I know I'm not the only person to whom God teaches lessons to in unexpected ways. Tonight threw me though. Only one other time have I distinctly heard God say something to me. Tonight was round 2. I went to a thing at church tonight, and hadn't even made it in the door before I got asked to work the nursery for one little girl. Keep in mind... I've not worked a nursery in forever. Much less with kids I don't know. I'm still relatively new at church so parents and kids don't know me. Anyways, I said yes and off I went. Every thing was fine. Little girl (who I'm going to refer to as "A") was great. To my point though...
You know how we automatically look at a baby, toddler, kid, etc. and judge how cute they are? Well A was beautiful. Sweet little curls. The most beautiful hazel eyes. Perfect little features. I mean kid is gonna be a stunner. She was perfect just at a glance. Then as I was playing with her I noticed something. Her hands. Everyone knows how a "normal" hand looks. Fingers basically form an upside down "u" with their different lengths. A's didn't. All her fingers were the same short length except both her ring fingers were significantly longer than the other fingers. I'd never seen that. In my ridiculous human nature I immediately thought, "oh it's just a defect." And I swear to you as clear as if He were talking to me face to face God said, "I don't do defects. She is perfect in every feature because I fashioned her that way. She is made in my image just like you are made in my image and perfect even with your 'abnormalities'." And that's how God spokento me through a 1 1/2 year old I'd just met.
All this came after a hard question was asked of me yesterday. "When are you goin to truly believe everything you so desperately want everyone else to know?" In other words... Make my head knowledge TRUE heart knowledge. And I'm not sure. All I know is I love Him. I'm in an intense pursuit of a deeper relationship with Him. And that I fight and struggle with it almost daily.
God is working in some crazy ways in my life. He's up to something and I am nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time. He is so good to me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Letter to a Stranger
At some point I'm gonna throw out into blog world all about the past 4 weeks [on Monday] with nursing school being put on pause, and how, and why, and what God's shown me so far, but not tonight. Tonight I've got other plans for writing...
A couple of days ago my mom sent me an email that a friend of hers had sent. I'm not going to post it on here, but as I read it I felt a lump build up in my throat. I saw words that screamed desperatation. Hurt. Mistrust. Emptiness. I was reading things like, "I'm not in a good place mentally", "I'm in the process of switching to new meds", "I don't belive in the Bible", "I don't believe in a higher being", "why would a loving God allow someone who has followed Him, and been good their whole lives die horrible deaths, but people who are 'terrible' die peacefully." I felt such a pull to respond to this man's email. A man I've heard about, but if I saw him walk past me would never know it was him. I wanted to so desperately for this man to know what I know. I wasn't going to post what I replied to him... I kept thinking "you're going to offend someone" and "what if someone gets mad". Then I realized I didn't care. My heart has been changed the past 6 months. In ways I can't even explain most of the time. It's not about whether or not I offend people with what I say. I'm not condemning anyone. I love everyone in my life whether I agree with what they do or not. This letter though... this is where I'm at right now... and I didn't even realize it until the words just started flowing out on the paper. So here it goes...
"I’ve questioned why people who follow so closely to Christ get really sick or die in unfair ways. And I don’t know why that happens. I do believe that a lot of it is an attack of Satan on their bodies and/or minds because they have become a threat to him. Satan isn’t going to bother people, as much, who are doing “his work”. Maybe people who love the Lord so much have to die or get sick the way they do so that others come to know Him. The one and only true Healer. As believers we don’t want to be sick, but we rejoice at the thought of spending eternity with Him [Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”]. As a Christian we believe that to be on earth is to just get worldly gain… but to die is to gain the best thing of all. The only time we will all be truly healed of what we deal and suffer with is when we get to Heaven. Our treasures are not stored here.
Over the past few months I’ve had to learn, and am still learning, one of the hardest things about being a Christian. It’s not always about feeling. Is it an amazing experience when we, as believers, feel God’s presence all over us… and it’s so strong we can hardly stand [or can’t stand at all!]? Yes. Absolutely. But it’s not just about a feeling. It’s not about the tears, or the goose bumps, or laughter, or however it is that you know God’s presence is washing over you and expressed through you. It’s about the constant pursuit for Him. The desire and need to be near the Father. The only Father that won't ever hurt you. Is He silent sometimes? Yeah. Do I think that means He’s walked away from me? No. There have been moments where I’ve questioned everything I’ve ever known about God. I didn’t understand His ways. I didn’t understand why things happened. And I walked away. Never completely, but there was a very recent time where I knew who He was, but I just didn’t care. I was searching for something, and didn’t even know what it was until it basically dropped in my lap.
All I know is this… if I live my life as if God does not exist, and He does than all is lost. If I live my life as if He does, and He doesn’t exist then I’ve not lost anything. He is a God of restoration and freedom. He’s a God that can take drug addicts and make them into people who help others out of their addictions. He can use a song to heal a wound. He can use a teacher to bring a student out of a dark pit they were in. He can use a baby to save a planet. He can turn any bad situation to good. ANY. I know that I love Him even if I don’t always understand Him… and I don’t have to understand Him. He is far to great to be completely understood. I don’t think I’d want to worship a god that I can understand.
We don’t have to be perfect. We are all still sinners… the only difference in a Christian and a non-Christian is that Christians have asked for forgiveness, and turned from their sinful ways in pursuit of a God-centered lifestyle. We screw up. That’s life. However, I would rather live, my life every day as if He exists… because if I live my life sinfully and He does exist I’ve lost it all when I die. There’s no purpose in life except to be born, live, and die.
Wouldn’t you rather live a life full of purpose where you are born, live, die, and then get to LIVE forever?"
A couple of days ago my mom sent me an email that a friend of hers had sent. I'm not going to post it on here, but as I read it I felt a lump build up in my throat. I saw words that screamed desperatation. Hurt. Mistrust. Emptiness. I was reading things like, "I'm not in a good place mentally", "I'm in the process of switching to new meds", "I don't belive in the Bible", "I don't believe in a higher being", "why would a loving God allow someone who has followed Him, and been good their whole lives die horrible deaths, but people who are 'terrible' die peacefully." I felt such a pull to respond to this man's email. A man I've heard about, but if I saw him walk past me would never know it was him. I wanted to so desperately for this man to know what I know. I wasn't going to post what I replied to him... I kept thinking "you're going to offend someone" and "what if someone gets mad". Then I realized I didn't care. My heart has been changed the past 6 months. In ways I can't even explain most of the time. It's not about whether or not I offend people with what I say. I'm not condemning anyone. I love everyone in my life whether I agree with what they do or not. This letter though... this is where I'm at right now... and I didn't even realize it until the words just started flowing out on the paper. So here it goes...
"I’ve questioned why people who follow so closely to Christ get really sick or die in unfair ways. And I don’t know why that happens. I do believe that a lot of it is an attack of Satan on their bodies and/or minds because they have become a threat to him. Satan isn’t going to bother people, as much, who are doing “his work”. Maybe people who love the Lord so much have to die or get sick the way they do so that others come to know Him. The one and only true Healer. As believers we don’t want to be sick, but we rejoice at the thought of spending eternity with Him [Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”]. As a Christian we believe that to be on earth is to just get worldly gain… but to die is to gain the best thing of all. The only time we will all be truly healed of what we deal and suffer with is when we get to Heaven. Our treasures are not stored here.
Over the past few months I’ve had to learn, and am still learning, one of the hardest things about being a Christian. It’s not always about feeling. Is it an amazing experience when we, as believers, feel God’s presence all over us… and it’s so strong we can hardly stand [or can’t stand at all!]? Yes. Absolutely. But it’s not just about a feeling. It’s not about the tears, or the goose bumps, or laughter, or however it is that you know God’s presence is washing over you and expressed through you. It’s about the constant pursuit for Him. The desire and need to be near the Father. The only Father that won't ever hurt you. Is He silent sometimes? Yeah. Do I think that means He’s walked away from me? No. There have been moments where I’ve questioned everything I’ve ever known about God. I didn’t understand His ways. I didn’t understand why things happened. And I walked away. Never completely, but there was a very recent time where I knew who He was, but I just didn’t care. I was searching for something, and didn’t even know what it was until it basically dropped in my lap.
All I know is this… if I live my life as if God does not exist, and He does than all is lost. If I live my life as if He does, and He doesn’t exist then I’ve not lost anything. He is a God of restoration and freedom. He’s a God that can take drug addicts and make them into people who help others out of their addictions. He can use a song to heal a wound. He can use a teacher to bring a student out of a dark pit they were in. He can use a baby to save a planet. He can turn any bad situation to good. ANY. I know that I love Him even if I don’t always understand Him… and I don’t have to understand Him. He is far to great to be completely understood. I don’t think I’d want to worship a god that I can understand.
We don’t have to be perfect. We are all still sinners… the only difference in a Christian and a non-Christian is that Christians have asked for forgiveness, and turned from their sinful ways in pursuit of a God-centered lifestyle. We screw up. That’s life. However, I would rather live, my life every day as if He exists… because if I live my life sinfully and He does exist I’ve lost it all when I die. There’s no purpose in life except to be born, live, and die.
Wouldn’t you rather live a life full of purpose where you are born, live, die, and then get to LIVE forever?"
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Bottom Fell Out
Monday, just when I let my guard down, I got this email...
Subject: MS II grade Sent: October 17, 2011 8:05 PM
Dear Megan,
I am so sorry but you did not pass MS II. Please refer to your syllabus for further information regarding your score and requirements. It is imperative that you come by tomorrow and complete paperwork and let me know if you plan to return in the spring. I will be in class in the morning, however if you need to come Ms. Yaya will be available from 8 to 9. Otherwise you will need to come after 12 noon. If you would like to come in on Wednesday that will be fine also. Just be sure to come between 1 and 3pm.
I want to encourage you to please continue to pursue your goal. Do not let anything stop you from becoming a nurse if that is your desire. I know you are probably very discouraged right now but please don’t let this stop you. I along with the other instructors support you in continuing in the program next spring. We want you to continue and finish the program. Wishing you the best!!
Mrs. S
It was the generic email. The one 5 others got. It had the same effect on all of us though. Completely devastated. Within ten minutes of her emailing me, she texted me. It did not ease the blow. It also didn't ease the blow even when on my way home from Bible study Monday night I just knew I was going to be back in March. Even though I wanted to believe I'd be at school Tuesday [which I was... but only to sign papers acknowledging my fate] I knew that I wouldn't be back until March, and I think God gave me that to try to ease it, but it didn't.
See... the night before I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd done all I could. I'd studied for 15+ hours. I had texted Mrs. S the night before. I told her that i was scared to death about the next day, and she told me to know that I'd done the best I could and to give it my all. That she was praying God's peace over me, and to rest. And then my famous words that honestly haunt me... I told her, "The thing is I prayed on the way to church tonight, and told God I'd studied. I'd done my part and that I just prayed we ALL retained what we'd studied. And I told Him He knew my will, but I wanted His will, and if His will was different and I wasn't done with what He wanted me to accomplish there then I'd be okay."
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever EVER believe that my will [time frame for school] didn't match up with His. I mean... without a doubt He put me in this program. I've been totally into nursing since I was 16. Put it on hold because I felt [and still feel] called to ministry. So I went and got a degree in ministry from OBU... which I've yet to use vocationally, but it's served me well just in life, and I know it got me ready for nursing school. Couldn't find a job after I graduated in 2008 so I started working at the bank. Again. Which I didn't mind at first, but 2 years later became miserable [in all aspects of life]. Spiritually I was just... existing. Then the nursing school idea got put back in my head, and now that I think about it... I'm not sure what even planted that idea. Had to be God. And then I didn't look at any schools, BUT the program that I was... am... currently in. Which just so happened to be where Mrs. S was an instructor. Who I just so happened to be instantly drawn to the second I met her. Who challenged me in ways I didn't think possible... who made me mad... who made me cry... who has loved me through every insane thing I've done and said the past 10 months [especially since April 29]. She brought me to Faith. It has ALL worked together. Every moment the last 6 years of my life. It's all led me to here. So you can imagine how blindsided I felt Monday night.
Honestly this is how I felt... feel... that for the first time in all my life for ONCE [for the very first stinkin' time] I gave it all to God. I trusted Him, and genuinely want[ed] His will for my life. Then why does it feel like the bottom fell out of my world?
Subject: MS II grade Sent: October 17, 2011 8:05 PM
Dear Megan,
I am so sorry but you did not pass MS II. Please refer to your syllabus for further information regarding your score and requirements. It is imperative that you come by tomorrow and complete paperwork and let me know if you plan to return in the spring. I will be in class in the morning, however if you need to come Ms. Yaya will be available from 8 to 9. Otherwise you will need to come after 12 noon. If you would like to come in on Wednesday that will be fine also. Just be sure to come between 1 and 3pm.
I want to encourage you to please continue to pursue your goal. Do not let anything stop you from becoming a nurse if that is your desire. I know you are probably very discouraged right now but please don’t let this stop you. I along with the other instructors support you in continuing in the program next spring. We want you to continue and finish the program. Wishing you the best!!
Mrs. S
It was the generic email. The one 5 others got. It had the same effect on all of us though. Completely devastated. Within ten minutes of her emailing me, she texted me. It did not ease the blow. It also didn't ease the blow even when on my way home from Bible study Monday night I just knew I was going to be back in March. Even though I wanted to believe I'd be at school Tuesday [which I was... but only to sign papers acknowledging my fate] I knew that I wouldn't be back until March, and I think God gave me that to try to ease it, but it didn't.
See... the night before I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd done all I could. I'd studied for 15+ hours. I had texted Mrs. S the night before. I told her that i was scared to death about the next day, and she told me to know that I'd done the best I could and to give it my all. That she was praying God's peace over me, and to rest. And then my famous words that honestly haunt me... I told her, "The thing is I prayed on the way to church tonight, and told God I'd studied. I'd done my part and that I just prayed we ALL retained what we'd studied. And I told Him He knew my will, but I wanted His will, and if His will was different and I wasn't done with what He wanted me to accomplish there then I'd be okay."
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever EVER believe that my will [time frame for school] didn't match up with His. I mean... without a doubt He put me in this program. I've been totally into nursing since I was 16. Put it on hold because I felt [and still feel] called to ministry. So I went and got a degree in ministry from OBU... which I've yet to use vocationally, but it's served me well just in life, and I know it got me ready for nursing school. Couldn't find a job after I graduated in 2008 so I started working at the bank. Again. Which I didn't mind at first, but 2 years later became miserable [in all aspects of life]. Spiritually I was just... existing. Then the nursing school idea got put back in my head, and now that I think about it... I'm not sure what even planted that idea. Had to be God. And then I didn't look at any schools, BUT the program that I was... am... currently in. Which just so happened to be where Mrs. S was an instructor. Who I just so happened to be instantly drawn to the second I met her. Who challenged me in ways I didn't think possible... who made me mad... who made me cry... who has loved me through every insane thing I've done and said the past 10 months [especially since April 29]. She brought me to Faith. It has ALL worked together. Every moment the last 6 years of my life. It's all led me to here. So you can imagine how blindsided I felt Monday night.
Honestly this is how I felt... feel... that for the first time in all my life for ONCE [for the very first stinkin' time] I gave it all to God. I trusted Him, and genuinely want[ed] His will for my life. Then why does it feel like the bottom fell out of my world?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yesterday
So it's been 24 hours since I found out that I didn't pass my final at school, and can't continue in the nursing program. I can go back in March and start up where I failed. I know there's a reason that God put me there longer. I'm at peace with it. However, it still is devastating, and it hurts. Bad. I already miss school. I miss my friends there that are more like family. Maybe tomorrow I can get through tomorrow without a meltdown.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Hurt for A Hurt
I should really be studying. Reviewing my 2 patient summaries. Or maybe even sleeping right now. But I can't. I'm at a major crossroads with my dad. I don't even know how to go about typing it out so I'm just gonna roll with it.
I have 2 months left of school. That's it. A job is just not possible right now. So I asked him for help the next couple of months. I promptly was told that I basically needed to suck it up, and work while doing school. Here's the thing... I've worked 10 months of the year that this program takes. And I'm just now desperate for money. I've made crazy sacrifices to have money, and that's okay. I'm not all mad about it. It was something I had to do. Here's the thing though... I can only sell so much. So I decided it was time. Time to tell him how I felt. Because he not only told me to suck it up... he wanted to know what my problem was and that he felt cut off because he can't see anything on Facebook or Twitter. Is he a 12 year old? Apparently.
So I wrote a letter. Twice. I told him that I apparently wasn't quite ready to forgive him. That my problem was that he left me. He moved nearly 2000 miles away, and raised two boys that weren't even his. That he can't see anything on those two social sites because I didn't think he deserved to learn anything about me, and know who I was because of a social networking site. He didn't make the effort when I was young and it wasn't going to be that easy now. I told him that eventually I could forgive him and let him be a part of my life, but not now. Because every little thing he does that bothers me just rips open the wound and rub salt in it. I can't heal when he's a part of my life.
But I haven't sent it. Because here's the ironic thing... I don't want to hurt him. He's hurt me regularly my entire life. In ways that are going to effect every single relationship I have. Ways that DO effect every single relationship... including my friends. My family. My God. Then I got to thinking about why I can't seem to hurt him and it occurred to me. Don't you think that's kind of how God is with us? Don't think I'm getting all blasphemes... just go with me here. We hurt Him all the time when we sin, but He still loves us. He doesn't hurt us back. Here's my dilemma... I need to say those things to heal. I need to separate myself from my dad to heal because he causes me to struggle on an extremely regular basis. I just don't know how to say those things without hurting him. Quite frankly that infuriates me... because I don't want to care whether or not I hurt him. I do though.
I wish there were an "easy" button for this...
I have 2 months left of school. That's it. A job is just not possible right now. So I asked him for help the next couple of months. I promptly was told that I basically needed to suck it up, and work while doing school. Here's the thing... I've worked 10 months of the year that this program takes. And I'm just now desperate for money. I've made crazy sacrifices to have money, and that's okay. I'm not all mad about it. It was something I had to do. Here's the thing though... I can only sell so much. So I decided it was time. Time to tell him how I felt. Because he not only told me to suck it up... he wanted to know what my problem was and that he felt cut off because he can't see anything on Facebook or Twitter. Is he a 12 year old? Apparently.
So I wrote a letter. Twice. I told him that I apparently wasn't quite ready to forgive him. That my problem was that he left me. He moved nearly 2000 miles away, and raised two boys that weren't even his. That he can't see anything on those two social sites because I didn't think he deserved to learn anything about me, and know who I was because of a social networking site. He didn't make the effort when I was young and it wasn't going to be that easy now. I told him that eventually I could forgive him and let him be a part of my life, but not now. Because every little thing he does that bothers me just rips open the wound and rub salt in it. I can't heal when he's a part of my life.
But I haven't sent it. Because here's the ironic thing... I don't want to hurt him. He's hurt me regularly my entire life. In ways that are going to effect every single relationship I have. Ways that DO effect every single relationship... including my friends. My family. My God. Then I got to thinking about why I can't seem to hurt him and it occurred to me. Don't you think that's kind of how God is with us? Don't think I'm getting all blasphemes... just go with me here. We hurt Him all the time when we sin, but He still loves us. He doesn't hurt us back. Here's my dilemma... I need to say those things to heal. I need to separate myself from my dad to heal because he causes me to struggle on an extremely regular basis. I just don't know how to say those things without hurting him. Quite frankly that infuriates me... because I don't want to care whether or not I hurt him. I do though.
I wish there were an "easy" button for this...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Rough
Clinical's started this week. I'm loving it like always. It's hard. I'm exhausted at least 4 days a week. So. Worth. It. So school is great. I did fail my 1 part of my first test. I passed the Pharmacology portion, yet failed Med Surge... Bizarre. It kind of blows my mind that I'm better at math than the medical aspect of it. I'm not going to let one failed test [that I only failed by a few points] define my remaining 14 weeks of school [That's right... 3 1/2 months and I'm done. Crazy times]. I was meant to be in this program. However, I wouldn't have failed my test if I had been in the right state of mind. Like I said... this week was rough, and it had nothing to do with school.
You see... the past 2 weeks God has been dealing with me. It has not been fun. It's been hard. The first week I cried a lot [and when you aren't a crier, more than 2 moments of crying is a lot]. It's even harder doing it by myself... because it's kind of a me and God thing. I don't even feel like I can talk about anything because I need to be independent. It also doesn't help that the head honcho at school knows that I go to church with one of the instructors. So now I'm super paranoid about even going into Mrs. C's office... who is Mrs. S at school, and it's just frustrating. So last week [though it was an amazing school week] there was crying when it came down to spiritual stuff. This week... angry at the world. Fun transition, right? Still avoiding my instructor at school, and starting to at church. It's all just a mess. As if I wasn't already feeling down... a friend told me that I was using my instructor as a crutch [and prefaced the statement with, "I mean this with all the love in the world"... not feeling the love]. Which pretty much finished me up by crushing me since I've hardly talked to Mrs. C in 2 weeks [since this all started]. Way to kick me when I'm down. I couldn't even respond to the text because I knew I'd say something that was beyond hateful, and I'm now avoiding deliberate conversation with THAT friend for fear of saying something I'll regret. At least I'm in the right enough mind to know that though... apparently I do have self-control over my mouth. Shocker. I know.
I know this isn't the typical, "Jesus is awesome, and working in my life" post... but it's not always roses.
Say a prayer for me if ya think about it. This leg of the journey is leaving me broken and bruised.
You see... the past 2 weeks God has been dealing with me. It has not been fun. It's been hard. The first week I cried a lot [and when you aren't a crier, more than 2 moments of crying is a lot]. It's even harder doing it by myself... because it's kind of a me and God thing. I don't even feel like I can talk about anything because I need to be independent. It also doesn't help that the head honcho at school knows that I go to church with one of the instructors. So now I'm super paranoid about even going into Mrs. C's office... who is Mrs. S at school, and it's just frustrating. So last week [though it was an amazing school week] there was crying when it came down to spiritual stuff. This week... angry at the world. Fun transition, right? Still avoiding my instructor at school, and starting to at church. It's all just a mess. As if I wasn't already feeling down... a friend told me that I was using my instructor as a crutch [and prefaced the statement with, "I mean this with all the love in the world"... not feeling the love]. Which pretty much finished me up by crushing me since I've hardly talked to Mrs. C in 2 weeks [since this all started]. Way to kick me when I'm down. I couldn't even respond to the text because I knew I'd say something that was beyond hateful, and I'm now avoiding deliberate conversation with THAT friend for fear of saying something I'll regret. At least I'm in the right enough mind to know that though... apparently I do have self-control over my mouth. Shocker. I know.
I know this isn't the typical, "Jesus is awesome, and working in my life" post... but it's not always roses.
Say a prayer for me if ya think about it. This leg of the journey is leaving me broken and bruised.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Power of Touch
*DISCLAIMER* I'm well aware that the following events may cause any of my friends who read this blog to think I've officially lost my mind. If someone [just 4 months ago] had told me this happened to them I'm sure I would have labeled them a religious nut. I promise you though my mind... it's very much still intact.
First week back at school. From Sunday up until yesterday have been some of the best, and the hardest days yet. Walking this road at school is a lot harder when you've been in a protective bubble for 7 weeks. There are a LOT of things that have happened this week... but I'm just going to hit on one.
Wednesday. My friend wanted to come to church with me again. I unhappily reminded her what time it started. Well about 15 minutes or more into service she hadn't showed, and a little part of me was glad [yet guilty feeling]. Right in the middle of worship I heard this jingle of a purse and felt my friend that was next to me move away. I glanced up just in time to see the other friend come in the pew. I just reminded myself that it was me and God worship zone. No one else can effect me and Him. Well a lady spoke. Then someone else interpreted, and that friend sat down and began crying so I just reached over and put my hand on her back. No big deal. So we all sit down for the pastor to start bring the message, and I just reached over and put my arm around my friend. Once again. No big deal. Well she wrote me a note, and as soon as she started writing it I knew. It was the one thing on a very short list, that my group of friends has yet to deal with. Then all of a sudden it was mentally checked off. My friend's husband had an affair. I immediately moved the stuff between us to the other side of myself, and scooted as close to her as I could get without one of us sitting on the other, and she just started sobbing. I've never held someone in such a way that I was all but covering them, but I did that night. It was basically to try and soothe her, and quiet her because I was about to be center of attention with all the noise I was sitting next to. So she calms down. So I take my arm away, but don't move. We're just sitting with our shoulders touching. Well she reaches her arm through mine, and grabs my opposite hand so are arms are all tangled up in each other. Pastor is preaching about something I don't even remember, but I do remember he said something about hearts breaking for what breaks His, and I literally started having this dull chest pain and tears just started streaming down my face. Luckily I managed to do it somewhat stoically instead of the ugly cry that usually happens [and within a few minutes DID happen]. I was on the 2nd row though so It was pretty clear that I was crying. Eventually my friend let go of my hand, and I got some circulation back to my hand, but it's like we could separate. I had to let her know I was there. I stopped crying, and I [like a dumb dumb] thought I was good to go... then altar call happened.
No sooner did my pastor tell us to stand up and bow our heads that my friend completely and totally lost it. I'm not talking the sobbing when your sad. I'm talking that wailing that happens when your heart has been broken. That cry... it crumbled my heart... it's not a cry you forget. She's sitting with her head bowed weeping, and I'm standing next to hear. Once again... I put my hand on her back to calm her down. [Insert my ugly cry here.] I have one hand on her back, and the other hand balled up in a fist covering my mouth trying to hide the fact that I'm weeping right along side her. Finally there is a group of 4 that were praying over my friend, and then I was there too. All of a sudden I couldn't catch my breath, and just felt like I had to separate myself from her. So I walked to the altar, faced her, stretched my hand out, and kept praying. Just crying out to God to heal her broken heart.
For what seemed like an eternity I sat there. Just waiting. I don't know for what, but I was waiting. Then two of my friends that had been praying for the broken friend came with that friend and got me to go back to the prayer room. Then the story comes out. I'm still crying at this point. That snotty, gross, can't catch your breath cry. Then she says the thing that literally took what little breath I had away from me. She said the thing that bothers her most is that if she leaves her husband she'd have to listen to her 2 year old daughter ask every night where her daddy was. I was done by that point, and told them I had to step away for a second. And in reality I didn't say it... I more like barely audibly choked it out. I had to find Cindy. It wasn't a "oh I might want to talk to her." It was an intense NEED to just be near her. So I walked back into the sanctuary. Talked to her, and got some wisdom. Cleared my mind. Let her love on me. CAUGHT MY BREATH. Told her bye and that I loved her, and went back into the prayer room.
Unbeknownst to me the pastor was coming back there to talk to my friend. So I sit down about half a seat away from her because I don't want to touch her AT ALL because every time I had that night I literally could feel what she felt. So she starts spilling to the pastor and is as calm as can be. MY waterworks, on the other hand, sprung forth like an out of control leaky faucet. My two friends that had been praying for the other friend were trying to calm me, but laughing at me all at the same time because they knew what was going on.
Here's the thing... all that business. Feeling what my friend felt. That was the Holy Spirit. My friend knows that I was hurting for her, but she doesn't quite understand that I actually felt it.
It's funny how I don't like to be touched, but God has brought me on such a wild journey that depending on my relationship with the person I can feel what the feel, and hurt as they hurt in a way that has never ever happened to me before. So now that I'm slowly getting past not liking to be touched... I now am scared to death to touch anyone that I love dearly who may be having a highly emotional moment.
Awesome.
God picked a heck of a week to mess with me, but it was an amazing week... no matter how difficult it was too. I had joy, and still have it. I love my life, and know God has led me here for a purpose.
So blessed.
First week back at school. From Sunday up until yesterday have been some of the best, and the hardest days yet. Walking this road at school is a lot harder when you've been in a protective bubble for 7 weeks. There are a LOT of things that have happened this week... but I'm just going to hit on one.
Wednesday. My friend wanted to come to church with me again. I unhappily reminded her what time it started. Well about 15 minutes or more into service she hadn't showed, and a little part of me was glad [yet guilty feeling]. Right in the middle of worship I heard this jingle of a purse and felt my friend that was next to me move away. I glanced up just in time to see the other friend come in the pew. I just reminded myself that it was me and God worship zone. No one else can effect me and Him. Well a lady spoke. Then someone else interpreted, and that friend sat down and began crying so I just reached over and put my hand on her back. No big deal. So we all sit down for the pastor to start bring the message, and I just reached over and put my arm around my friend. Once again. No big deal. Well she wrote me a note, and as soon as she started writing it I knew. It was the one thing on a very short list, that my group of friends has yet to deal with. Then all of a sudden it was mentally checked off. My friend's husband had an affair. I immediately moved the stuff between us to the other side of myself, and scooted as close to her as I could get without one of us sitting on the other, and she just started sobbing. I've never held someone in such a way that I was all but covering them, but I did that night. It was basically to try and soothe her, and quiet her because I was about to be center of attention with all the noise I was sitting next to. So she calms down. So I take my arm away, but don't move. We're just sitting with our shoulders touching. Well she reaches her arm through mine, and grabs my opposite hand so are arms are all tangled up in each other. Pastor is preaching about something I don't even remember, but I do remember he said something about hearts breaking for what breaks His, and I literally started having this dull chest pain and tears just started streaming down my face. Luckily I managed to do it somewhat stoically instead of the ugly cry that usually happens [and within a few minutes DID happen]. I was on the 2nd row though so It was pretty clear that I was crying. Eventually my friend let go of my hand, and I got some circulation back to my hand, but it's like we could separate. I had to let her know I was there. I stopped crying, and I [like a dumb dumb] thought I was good to go... then altar call happened.
No sooner did my pastor tell us to stand up and bow our heads that my friend completely and totally lost it. I'm not talking the sobbing when your sad. I'm talking that wailing that happens when your heart has been broken. That cry... it crumbled my heart... it's not a cry you forget. She's sitting with her head bowed weeping, and I'm standing next to hear. Once again... I put my hand on her back to calm her down. [Insert my ugly cry here.] I have one hand on her back, and the other hand balled up in a fist covering my mouth trying to hide the fact that I'm weeping right along side her. Finally there is a group of 4 that were praying over my friend, and then I was there too. All of a sudden I couldn't catch my breath, and just felt like I had to separate myself from her. So I walked to the altar, faced her, stretched my hand out, and kept praying. Just crying out to God to heal her broken heart.
For what seemed like an eternity I sat there. Just waiting. I don't know for what, but I was waiting. Then two of my friends that had been praying for the broken friend came with that friend and got me to go back to the prayer room. Then the story comes out. I'm still crying at this point. That snotty, gross, can't catch your breath cry. Then she says the thing that literally took what little breath I had away from me. She said the thing that bothers her most is that if she leaves her husband she'd have to listen to her 2 year old daughter ask every night where her daddy was. I was done by that point, and told them I had to step away for a second. And in reality I didn't say it... I more like barely audibly choked it out. I had to find Cindy. It wasn't a "oh I might want to talk to her." It was an intense NEED to just be near her. So I walked back into the sanctuary. Talked to her, and got some wisdom. Cleared my mind. Let her love on me. CAUGHT MY BREATH. Told her bye and that I loved her, and went back into the prayer room.
Unbeknownst to me the pastor was coming back there to talk to my friend. So I sit down about half a seat away from her because I don't want to touch her AT ALL because every time I had that night I literally could feel what she felt. So she starts spilling to the pastor and is as calm as can be. MY waterworks, on the other hand, sprung forth like an out of control leaky faucet. My two friends that had been praying for the other friend were trying to calm me, but laughing at me all at the same time because they knew what was going on.
Here's the thing... all that business. Feeling what my friend felt. That was the Holy Spirit. My friend knows that I was hurting for her, but she doesn't quite understand that I actually felt it.
It's funny how I don't like to be touched, but God has brought me on such a wild journey that depending on my relationship with the person I can feel what the feel, and hurt as they hurt in a way that has never ever happened to me before. So now that I'm slowly getting past not liking to be touched... I now am scared to death to touch anyone that I love dearly who may be having a highly emotional moment.
Awesome.
God picked a heck of a week to mess with me, but it was an amazing week... no matter how difficult it was too. I had joy, and still have it. I love my life, and know God has led me here for a purpose.
So blessed.
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