Table for One

This has been a tough week in single world. Most of the time I'm good. Just taking it all in stride because I know God has plans in that area. I know this is just a season. However, in my head, it's been a 27 year season a couple of years... since I'm trying not to be dramatic. God showed me this past year (by allowing me to absolutely get my heart broken) that I can, in fact, love deeply... and it be real. Because honestly... I didn't think I was capable of falling for someone. I figured my heart had been so ruined over my years of having a very absent father, that the ship had sailed on ever finding love. Boy did I find it... and it was unrequited. And my heart was shattered. I had to see for myself that I was capable of loving... and boy was I crazy about him. One of those- get giddy when I talk about him. Can't speak around him because I turn into this giggling idiot of a girl. It was bad... less bad... more uncharacteristic. There. That's a better word. It's been almost a year... and sometimes it still hurts. God showed me that He'd healed my heart though. For some reason this week has been particularly difficult. I'm in this awkward waiting time. I know He's bringing me someone. I also know that right now He wants me all to Himself. My selfish mind is going "you've had me 27 years!", then I hear His gently voice say, "no. I've had all of you for 2." Noted. Ouch.

The problem also lies in my constant telling God that He knows the desires of my heart, and that He gives people the desires of their heart. Then the next words out of my mouth are, "God take me where I've never been with You. Guide me footsteps. I don't want to do anything that is out of your will. I don't want to be in it if you're not." Then I get all nervous because I'm wondering, "what IF God doesn't plan on me ever marrying? What if He plans on me getting married so late in life that it would be silly, and irresponsible to have kids?" The list could go on. I've never been in this place before. The aching heart for companionship. The hurting heart because I love my friends kids so much, but so deeply desire to have kids of my own. It doesn't help when my mother makes comments like, "I'm never going to have grandkids", or "Are there any prospective men at your church, because if not you really need to get out and look more", or the most recent one, "you're nearly 30." For real? Because I had no idea how old I was. Seriously? And NO I will not leave a church just to go find a husband. God brought me to this church for a reason, and I have no doubt that if I'm going to find someone, it'll be there. I just want to ask my mother what happened to her thinking I was so responsible, and level headed. I was a school/career girl first, had my head on straight, and had plenty of time to get married and have kids. Now she acts like I'm failing because I've not done any of the above. 

To add to it, all my friends are either married, or married with babies. It's one of those moments where it's like you're standing still, and everyone else is rushing by moving on with their lives. Their "God plans". Mine is not moving that way. I mean... I'm in God's plan. No doubt. It's the first time I've NOT doubted whether I'm where He wants me. It's just... for once I feel like a piece of me is missing because I don't have "a person". I can honestly say that I've never in my life felt that way. It aggravates me a little to feel like that.

For now I guess I'll just pray for contentment in the moment, and continue to be the "fun pretend aunt/tagalong girl/table for one".