'm going to [including Smith]. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the change. But I'm learning change is good... and that isn't easy for me to say. God is just working in me in some crazy ways. I know I keep saying it, but I am not the same Megan. That is such a good thing. I feel like I don't have to fake things anymore. God has given me such a burden for people again. He's given me a desire to search for Him again. To seek Him fully.
All I have to say is this... God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
April 29th, 2011
that is a day that unbeknownst to me would start the wheels turning on what is working itself into an epic change in my life. i knew God put me at nursing school for a reason. i just thought it was to just help others by using my ministry degree. i had no idea He was going to use an instructor to change me.
tonight i felt the Holy Spirit move in my life like i haven't felt... well... ever. not like i did tonight anyway. it was comforting. i'm so overwhelmed by it i can't even focus to do homework or study. i'm tired, but wide awake. my head is absolutely spinning. i have joy, yet heartache. i am so blessed by the events over the past 4 weeks. there is no fear where peace is, and i am working toward that peace. i haven't felt peace in a really REALLY long time. i miss the inhibition that i had when i was younger. to worship my Savior like it was just me and Him. no one around. i'm running back Father.
i will never be the same person i was before i walked in those double doors on April 29th. never.
my God moves in mysterious ways. so thankful for His faithfulness even when i'm a prodigal.
tonight i felt the Holy Spirit move in my life like i haven't felt... well... ever. not like i did tonight anyway. it was comforting. i'm so overwhelmed by it i can't even focus to do homework or study. i'm tired, but wide awake. my head is absolutely spinning. i have joy, yet heartache. i am so blessed by the events over the past 4 weeks. there is no fear where peace is, and i am working toward that peace. i haven't felt peace in a really REALLY long time. i miss the inhibition that i had when i was younger. to worship my Savior like it was just me and Him. no one around. i'm running back Father.
i will never be the same person i was before i walked in those double doors on April 29th. never.
my God moves in mysterious ways. so thankful for His faithfulness even when i'm a prodigal.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
to study or not to study?
this is a question i've had to start asking myself ALL THE TIME!!! i barely study and i make a high C or low B. i study my tail off, and barely pass. i don't study at all, like i did last night, and make an A. an A!! what the heck is up with that? and i didn't even take my A.D.D. medicine this morning before the test. it's like my own personal phenomenon.
it's been a good week ultimately. i started getting frustrated with my grades being so inconsistent even though i'm studying. so what did i do? i marched myself into my instructor's office to ask what i could do different. i told her it was kind of scary to me that people who had been making A's and B's were now making B's and C's so for someone who was already making B's, but mostly C's that didn't leave a lot of leeway, and that scared the MESS out of me. the kicker? she said keep up what i was doing. even bigger kicker? she said i've actually improved since last semester. [insert completely dumbfounded face here] see i'm still making B's and C's. which means i'm staying consistent compared to the other students who's grades are dropping. talk about perspective. so that made me a whole heck-of-a-lot better.
today i dropped some stuff off in her office when she wasn't in there, but the "director" guy of the program was in his office, which connects to my instructor's. i've known him since i was probably 10 at LEAST, was friends with, and graduated with his daughter. he asked how the program was going, and i basically shared the whole, "well i had a rough time with med check-offs just being stressed out, but there hasn't been a day where i didn't love being in this program. it's hard, but i didn't expect it to be easy. i only started having a rough time when i forgot why i was in this program, and who i was doing this program for. i really do love it though, even wiping a tush. i've done a lot of stuff in this program the past 5 months that i never thought i would or could do, but i wouldn't change any of it." he followed that with, "i think i'm going to have you talk to the new class when they get here in August. we need more guys and galls with your attitude, and passion for this." in my head i was like, "i'm sorry, what?!" but i told him definitely would. what an opportunity! and what a testimony to how others see me. i don't mean a testimony to the new class like, "oh look at me." i'm just talking about personally such a testimony to how God can work and open doors... even if that door is sending me out of my comfort zone since i'm totally insecure in front of people. still... amazing.
so i peace it out with this... i'm doing a Beth Moore study [who i think is BRILLIANT] called So Long Insecurity. story of my life. i found a sentence that made me laugh, but only because Smith has said this to me a couple of times. it's so true though, and i'm working on doing the latter with my insecurities...
"You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable."-Beth Moore/ Smith [not as eloquently]
truth.
it's been a good week ultimately. i started getting frustrated with my grades being so inconsistent even though i'm studying. so what did i do? i marched myself into my instructor's office to ask what i could do different. i told her it was kind of scary to me that people who had been making A's and B's were now making B's and C's so for someone who was already making B's, but mostly C's that didn't leave a lot of leeway, and that scared the MESS out of me. the kicker? she said keep up what i was doing. even bigger kicker? she said i've actually improved since last semester. [insert completely dumbfounded face here] see i'm still making B's and C's. which means i'm staying consistent compared to the other students who's grades are dropping. talk about perspective. so that made me a whole heck-of-a-lot better.
today i dropped some stuff off in her office when she wasn't in there, but the "director" guy of the program was in his office, which connects to my instructor's. i've known him since i was probably 10 at LEAST, was friends with, and graduated with his daughter. he asked how the program was going, and i basically shared the whole, "well i had a rough time with med check-offs just being stressed out, but there hasn't been a day where i didn't love being in this program. it's hard, but i didn't expect it to be easy. i only started having a rough time when i forgot why i was in this program, and who i was doing this program for. i really do love it though, even wiping a tush. i've done a lot of stuff in this program the past 5 months that i never thought i would or could do, but i wouldn't change any of it." he followed that with, "i think i'm going to have you talk to the new class when they get here in August. we need more guys and galls with your attitude, and passion for this." in my head i was like, "i'm sorry, what?!" but i told him definitely would. what an opportunity! and what a testimony to how others see me. i don't mean a testimony to the new class like, "oh look at me." i'm just talking about personally such a testimony to how God can work and open doors... even if that door is sending me out of my comfort zone since i'm totally insecure in front of people. still... amazing.
so i peace it out with this... i'm doing a Beth Moore study [who i think is BRILLIANT] called So Long Insecurity. story of my life. i found a sentence that made me laugh, but only because Smith has said this to me a couple of times. it's so true though, and i'm working on doing the latter with my insecurities...
"You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable."-Beth Moore/ Smith [not as eloquently]
truth.
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