Table for One

This has been a tough week in single world. Most of the time I'm good. Just taking it all in stride because I know God has plans in that area. I know this is just a season. However, in my head, it's been a 27 year season a couple of years... since I'm trying not to be dramatic. God showed me this past year (by allowing me to absolutely get my heart broken) that I can, in fact, love deeply... and it be real. Because honestly... I didn't think I was capable of falling for someone. I figured my heart had been so ruined over my years of having a very absent father, that the ship had sailed on ever finding love. Boy did I find it... and it was unrequited. And my heart was shattered. I had to see for myself that I was capable of loving... and boy was I crazy about him. One of those- get giddy when I talk about him. Can't speak around him because I turn into this giggling idiot of a girl. It was bad... less bad... more uncharacteristic. There. That's a better word. It's been almost a year... and sometimes it still hurts. God showed me that He'd healed my heart though. For some reason this week has been particularly difficult. I'm in this awkward waiting time. I know He's bringing me someone. I also know that right now He wants me all to Himself. My selfish mind is going "you've had me 27 years!", then I hear His gently voice say, "no. I've had all of you for 2." Noted. Ouch.

The problem also lies in my constant telling God that He knows the desires of my heart, and that He gives people the desires of their heart. Then the next words out of my mouth are, "God take me where I've never been with You. Guide me footsteps. I don't want to do anything that is out of your will. I don't want to be in it if you're not." Then I get all nervous because I'm wondering, "what IF God doesn't plan on me ever marrying? What if He plans on me getting married so late in life that it would be silly, and irresponsible to have kids?" The list could go on. I've never been in this place before. The aching heart for companionship. The hurting heart because I love my friends kids so much, but so deeply desire to have kids of my own. It doesn't help when my mother makes comments like, "I'm never going to have grandkids", or "Are there any prospective men at your church, because if not you really need to get out and look more", or the most recent one, "you're nearly 30." For real? Because I had no idea how old I was. Seriously? And NO I will not leave a church just to go find a husband. God brought me to this church for a reason, and I have no doubt that if I'm going to find someone, it'll be there. I just want to ask my mother what happened to her thinking I was so responsible, and level headed. I was a school/career girl first, had my head on straight, and had plenty of time to get married and have kids. Now she acts like I'm failing because I've not done any of the above. 

To add to it, all my friends are either married, or married with babies. It's one of those moments where it's like you're standing still, and everyone else is rushing by moving on with their lives. Their "God plans". Mine is not moving that way. I mean... I'm in God's plan. No doubt. It's the first time I've NOT doubted whether I'm where He wants me. It's just... for once I feel like a piece of me is missing because I don't have "a person". I can honestly say that I've never in my life felt that way. It aggravates me a little to feel like that.

For now I guess I'll just pray for contentment in the moment, and continue to be the "fun pretend aunt/tagalong girl/table for one".

Still Learning...

So today I went to lunch with a friend. We normally go each week. It started off as "counseling" but with lunch. Now it's just two friends talking life and fellow-shipping. I love it. However, it is always horribly obvious how much phones, and media control our lives when we're together. It's constantly being on the phone. Whether talking or texting. It truly drives me nuts. I left lunch frustrated and with hurt feelings. I felt walked over and taken advantage of. Would she have had a 30 minutes conversation on the phone with someone if she'd gone to eat with some of the other ladies we're friends with? No. Most likely not. I really struggled with feeling like I was just backup that is easily pushed aside.
I was talking to my Cindy about it. My second momma. My anam cara [soul friend]. She told me to say something. And later on in the day I typed up a longish text. I even asked Cindy if it was okay. Then I couldn't send it. The same friend who is constantly on her phone? She's also the friend that the enemy has attacked the mess out of over the past 6 months. The one that is like my big sister. The one who depends on and looks to me to love her unconditionally. And I couldn't send the text. Cindy told me to use my own judgement on whether or not I sent the text. Frustrated Megan wanted to send it, but deep down [where rational Megan was temporarily stationed] couldn't do it.
I told Cindy I'd rather be hurt than risk hurting her feelings. She said I had to make up my mind. Huh? What does that even mean? So I asked. "About what? Letting people hurt me or confronting?" Then she blew my mind... which isn't uncommon. This is what she said, "Both. Do you know she will love you through the confrontation or do you love enough to not confront. Yikes... that stinks." That'd be a direct Cindy quote. Stinks? Holy cow! It more than stinks! But it made me think. It made me realize that I'd rather love enough to not confront, but I'd rather be confident and sure enough of her [my "sister"s] love for me that I CAN confront without fear of losing her love. Then I realized that I know she loves me. However, the only person whose love I don't question anymore, and know I don't just get used, is Cindy's. It's a self-worth and confidence issue. It's still working myself out of the grip of my past. I still struggle with the fact that just because you confront someone, it doesn't mean they're going to get mad, yell, and/or walk away from you. Confrontation does not and should not equal loss of love. Jesus confronted didn't He? People confronted Him! He still loved.
So I'm still learning. This love business... it's confusing for this formerly broken, shattered heart girl. God is at work though. He's got quite a job cut out. Fairly certain He can handle it though. ;)

Check me OUT

It's only been 9 days!!! That's not too shabby for being a horribly, inconsistent blogger.

It's been quite a week. I'm kind of in a season of being really, REALLY busy. I'm loving every bit of it. However, sometimes I'm a little worn out. The season is short though... we're coming up on our Awaken Women's Retreat. I'm so anxious I can't hardly stand it. It's going to be incredible. I mean... the name of it is "Intensity"!! All this has kind of put me "in charge" as the fundraising coordinator. It totally freaks me out. Mainly because I'm kind of, sort of in charge of raising money for the retreat. It's a huge responsibility... and a huge sum of money. I know God is faithful, and will provide what is needed for our women's ministry to be successful.

With the retreat drawing near... the enemy is working overtime. I don't know why it surprises me. He's a hateful, mean, conniving, deceitful little booger. He ticks me off. Big time. The fact that he is attacking my God-mom, my God-sis... ugh. I would take him with a water pistol. God has really been teaching me how to fight and intercede for people in pray. It's hard. It' makes you mad. Breaks your heart. Wears you smooth OUT. God is building my faith... because when it comes to the "spiritual gifts", faith is one of my lowest. That hurts my heart for some reason. So I'm really working on trusting Him. Being still. Quieting my frequently anxious heart. I get feel like I can take blows all day long, but I can't stand to watch those I love suffer. I had a good friend tell me that in one particular situation she felt like maybe God was using this to grow me. Even though it took me a little while to figure out what she was trying to say. I do feel like He is revealing some stuff to me [like my lack of faith].

I'm coming up on my two year "anniversary" of the night God totally rocked my world. He has continued to blow my mind every year [all 2], every month, week, day! Same friend who thinks God is up to something with me in these situations posed a question to me. She probably meant it to be rhetorical, but I'm gonna answer it. What would I have thought last year if someone had said you'd be where you are? I would have rolled my eyes, and probably done an uncomfortable laugh... accompanied with a sarcastic, negative remark. Seriously. He's done such a work in me. The more I reflect, the more I see His hand in everything that's happened [good or bad]. Go back two years... if someone had posed the same question... well... that's a whole other blog. Maybe. Lots and LOTS of personal stuff. NOT internet worthy. Because let's be honest... people put too much out there about themselves. Let's keep some privacy people!
Until next time...
Megan

one year [kind of]

I could wait and write a new blog post... one year after my last one. Though I'm sure NO ONE reads this thing anymore. This last year. Wow. I graduated nursing school June 22. I took [and passed] my boards about 3 weeks after that [July 20th I think?]. After a long, and what seemed torturous, waiting period of countless interviews. Being promised a job. Then it not working out. I finally got a job at a clinic. It's in a building with a LOT of other different specialty clinics. We're urgent care so I see something different all the time. Sometimes it's boring, but other times it's cool. There have been a few doozy stories that I just have to laugh about cause they're just ridiculous. I've grown so much this past year in my relationship with God. It still just takes my breath away. HE takes my breath away. I've found out that I can have really strong feelings for someone, and then I've had to pick up the pieces of a very broken, shattered heart. I have an incredible God momma who has my heart, and I absolutely adore. She has taught me how to love God, love people, and give my all for ministry. She has helped me to see a whole, big world in front of me. That I am loved. I can love. She's changed my world. It's not all been fun and feel good. The closer I get to God, the stronger the enemy has tried to take me out. He's pulled out all the stops. My family isn't having the easiest time because my Pawpaw [who is the most incredible, Godly man I know] is sick. He has early dementia, and it stinks to watch him change. I grasp strongly to the fact that he is still extremely with it. The situation could be worse, it just stinks because there's not a cure. So needless to say the enemy has attacked my family on a lot of levels. I've also watched, but continued to fight with all I had, as he has attacked my friend's and their bodies, their families, and their faith. In fact, the past 4 months have been really hard to deal with. There have been a lot of tears. Questions. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. There's one thing he can't take though, and that's my joy. Even with all that happens I know God is faithful. Some days it takes a little bit more convincing, but a good friend of mine at church told me about a month ago that when I feel like saying "I'm worried" to say "God is at work". Because He is. That's all I have for now. I'm hoping maybe, MAYBE, I'll update this a little more frequently then once a year, or once a month. Maybe we'll shoot for once a week. Baby steps.

Nursing school makes the absolute WORST blogger. Yesterday was a year since I gave Smith my letter. Friday it will be a year since Awaken III. What a different a year has made in my life. When I look back on it, it kind of takes my breath away. Must study before worship practice. Not enough time in my day.

Lesson From A Little Person

I know I'm not the only person to whom God teaches lessons to in unexpected ways. Tonight threw me though. Only one other time have I distinctly heard God say something to me. Tonight was round 2. I went to a thing at church tonight, and hadn't even made it in the door before I got asked to work the nursery for one little girl. Keep in mind... I've not worked a nursery in forever. Much less with kids I don't know. I'm still relatively new at church so parents and kids don't know me. Anyways, I said yes and off I went. Every thing was fine. Little girl (who I'm going to refer to as "A") was great. To my point though...

You know how we automatically look at a baby, toddler, kid, etc. and judge how cute they are? Well A was beautiful. Sweet little curls. The most beautiful hazel eyes. Perfect little features. I mean kid is gonna be a stunner. She was perfect just at a glance. Then as I was playing with her I noticed something. Her hands. Everyone knows how a "normal" hand looks. Fingers basically form an upside down "u" with their different lengths. A's didn't. All her fingers were the same short length except both her ring fingers were significantly longer than the other fingers. I'd never seen that. In my ridiculous human nature I immediately thought, "oh it's just a defect." And I swear to you as clear as if He were talking to me face to face God said, "I don't do defects. She is perfect in every feature because I fashioned her that way. She is made in my image just like you are made in my image and perfect even with your 'abnormalities'." And that's how God spokento me through a 1 1/2 year old I'd just met.

All this came after a hard question was asked of me yesterday. "When are you goin to truly believe everything you so desperately want everyone else to know?" In other words... Make my head knowledge TRUE heart knowledge. And I'm not sure. All I know is I love Him. I'm in an intense pursuit of a deeper relationship with Him. And that I fight and struggle with it almost daily.

God is working in some crazy ways in my life. He's up to something and I am nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time. He is so good to me.

Letter to a Stranger

At some point I'm gonna throw out into blog world all about the past 4 weeks [on Monday] with nursing school being put on pause, and how, and why, and what God's shown me so far, but not tonight. Tonight I've got other plans for writing...

A couple of days ago my mom sent me an email that a friend of hers had sent. I'm not going to post it on here, but as I read it I felt a lump build up in my throat. I saw words that screamed desperatation. Hurt. Mistrust. Emptiness. I was reading things like, "I'm not in a good place mentally", "I'm in the process of switching to new meds", "I don't belive in the Bible", "I don't believe in a higher being", "why would a loving God allow someone who has followed Him, and been good their whole lives die horrible deaths, but people who are 'terrible' die peacefully." I felt such a pull to respond to this man's email. A man I've heard about, but if I saw him walk past me would never know it was him. I wanted to so desperately for this man to know what I know. I wasn't going to post what I replied to him... I kept thinking "you're going to offend someone" and "what if someone gets mad". Then I realized I didn't care. My heart has been changed the past 6 months. In ways I can't even explain most of the time. It's not about whether or not I offend people with what I say. I'm not condemning anyone. I love everyone in my life whether I agree with what they do or not. This letter though... this is where I'm at right now... and I didn't even realize it until the words just started flowing out on the paper. So here it goes...

"I’ve questioned why people who follow so closely to Christ get really sick or die in unfair ways. And I don’t know why that happens. I do believe that a lot of it is an attack of Satan on their bodies and/or minds because they have become a threat to him. Satan isn’t going to bother people, as much, who are doing “his work”. Maybe people who love the Lord so much have to die or get sick the way they do so that others come to know Him. The one and only true Healer. As believers we don’t want to be sick, but we rejoice at the thought of spending eternity with Him [Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”]. As a Christian we believe that to be on earth is to just get worldly gain… but to die is to gain the best thing of all. The only time we will all be truly healed of what we deal and suffer with is when we get to Heaven. Our treasures are not stored here.
Over the past few months I’ve had to learn, and am still learning, one of the hardest things about being a Christian. It’s not always about feeling. Is it an amazing experience when we, as believers, feel God’s presence all over us… and it’s so strong we can hardly stand [or can’t stand at all!]? Yes. Absolutely. But it’s not just about a feeling. It’s not about the tears, or the goose bumps, or laughter, or however it is that you know God’s presence is washing over you and expressed through you. It’s about the constant pursuit for Him. The desire and need to be near the Father. The only Father that won't ever hurt you. Is He silent sometimes? Yeah. Do I think that means He’s walked away from me? No. There have been moments where I’ve questioned everything I’ve ever known about God. I didn’t understand His ways. I didn’t understand why things happened. And I walked away. Never completely, but there was a very recent time where I knew who He was, but I just didn’t care. I was searching for something, and didn’t even know what it was until it basically dropped in my lap.
All I know is this… if I live my life as if God does not exist, and He does than all is lost. If I live my life as if He does, and He doesn’t exist then I’ve not lost anything. He is a God of restoration and freedom. He’s a God that can take drug addicts and make them into people who help others out of their addictions. He can use a song to heal a wound. He can use a teacher to bring a student out of a dark pit they were in. He can use a baby to save a planet. He can turn any bad situation to good. ANY. I know that I love Him even if I don’t always understand Him… and I don’t have to understand Him. He is far to great to be completely understood. I don’t think I’d want to worship a god that I can understand.
We don’t have to be perfect. We are all still sinners… the only difference in a Christian and a non-Christian is that Christians have asked for forgiveness, and turned from their sinful ways in pursuit of a God-centered lifestyle. We screw up. That’s life. However, I would rather live, my life every day as if He exists… because if I live my life sinfully and He does exist I’ve lost it all when I die. There’s no purpose in life except to be born, live, and die.
Wouldn’t you rather live a life full of purpose where you are born, live, die, and then get to LIVE forever?"