The Bottom Fell Out

Monday, just when I let my guard down, I got this email...
Subject: MS II grade Sent: October 17, 2011 8:05 PM
Dear Megan,
I am so sorry but you did not pass MS II. Please refer to your syllabus for further information regarding your score and requirements. It is imperative that you come by tomorrow and complete paperwork and let me know if you plan to return in the spring. I will be in class in the morning, however if you need to come Ms. Yaya will be available from 8 to 9. Otherwise you will need to come after 12 noon. If you would like to come in on Wednesday that will be fine also. Just be sure to come between 1 and 3pm.
I want to encourage you to please continue to pursue your goal. Do not let anything stop you from becoming a nurse if that is your desire. I know you are probably very discouraged right now but please don’t let this stop you. I along with the other instructors support you in continuing in the program next spring. We want you to continue and finish the program. Wishing you the best!!
Mrs. S

It was the generic email. The one 5 others got. It had the same effect on all of us though. Completely devastated. Within ten minutes of her emailing me, she texted me. It did not ease the blow. It also didn't ease the blow even when on my way home from Bible study Monday night I just knew I was going to be back in March. Even though I wanted to believe I'd be at school Tuesday [which I was... but only to sign papers acknowledging my fate] I knew that I wouldn't be back until March, and I think God gave me that to try to ease it, but it didn't.

See... the night before I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd done all I could. I'd studied for 15+ hours. I had texted Mrs. S the night before. I told her that i was scared to death about the next day, and she told me to know that I'd done the best I could and to give it my all. That she was praying God's peace over me, and to rest. And then my famous words that honestly haunt me... I told her, "The thing is I prayed on the way to church tonight, and told God I'd studied. I'd done my part and that I just prayed we ALL retained what we'd studied. And I told Him He knew my will, but I wanted His will, and if His will was different and I wasn't done with what He wanted me to accomplish there then I'd be okay."

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever EVER believe that my will [time frame for school] didn't match up with His. I mean... without a doubt He put me in this program. I've been totally into nursing since I was 16. Put it on hold because I felt [and still feel] called to ministry. So I went and got a degree in ministry from OBU... which I've yet to use vocationally, but it's served me well just in life, and I know it got me ready for nursing school. Couldn't find a job after I graduated in 2008 so I started working at the bank. Again. Which I didn't mind at first, but 2 years later became miserable [in all aspects of life]. Spiritually I was just... existing. Then the nursing school idea got put back in my head, and now that I think about it... I'm not sure what even planted that idea. Had to be God. And then I didn't look at any schools, BUT the program that I was... am... currently in. Which just so happened to be where Mrs. S was an instructor. Who I just so happened to be instantly drawn to the second I met her. Who challenged me in ways I didn't think possible... who made me mad... who made me cry... who has loved me through every insane thing I've done and said the past 10 months [especially since April 29]. She brought me to Faith. It has ALL worked together. Every moment the last 6 years of my life. It's all led me to here. So you can imagine how blindsided I felt Monday night.

Honestly this is how I felt... feel... that for the first time in all my life for ONCE [for the very first stinkin' time] I gave it all to God. I trusted Him, and genuinely want[ed] His will for my life. Then why does it feel like the bottom fell out of my world?

Yesterday

So it's been 24 hours since I found out that I didn't pass my final at school, and can't continue in the nursing program. I can go back in March and start up where I failed. I know there's a reason that God put me there longer. I'm at peace with it. However, it still is devastating, and it hurts. Bad. I already miss school. I miss my friends there that are more like family. Maybe tomorrow I can get through tomorrow without a meltdown.

Hurt for A Hurt

I should really be studying. Reviewing my 2 patient summaries. Or maybe even sleeping right now. But I can't. I'm at a major crossroads with my dad. I don't even know how to go about typing it out so I'm just gonna roll with it.

I have 2 months left of school. That's it. A job is just not possible right now. So I asked him for help the next couple of months. I promptly was told that I basically needed to suck it up, and work while doing school. Here's the thing... I've worked 10 months of the year that this program takes. And I'm just now desperate for money. I've made crazy sacrifices to have money, and that's okay. I'm not all mad about it. It was something I had to do. Here's the thing though... I can only sell so much. So I decided it was time. Time to tell him how I felt. Because he not only told me to suck it up... he wanted to know what my problem was and that he felt cut off because he can't see anything on Facebook or Twitter. Is he a 12 year old? Apparently.

So I wrote a letter. Twice. I told him that I apparently wasn't quite ready to forgive him. That my problem was that he left me. He moved nearly 2000 miles away, and raised two boys that weren't even his. That he can't see anything on those two social sites because I didn't think he deserved to learn anything about me, and know who I was because of a social networking site. He didn't make the effort when I was young and it wasn't going to be that easy now. I told him that eventually I could forgive him and let him be a part of my life, but not now. Because every little thing he does that bothers me just rips open the wound and rub salt in it. I can't heal when he's a part of my life.

But I haven't sent it. Because here's the ironic thing... I don't want to hurt him. He's hurt me regularly my entire life. In ways that are going to effect every single relationship I have. Ways that DO effect every single relationship... including my friends. My family. My God. Then I got to thinking about why I can't seem to hurt him and it occurred to me. Don't you think that's kind of how God is with us? Don't think I'm getting all blasphemes... just go with me here. We hurt Him all the time when we sin, but He still loves us. He doesn't hurt us back. Here's my dilemma... I need to say those things to heal. I need to separate myself from my dad to heal because he causes me to struggle on an extremely regular basis. I just don't know how to say those things without hurting him. Quite frankly that infuriates me... because I don't want to care whether or not I hurt him. I do though.

I wish there were an "easy" button for this...