Lesson From A Little Person

I know I'm not the only person to whom God teaches lessons to in unexpected ways. Tonight threw me though. Only one other time have I distinctly heard God say something to me. Tonight was round 2. I went to a thing at church tonight, and hadn't even made it in the door before I got asked to work the nursery for one little girl. Keep in mind... I've not worked a nursery in forever. Much less with kids I don't know. I'm still relatively new at church so parents and kids don't know me. Anyways, I said yes and off I went. Every thing was fine. Little girl (who I'm going to refer to as "A") was great. To my point though...

You know how we automatically look at a baby, toddler, kid, etc. and judge how cute they are? Well A was beautiful. Sweet little curls. The most beautiful hazel eyes. Perfect little features. I mean kid is gonna be a stunner. She was perfect just at a glance. Then as I was playing with her I noticed something. Her hands. Everyone knows how a "normal" hand looks. Fingers basically form an upside down "u" with their different lengths. A's didn't. All her fingers were the same short length except both her ring fingers were significantly longer than the other fingers. I'd never seen that. In my ridiculous human nature I immediately thought, "oh it's just a defect." And I swear to you as clear as if He were talking to me face to face God said, "I don't do defects. She is perfect in every feature because I fashioned her that way. She is made in my image just like you are made in my image and perfect even with your 'abnormalities'." And that's how God spokento me through a 1 1/2 year old I'd just met.

All this came after a hard question was asked of me yesterday. "When are you goin to truly believe everything you so desperately want everyone else to know?" In other words... Make my head knowledge TRUE heart knowledge. And I'm not sure. All I know is I love Him. I'm in an intense pursuit of a deeper relationship with Him. And that I fight and struggle with it almost daily.

God is working in some crazy ways in my life. He's up to something and I am nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time. He is so good to me.

Letter to a Stranger

At some point I'm gonna throw out into blog world all about the past 4 weeks [on Monday] with nursing school being put on pause, and how, and why, and what God's shown me so far, but not tonight. Tonight I've got other plans for writing...

A couple of days ago my mom sent me an email that a friend of hers had sent. I'm not going to post it on here, but as I read it I felt a lump build up in my throat. I saw words that screamed desperatation. Hurt. Mistrust. Emptiness. I was reading things like, "I'm not in a good place mentally", "I'm in the process of switching to new meds", "I don't belive in the Bible", "I don't believe in a higher being", "why would a loving God allow someone who has followed Him, and been good their whole lives die horrible deaths, but people who are 'terrible' die peacefully." I felt such a pull to respond to this man's email. A man I've heard about, but if I saw him walk past me would never know it was him. I wanted to so desperately for this man to know what I know. I wasn't going to post what I replied to him... I kept thinking "you're going to offend someone" and "what if someone gets mad". Then I realized I didn't care. My heart has been changed the past 6 months. In ways I can't even explain most of the time. It's not about whether or not I offend people with what I say. I'm not condemning anyone. I love everyone in my life whether I agree with what they do or not. This letter though... this is where I'm at right now... and I didn't even realize it until the words just started flowing out on the paper. So here it goes...

"I’ve questioned why people who follow so closely to Christ get really sick or die in unfair ways. And I don’t know why that happens. I do believe that a lot of it is an attack of Satan on their bodies and/or minds because they have become a threat to him. Satan isn’t going to bother people, as much, who are doing “his work”. Maybe people who love the Lord so much have to die or get sick the way they do so that others come to know Him. The one and only true Healer. As believers we don’t want to be sick, but we rejoice at the thought of spending eternity with Him [Philippians 1:21- For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”]. As a Christian we believe that to be on earth is to just get worldly gain… but to die is to gain the best thing of all. The only time we will all be truly healed of what we deal and suffer with is when we get to Heaven. Our treasures are not stored here.
Over the past few months I’ve had to learn, and am still learning, one of the hardest things about being a Christian. It’s not always about feeling. Is it an amazing experience when we, as believers, feel God’s presence all over us… and it’s so strong we can hardly stand [or can’t stand at all!]? Yes. Absolutely. But it’s not just about a feeling. It’s not about the tears, or the goose bumps, or laughter, or however it is that you know God’s presence is washing over you and expressed through you. It’s about the constant pursuit for Him. The desire and need to be near the Father. The only Father that won't ever hurt you. Is He silent sometimes? Yeah. Do I think that means He’s walked away from me? No. There have been moments where I’ve questioned everything I’ve ever known about God. I didn’t understand His ways. I didn’t understand why things happened. And I walked away. Never completely, but there was a very recent time where I knew who He was, but I just didn’t care. I was searching for something, and didn’t even know what it was until it basically dropped in my lap.
All I know is this… if I live my life as if God does not exist, and He does than all is lost. If I live my life as if He does, and He doesn’t exist then I’ve not lost anything. He is a God of restoration and freedom. He’s a God that can take drug addicts and make them into people who help others out of their addictions. He can use a song to heal a wound. He can use a teacher to bring a student out of a dark pit they were in. He can use a baby to save a planet. He can turn any bad situation to good. ANY. I know that I love Him even if I don’t always understand Him… and I don’t have to understand Him. He is far to great to be completely understood. I don’t think I’d want to worship a god that I can understand.
We don’t have to be perfect. We are all still sinners… the only difference in a Christian and a non-Christian is that Christians have asked for forgiveness, and turned from their sinful ways in pursuit of a God-centered lifestyle. We screw up. That’s life. However, I would rather live, my life every day as if He exists… because if I live my life sinfully and He does exist I’ve lost it all when I die. There’s no purpose in life except to be born, live, and die.
Wouldn’t you rather live a life full of purpose where you are born, live, die, and then get to LIVE forever?"

The Bottom Fell Out

Monday, just when I let my guard down, I got this email...
Subject: MS II grade Sent: October 17, 2011 8:05 PM
Dear Megan,
I am so sorry but you did not pass MS II. Please refer to your syllabus for further information regarding your score and requirements. It is imperative that you come by tomorrow and complete paperwork and let me know if you plan to return in the spring. I will be in class in the morning, however if you need to come Ms. Yaya will be available from 8 to 9. Otherwise you will need to come after 12 noon. If you would like to come in on Wednesday that will be fine also. Just be sure to come between 1 and 3pm.
I want to encourage you to please continue to pursue your goal. Do not let anything stop you from becoming a nurse if that is your desire. I know you are probably very discouraged right now but please don’t let this stop you. I along with the other instructors support you in continuing in the program next spring. We want you to continue and finish the program. Wishing you the best!!
Mrs. S

It was the generic email. The one 5 others got. It had the same effect on all of us though. Completely devastated. Within ten minutes of her emailing me, she texted me. It did not ease the blow. It also didn't ease the blow even when on my way home from Bible study Monday night I just knew I was going to be back in March. Even though I wanted to believe I'd be at school Tuesday [which I was... but only to sign papers acknowledging my fate] I knew that I wouldn't be back until March, and I think God gave me that to try to ease it, but it didn't.

See... the night before I'd come to terms with the fact that I'd done all I could. I'd studied for 15+ hours. I had texted Mrs. S the night before. I told her that i was scared to death about the next day, and she told me to know that I'd done the best I could and to give it my all. That she was praying God's peace over me, and to rest. And then my famous words that honestly haunt me... I told her, "The thing is I prayed on the way to church tonight, and told God I'd studied. I'd done my part and that I just prayed we ALL retained what we'd studied. And I told Him He knew my will, but I wanted His will, and if His will was different and I wasn't done with what He wanted me to accomplish there then I'd be okay."

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever EVER believe that my will [time frame for school] didn't match up with His. I mean... without a doubt He put me in this program. I've been totally into nursing since I was 16. Put it on hold because I felt [and still feel] called to ministry. So I went and got a degree in ministry from OBU... which I've yet to use vocationally, but it's served me well just in life, and I know it got me ready for nursing school. Couldn't find a job after I graduated in 2008 so I started working at the bank. Again. Which I didn't mind at first, but 2 years later became miserable [in all aspects of life]. Spiritually I was just... existing. Then the nursing school idea got put back in my head, and now that I think about it... I'm not sure what even planted that idea. Had to be God. And then I didn't look at any schools, BUT the program that I was... am... currently in. Which just so happened to be where Mrs. S was an instructor. Who I just so happened to be instantly drawn to the second I met her. Who challenged me in ways I didn't think possible... who made me mad... who made me cry... who has loved me through every insane thing I've done and said the past 10 months [especially since April 29]. She brought me to Faith. It has ALL worked together. Every moment the last 6 years of my life. It's all led me to here. So you can imagine how blindsided I felt Monday night.

Honestly this is how I felt... feel... that for the first time in all my life for ONCE [for the very first stinkin' time] I gave it all to God. I trusted Him, and genuinely want[ed] His will for my life. Then why does it feel like the bottom fell out of my world?

Yesterday

So it's been 24 hours since I found out that I didn't pass my final at school, and can't continue in the nursing program. I can go back in March and start up where I failed. I know there's a reason that God put me there longer. I'm at peace with it. However, it still is devastating, and it hurts. Bad. I already miss school. I miss my friends there that are more like family. Maybe tomorrow I can get through tomorrow without a meltdown.

Hurt for A Hurt

I should really be studying. Reviewing my 2 patient summaries. Or maybe even sleeping right now. But I can't. I'm at a major crossroads with my dad. I don't even know how to go about typing it out so I'm just gonna roll with it.

I have 2 months left of school. That's it. A job is just not possible right now. So I asked him for help the next couple of months. I promptly was told that I basically needed to suck it up, and work while doing school. Here's the thing... I've worked 10 months of the year that this program takes. And I'm just now desperate for money. I've made crazy sacrifices to have money, and that's okay. I'm not all mad about it. It was something I had to do. Here's the thing though... I can only sell so much. So I decided it was time. Time to tell him how I felt. Because he not only told me to suck it up... he wanted to know what my problem was and that he felt cut off because he can't see anything on Facebook or Twitter. Is he a 12 year old? Apparently.

So I wrote a letter. Twice. I told him that I apparently wasn't quite ready to forgive him. That my problem was that he left me. He moved nearly 2000 miles away, and raised two boys that weren't even his. That he can't see anything on those two social sites because I didn't think he deserved to learn anything about me, and know who I was because of a social networking site. He didn't make the effort when I was young and it wasn't going to be that easy now. I told him that eventually I could forgive him and let him be a part of my life, but not now. Because every little thing he does that bothers me just rips open the wound and rub salt in it. I can't heal when he's a part of my life.

But I haven't sent it. Because here's the ironic thing... I don't want to hurt him. He's hurt me regularly my entire life. In ways that are going to effect every single relationship I have. Ways that DO effect every single relationship... including my friends. My family. My God. Then I got to thinking about why I can't seem to hurt him and it occurred to me. Don't you think that's kind of how God is with us? Don't think I'm getting all blasphemes... just go with me here. We hurt Him all the time when we sin, but He still loves us. He doesn't hurt us back. Here's my dilemma... I need to say those things to heal. I need to separate myself from my dad to heal because he causes me to struggle on an extremely regular basis. I just don't know how to say those things without hurting him. Quite frankly that infuriates me... because I don't want to care whether or not I hurt him. I do though.

I wish there were an "easy" button for this...

Rough

Clinical's started this week. I'm loving it like always. It's hard. I'm exhausted at least 4 days a week. So. Worth. It. So school is great. I did fail my 1 part of my first test. I passed the Pharmacology portion, yet failed Med Surge... Bizarre. It kind of blows my mind that I'm better at math than the medical aspect of it. I'm not going to let one failed test [that I only failed by a few points] define my remaining 14 weeks of school [That's right... 3 1/2 months and I'm done. Crazy times]. I was meant to be in this program. However, I wouldn't have failed my test if I had been in the right state of mind. Like I said... this week was rough, and it had nothing to do with school.

You see... the past 2 weeks God has been dealing with me. It has not been fun. It's been hard. The first week I cried a lot [and when you aren't a crier, more than 2 moments of crying is a lot]. It's even harder doing it by myself... because it's kind of a me and God thing. I don't even feel like I can talk about anything because I need to be independent. It also doesn't help that the head honcho at school knows that I go to church with one of the instructors. So now I'm super paranoid about even going into Mrs. C's office... who is Mrs. S at school, and it's just frustrating. So last week [though it was an amazing school week] there was crying when it came down to spiritual stuff. This week... angry at the world. Fun transition, right? Still avoiding my instructor at school, and starting to at church. It's all just a mess. As if I wasn't already feeling down... a friend told me that I was using my instructor as a crutch [and prefaced the statement with, "I mean this with all the love in the world"... not feeling the love]. Which pretty much finished me up by crushing me since I've hardly talked to Mrs. C in 2 weeks [since this all started]. Way to kick me when I'm down. I couldn't even respond to the text because I knew I'd say something that was beyond hateful, and I'm now avoiding deliberate conversation with THAT friend for fear of saying something I'll regret. At least I'm in the right enough mind to know that though... apparently I do have self-control over my mouth. Shocker. I know.

I know this isn't the typical, "Jesus is awesome, and working in my life" post... but it's not always roses.

Say a prayer for me if ya think about it. This leg of the journey is leaving me broken and bruised.

The Power of Touch

*DISCLAIMER* I'm well aware that the following events may cause any of my friends who read this blog to think I've officially lost my mind. If someone [just 4 months ago] had told me this happened to them I'm sure I would have labeled them a religious nut. I promise you though my mind... it's very much still intact.

First week back at school. From Sunday up until yesterday have been some of the best, and the hardest days yet. Walking this road at school is a lot harder when you've been in a protective bubble for 7 weeks. There are a LOT of things that have happened this week... but I'm just going to hit on one.

Wednesday. My friend wanted to come to church with me again. I unhappily reminded her what time it started. Well about 15 minutes or more into service she hadn't showed, and a little part of me was glad [yet guilty feeling]. Right in the middle of worship I heard this jingle of a purse and felt my friend that was next to me move away. I glanced up just in time to see the other friend come in the pew. I just reminded myself that it was me and God worship zone. No one else can effect me and Him. Well a lady spoke. Then someone else interpreted, and that friend sat down and began crying so I just reached over and put my hand on her back. No big deal. So we all sit down for the pastor to start bring the message, and I just reached over and put my arm around my friend. Once again. No big deal. Well she wrote me a note, and as soon as she started writing it I knew. It was the one thing on a very short list, that my group of friends has yet to deal with. Then all of a sudden it was mentally checked off. My friend's husband had an affair. I immediately moved the stuff between us to the other side of myself, and scooted as close to her as I could get without one of us sitting on the other, and she just started sobbing. I've never held someone in such a way that I was all but covering them, but I did that night. It was basically to try and soothe her, and quiet her because I was about to be center of attention with all the noise I was sitting next to. So she calms down. So I take my arm away, but don't move. We're just sitting with our shoulders touching. Well she reaches her arm through mine, and grabs my opposite hand so are arms are all tangled up in each other. Pastor is preaching about something I don't even remember, but I do remember he said something about hearts breaking for what breaks His, and I literally started having this dull chest pain and tears just started streaming down my face. Luckily I managed to do it somewhat stoically instead of the ugly cry that usually happens [and within a few minutes DID happen]. I was on the 2nd row though so It was pretty clear that I was crying. Eventually my friend let go of my hand, and I got some circulation back to my hand, but it's like we could separate. I had to let her know I was there. I stopped crying, and I [like a dumb dumb] thought I was good to go... then altar call happened.

No sooner did my pastor tell us to stand up and bow our heads that my friend completely and totally lost it. I'm not talking the sobbing when your sad. I'm talking that wailing that happens when your heart has been broken. That cry... it crumbled my heart... it's not a cry you forget. She's sitting with her head bowed weeping, and I'm standing next to hear. Once again... I put my hand on her back to calm her down. [Insert my ugly cry here.] I have one hand on her back, and the other hand balled up in a fist covering my mouth trying to hide the fact that I'm weeping right along side her. Finally there is a group of 4 that were praying over my friend, and then I was there too. All of a sudden I couldn't catch my breath, and just felt like I had to separate myself from her. So I walked to the altar, faced her, stretched my hand out, and kept praying. Just crying out to God to heal her broken heart.

For what seemed like an eternity I sat there. Just waiting. I don't know for what, but I was waiting. Then two of my friends that had been praying for the broken friend came with that friend and got me to go back to the prayer room. Then the story comes out. I'm still crying at this point. That snotty, gross, can't catch your breath cry. Then she says the thing that literally took what little breath I had away from me. She said the thing that bothers her most is that if she leaves her husband she'd have to listen to her 2 year old daughter ask every night where her daddy was. I was done by that point, and told them I had to step away for a second. And in reality I didn't say it... I more like barely audibly choked it out. I had to find Cindy. It wasn't a "oh I might want to talk to her." It was an intense NEED to just be near her. So I walked back into the sanctuary. Talked to her, and got some wisdom. Cleared my mind. Let her love on me. CAUGHT MY BREATH. Told her bye and that I loved her, and went back into the prayer room.

Unbeknownst to me the pastor was coming back there to talk to my friend. So I sit down about half a seat away from her because I don't want to touch her AT ALL because every time I had that night I literally could feel what she felt. So she starts spilling to the pastor and is as calm as can be. MY waterworks, on the other hand, sprung forth like an out of control leaky faucet. My two friends that had been praying for the other friend were trying to calm me, but laughing at me all at the same time because they knew what was going on.

Here's the thing... all that business. Feeling what my friend felt. That was the Holy Spirit. My friend knows that I was hurting for her, but she doesn't quite understand that I actually felt it.

It's funny how I don't like to be touched, but God has brought me on such a wild journey that depending on my relationship with the person I can feel what the feel, and hurt as they hurt in a way that has never ever happened to me before. So now that I'm slowly getting past not liking to be touched... I now am scared to death to touch anyone that I love dearly who may be having a highly emotional moment.

Awesome.

God picked a heck of a week to mess with me, but it was an amazing week... no matter how difficult it was too. I had joy, and still have it. I love my life, and know God has led me here for a purpose.

So blessed.

Walls

I clearly have walls built up. My best friends know it. Those I barely know are aware of it. My family I'm sure is aware of it. These past 4 months I've slowly tried to let God chip away at that wall. I can't even worship freely because I feel so... bound. If I give it all to Him, and I get hurt than I've given way too much. I know He won't hurt me though, and that's why I'm trying so stinkin' hard to let my walls down. To just give it over, and quit holding back. So today...

A lady spoke. Another lady translated. Walls. Break 'em down. Once again... God might as well have had them tack on my full name, date of birth, and SSN to that because it was me dead on. My prayer when I got home was, "break down the walls sweet Jesus". You wanna talk about instant issue request granted? Holy moly did it ever. Sort of.

My dad has been wanting to talk to me for a couple of days. He wanted to have a "deep conversation". Joy. I called yesterday. No answer. My friend from church said maybe it wasn't the right time to talk to him, and that God was protecting me. In my bad attitudeness I was thinking, "yeah whatever. My dad's just flaky." So I called today. No answer. He texts me back and asks to call in 5 minutes. An HOUR AND A HALF later I text him telling him it's been more than 5 minutes. He asks if he can call in 20. Yeah okay whatever fine. So he calls. He was wanting to discuss the "call" to ministry. Wanted to know how things have changed recently in my life regarding that, and a bunch of other stuff. I told him honest to goodness I couldn't explain it to even my best friends. He said his prayer is that eventually I'll be able to share with him. Bleck. I was still having a semi-tude at this point in the conversation, and all I could think was, "not happenin' mister". Too much hurt. So we continue to talk and I explain best I can about this whole transition. I said that my experience isn't going to be everyone's. God grabbing hold of me has manifested in a lot of different things... one in particular... getting rid of stuff. I have got an acute awareness of things just being material so I'm cleaning my house out. I changed my standards for a lot of other things too including what I watch and read. He asked who all had ministered to me the past 4 months. I told him several, but there's only been one that truly has impacted me in an irreversible way and that's Mrs Cindy. He asked why and I told him because she lets me go at my own pace. Never pushes me. She's my "protector". She knows I don't like to be touched really so she watches out for me if I go to pray. It was weird explaining it, but I did the best I could. So the conversation continues and then the wind got knocked out of me by his next question...

"How angry are you?" and in my head I thought, "I'm sorry, WHAT?!" Not in an angry way... more of a my brain went frantic with that ever so personal question. I had to play dumb just to get my bearings. Complete silence came from my end of the phone. So to stall I asked him, "concerning what?". Him- "About me and your mom divorcing." Still stalling, "like on a scale of 1 to 10?" I eventually told him it depended on the day, but most of the time I wasn't that angry. His next words seriously knocked me for a loop. "Well I want to apologize because I know it's my fault for you being the way you are." Huh?? That's right. For the first time ever my father admitted the divorce was his fault. He said he knew that me not liking to really be touched is his fault. It's all his fault. And then... he asked for my forgiveness. Now you know how it is when someone asks for forgiveness. You say, "oh yeah I forgive. Blah blah blah." Well... I didn't. For once in my life I was honest with him, and said, "I'm working on it." It's not mean. It's factual. And he said that it was all he could ask.

Apparently that short little prayer I shot heavenly a few hours before was a direct message cause it got answered. I feel like a big chip just fell out of my wall. Is it going to take time? Yes. But I know I can't honestly tell him right now I forgive him. Soon probably. But not today.

That God... He knocks me off my feet all the time.

A Difference A Year Makes

Yesterday was R-O-U-G-H! I went to church last night. Typical good mood. Then during worship I felt so stinkin' attacked by the enemy. The "whys", and "what ifs", and "your nots" and all the other insecurities crept in. Then someone jokingly said something, but technically overstepped their boundaries in the process. It was all over then. I was frustrated, upset, and quite frankly pissed off. I just wanted to know when it was going to be my turn to worship freely. To give my all to the God that gave me His all. That's taken every single zig zagged step I've taken. That even though I kept running away, He was there with open arms when I came falling and torn back to His arms. I basically had a big tantrum from last night until this afternoon. I was in tears for longer than I care to think about. No one anyone said made me feel better. I was riding that line of wanting to talk to Mrs. Cindy and get advice, and wanting people to just leave me alone and forget about me because this whole process gets hard then just when I think I can catch my breath I feel attacked again. Mrs. Cindy said to me, "if you look back over the last 3 months and write down every spiritual accomplishment you had compared to the defeats they would far outweigh the bad." There was a whole lot of other conversation besides that, but that hit me. Yet I didn't want to look back. Then this afternoon I flipped open my group of friends Bible study book we did last summer. That I led. How I led it in the place I was in and we didn't come out worse I don't know, but here is what it said... [all the rest of this is in a Facebook note... which I NEVER write a personal note like that on FB. Too personal for the most impersonal social networking site EVER. Not to mention... everyone can see it. Few people I know, know about this blog. And I like it that way.] Anyways... here's what I wrote.

"Do you presently have a yearning for the presence of God? I'm not talking about guilty feelings or even conviction of sin when He's not your priority. I'm referring to a yearning for God that draws you over and over into His presence. A yearning that makes only a few days without time in prayer and His Word seem like an eternity"- Beth Moore 'Breaking Free'

Next to that paragraph, a year ago, I wrote "no". Today it's a very loud yes. A few days without and I'm feeling under attack like no other. My mood shifts, and it's like my world is crumbling. Just 4 short months ago I probably would have said "no" still. It's amazing to me how God has, and continues to, move in my life. It isn't without hard days. However, it is good. And there is JOY in my life that I don't think has ever been there in this magnitude. There are people that have God has put in my path to get me to this place, and for that I am so grateful. God got a hold of me, and I didn't even know I needed to be grabbed. He's capture my heart on a whole new level, and often times left me speechless. He's made me realize this is a journey. Not a race. I'm so thankful He knows what we need when we don't, and meets us where we're at. So blessed.

conversations

These past three weeks. Goodness. This post took me 3 days to write. Yes. Three. So if you're brave enough to read it more power to you. Let's start at the beginning...

So three weeks ago yesterday [it was a Sunday... just go with it]. I was at church, which is basically where I live these days, and that night the sermon was on Faith. I was at a point at feeling extremely alone in this journey I've been on the past few months. I loved my little "Faith World", and but was desperate to share it with those in my "real world". I went to the altar that night and just cried. I've never cried over legitimately feeling alone. But I was there that night. I left that service knowing one thing... it was time to tell those at FBC that I wasn't coming back. I felt like God was whispering to my heart that I wasn't just keeping a simple "secret" by not telling anyone about my church change. I was ultimately hiding Him. I was keeping secret all that He had been doing for me. Why should I be afraid to show my joy? The joy that He had brought me the past 3 months. That would be reality check numero uno. [Never fear... He spiritually checked me a couple of more times just this past week. Ouch]. Anyways... I got in touch with the ones I needed to tell face to face, and planned it for that Wednesday.

Well that same day I was going to talk to these dear ones [I was a nervous wreck by the way], and one of my best friends emailed me at work. We started emailing back and forth, and she eventually asked if I would mind if she came to church that night just to see what it was about because she wanted that hunger that'd got ahold of me. I was pumped because one of my friends was going to come to church for once. Just once, right? Well I went and talked to my FBCers. They went better than I could have imagined, but were still hard.

So my friend came to church. I was super nervous just because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with anything. Much to my surprise... she LOVED it. And I finally had someone in my "real world" that got it. Then I panicked. I realized that I was in a spot where I was still needing help being walked on this journey, yet all of a sudden I had this person I was having to walk with too... and explain things that even I was unsure of. I felt pressure like none other. Anyways.. Shelbi came back that Sunday night. That also happened to be the night [July 31st] that a woman named Charity who I had just met the day before spoke out a message that God might as well have tagged my name onto the front of message. It was like a direct hit. Thorns in the heart affecting my relationship with God? Indeed. It was so intensely powerful I had to sit down... and then me and Mrs. Cindy started laughing because it was just so bizarre how direct it was. Needless to say I ended up in the "prayer line" that night, and Shelbi ended up coming to pray over me with everyone else. That's where the guard went up. I was so aware of her being there that it caused a complete loss of focus. I eventually, after almost a week of feeling guilty, realized that this church thing wasn't about whether Shelbi was next to me. It wasn't "Shelbi & Megan worship time". My time at church was just that... my time with God. Me and Him. Period. That would be spiritual reality check dos.

So I go through this past week feeling just kind of "whatever". Well I had a friend that wasn't sure she was going to be able to come back to school in August because of money, and by "wasn't sure" I mean wasn't. At all. I was devastated because we have kind of helped each other stay up in this program. We were each other's sounding board. So Monday I told her that I just couldn't believe that God would close this door when He had opened so many for her to be there in the first place. I said I was going to pray about it, and she WOULD be in school. Next day I get a call, and she informed me there had been a mistake with her aid... she WAS going to be back. I was so stinkin' thrilled. Well on the way back from something at church that night I very clearly heard God ask me, "Why are you so able to believe I'll provide for other's needs, yet you don't even have faith like a mustard seed that I'll provide for YOU?" Um.. ouch? Spiritual reality check THREE!

The next day at church is our "Encounter" service. It's just Wednesday, but I love it. Well I just kind of meandered through service, and then it hit me. It was time. Time to talk about the ONE thing I never share. That the times I have shared it's bit me in the butt. However, it was clear that it was time. Here's the deal... 2 days before at Bible study I was asked afterwards to consider leading Bible study the next Monday [today]. I new I had to. I felt it. But Wednesday night I knew I couldn't until I came clean. So I met Mrs. Cindy Thursday. Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that a conversation had the potential to change your relationship with that person forever, but you knew it had to happen. Welcome to where I was a week ago. Funny thing about that conversation… if anything it made us closer. And it was the first time I’ve talked about everything, and NOT cried. I know God has brought me to a place of realizing that those situations don’t define me anymore, ya know? So it was just a precious time to me with Mrs. Cindy. What started as a quick conversation in my head turned into us talking for an hour and a half. Just me and her in the big sanctuary chatting. Loved that moment.

Saturday I went to a friend’s little girls 2 year old birthday party… which is huge considering that little girl is a big part of what made me decide to go back to nursing school since she spent the first 5 weeks of life in Children’s. Afterwards I went out to see a friend from church for a “couple of hours”… yeah we talked from 8:30 until 3:30 in the morning NON-STOP! It was a neat conversation though being able to discuss church, and the whole Shelbi situation, and just life in general.

By the time Sunday rolled around not only was I tired from the late night conversation the night before, but I was stressed out about what God wanted me to speak about at Bible study. I really felt like I needed to talk about insecurity, but I just couldn’t figure out what or where to start. That night at church I was sitting on the front row [which I flip flop between that row with Mrs. Cindy or the row behind that one to sit with two other friends… just keeping things interesting. Haha!] Anyways, I went into church in a bad mood that night… like almost didn’t go because I was so pissy. Glad I did though. J It was an incredible night of worship, and when the pastor gave the altar call I didn’t feel like I needed to respond, but he encouraged everyone who didn’t feel like the needed to respond to at least fill the altar and pray for those who had. Well I just came off the pew and sat in the floor. I’ve worshiped before, but I feel like that night I really started to WORSHIP. It wasn’t without fight though. I sat there at first in tears because I honestly wasn’t sure I could keep on this journey. It’s hard, and most of the time I feel like I just don’t get it. However, just when I was thinking “I’m done”… and basically throwing a tantrum, the worship band started playing Revelation Song by Kari Jobe. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER! And something happened… I just raised my hand, continued praying, and worshiped the One of had brought me to this place. About that time Mrs. Cindy came and sat down and started praying for me. I didn’t know it was her because I looked up… it was one of those things where I just knew it was her because I felt her presence, and by no means do I mean that as equal to feeling God’s presence. I just mean I know her well enough to know when she’s near me. She’s what I refer to as my “church momma”. So immediately she starts whispering a prayer over me, which I can’t hear because altar call got a LOT loud that night, and I literally started sobbing. One of THOSE moments. I look up and she just kind of wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close. Let me just say… I don’t like to be loved on… and I don’t even let my own mother love on me the way Mrs. Cindy does. BUT the next words out of Mrs. Cindy’s mouth were, “isn’t it funny how God has allowed you to let me love you?” Yes. Funny indeed. Because honestly… it’s not normal for me to let someone get as close to me as Mrs. Cindy has. Even my closest friends aren’t ever that close to me because I won’t let them. I told her that I was feeling completely inadequate about leading study on Monday. That I knew He might wait until 10 minutes prior to tell me what I needed to do, but I still didn’t understand why He would choose someone like me, who was needing to be spiritually spoon fed right now, to lead. Then I was quickly reminded that He can use anyone.

Monday rolls around, and I had the longest and best conversation with a friend… I’m talking we talked for over 6 hours. It helped that we were working right next to each other that day. J but that night I went to Bible study, and it got about 5 minutes AFTER we were suppose to start, and no one but Mrs. Cindy had showed. I honestly had the nerve to believe God had answered my prayer for no one to show up. Dumb, right? Well eventually 4 people rolled in including a Carrie for moral support. So I start stuttering and stammering over insecurity, and I realized it wasn’t right. He didn’t necessarily want me talking about that. He wanted me tell my story about me coming to that church. So off I went, and boy did He bless it. It was so amazing and comforting to me to know that even the women who were born and raised in a Pentecostal church felt the way I did sometimes. We still talked about insecurity a little bit, but ultimately God used that time to teach me and everyone else that we all didn’t understand, completely, the things that happen sometimes, and how God moves. And this lady named Dora, who prayed at me at Awaken, and I think is pretty awesome said, “I don’t think I would want to serve a god I can understand.” Amen.

Then last night of all things at CR for the women to talk about in group… insecurity. Talk about God’s confirmation. So if you’ve made it through this entire post… congrats. I just need to document this stuff, and it’s faster for me to type than write because my brain moves at breaking the sound barrier pace sometimes. Ha!

This road I’m on, that we [especially as Believers] are all on, is a journey. Not a race. We don’t get to a spot and stay, at least we shouldn’t. We grow. We may stay there for a season or more, and then keep going. This is a journey I’m SUCH a fan of though.

where the Spirit of the Lord is...

There is freedom.

Freedom is something I haven't quite managed to wrap my head around just yet. Freedom from the chains that held me back for so long. Freedom to let go, and trust God with everything. Every hurt, question, growing pain, need, want, fear, insecurity... just to be free.

It's hard to process these last few months. They have been some of the hardest, but most joyful months of my life. I'm in program that I know God placed me in for a purpose. Multiple purposes. It's so hard for me to process everything. I can't even put it into writing most of the time, and that's the number one way I can express without getting my words all flip flopped. I was told that maybe God didn't intend for me to figure it out... He just wants me to let go, and trust Him. Let go. That is not easy. I like to be in control, and I know I can't be when it comes to my relationship with God. And let's be honest... He's a lot better at working me through the hard times than if I try to on my own.

Tonight I felt God speak so clearly to me. I've got "thorns" in my heart from the hurt that I need to remove... correction... I need to let HIM remove.

Okay... I'm clearly not doing a fantastic job at putting this all into words. At some point I'd really like to write down this whole journey... of course... I'll be writing for the rest of my life because a relationship with God isn't a race. It's not about getting to that key point, and stopping. It's a journey. :)

craziest 5 weeks ever...

This has been the best and oddest last 5 or so weeks of my life. I'm on the most fantastic spiritual journey that I've ever experienced which has also rendered it the hardest. I'm having to face head on some things that quite frankly I don't care to face. I'd rather stuff them in my back pocket, and ignore them. Between my mental health class and me going to church every single opportunity I've had... my head is about to explode. God is just blowing my mind.

I've gone from reckless in everything I was doing to someone who is so cautious about what I'm watching and listening to. Literal guilt if I listen to songs I know are inappropriate [even if they ARE catchy...] It's crazy how God works when you really, truly desire it. I was so negative just a month ago... now I have new found hope and positivity. Everything can be put in perspective for me no matter the situation. I don't anger as quickly. I've quit cussing [minus the occasional slip]. My attitude is better. Road rage has been cut in more then half. I think my roomie doesn't know what to do with me... I'm just not who I was just a short time ago.

Clinical this week was incredible. I had med check-offs, and that went smashingly! There's like a chain reaction in school of God using people. He used Smith [an instructor] to reach me, and then yesterday used me to encourage another instructor with The Word... who then shared it with the whole class at post-conference [which is time for the instructors to debrief us about the day so we don't carry all our emotions home with us]. I just couldn't help but crack up at God's way of working. You see... just at my LAST med check-off that was in a classroom setting... you know... those two weeks I was a total mess and cried one day for 4 hours? Yeah... those! Smith said something to me after I didn't do so hot on one of my check-offs. She told me not to cry and then said, "you can either take this and let it eat you up, or you can take it and learn from it." THEN just a week or so ago I was reading my Beth Moore study, and it said, "you can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable." I'm fairly certain Beth Moore stole it from Smith. :) Anyway... when Smith told me that I've gotta be honest... it absolutely made me mad. And kind of broke my heart. However, the only reason it did both of those things is because I knew she was right. Well... that statement that made me so livid and upset... I made a decision about the time I changed churches that I was going to become unstoppable. I was so sick of being controlled by fear and insecurity. Now is it an everyday battle? Duh! BUT, I know Who has my security. I know Who protects me from my fears. With taking that statement and running with it... my med check-offs went 10x better than I could have ever expected.

Like I said... it's been a crazy few weeks. And this isn't even going into vivid detail. I love what I'm doing now. Nursing school is awesome. I love every single day. Some more than others. Some days I'm so exhausted I can't function. Other days I'm just so pumped about life I can't see straight. All days, though, I know it is exactly where I'm suppose to be. I don't think someone could pay me to quit. It's just... it's just perfect. Not to mention I truly believe that God placed me in nursing school for multiple purposes... one was to meet Smith. If it weren't for school I wouldn't have started the journey out of the hole I was in. If I hadn't found out about the event at Smith's church I'd still be spending every Sunday sleeping in. Every day not getting into The Word or praying. I have some awesome advocates/prayer warriors on my side at this new church I'm going to [including Smith]. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the change. But I'm learning change is good... and that isn't easy for me to say. God is just working in me in some crazy ways. I know I keep saying it, but I am not the same Megan. That is such a good thing. I feel like I don't have to fake things anymore. God has given me such a burden for people again. He's given me a desire to search for Him again. To seek Him fully.

All I have to say is this... God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good.

April 29th, 2011

that is a day that unbeknownst to me would start the wheels turning on what is working itself into an epic change in my life. i knew God put me at nursing school for a reason. i just thought it was to just help others by using my ministry degree. i had no idea He was going to use an instructor to change me.

tonight i felt the Holy Spirit move in my life like i haven't felt... well... ever. not like i did tonight anyway. it was comforting. i'm so overwhelmed by it i can't even focus to do homework or study. i'm tired, but wide awake. my head is absolutely spinning. i have joy, yet heartache. i am so blessed by the events over the past 4 weeks. there is no fear where peace is, and i am working toward that peace. i haven't felt peace in a really REALLY long time. i miss the inhibition that i had when i was younger. to worship my Savior like it was just me and Him. no one around. i'm running back Father.

i will never be the same person i was before i walked in those double doors on April 29th. never.

my God moves in mysterious ways. so thankful for His faithfulness even when i'm a prodigal.

to study or not to study?

this is a question i've had to start asking myself ALL THE TIME!!! i barely study and i make a high C or low B. i study my tail off, and barely pass. i don't study at all, like i did last night, and make an A. an A!! what the heck is up with that? and i didn't even take my A.D.D. medicine this morning before the test. it's like my own personal phenomenon.

it's been a good week ultimately. i started getting frustrated with my grades being so inconsistent even though i'm studying. so what did i do? i marched myself into my instructor's office to ask what i could do different. i told her it was kind of scary to me that people who had been making A's and B's were now making B's and C's so for someone who was already making B's, but mostly C's that didn't leave a lot of leeway, and that scared the MESS out of me. the kicker? she said keep up what i was doing. even bigger kicker? she said i've actually improved since last semester. [insert completely dumbfounded face here] see i'm still making B's and C's. which means i'm staying consistent compared to the other students who's grades are dropping. talk about perspective. so that made me a whole heck-of-a-lot better.

today i dropped some stuff off in her office when she wasn't in there, but the "director" guy of the program was in his office, which connects to my instructor's. i've known him since i was probably 10 at LEAST, was friends with, and graduated with his daughter. he asked how the program was going, and i basically shared the whole, "well i had a rough time with med check-offs just being stressed out, but there hasn't been a day where i didn't love being in this program. it's hard, but i didn't expect it to be easy. i only started having a rough time when i forgot why i was in this program, and who i was doing this program for. i really do love it though, even wiping a tush. i've done a lot of stuff in this program the past 5 months that i never thought i would or could do, but i wouldn't change any of it." he followed that with, "i think i'm going to have you talk to the new class when they get here in August. we need more guys and galls with your attitude, and passion for this." in my head i was like, "i'm sorry, what?!" but i told him definitely would. what an opportunity! and what a testimony to how others see me. i don't mean a testimony to the new class like, "oh look at me." i'm just talking about personally such a testimony to how God can work and open doors... even if that door is sending me out of my comfort zone since i'm totally insecure in front of people. still... amazing.

so i peace it out with this... i'm doing a Beth Moore study [who i think is BRILLIANT] called So Long Insecurity. story of my life. i found a sentence that made me laugh, but only because Smith has said this to me a couple of times. it's so true though, and i'm working on doing the latter with my insecurities...

"You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable."-Beth Moore/ Smith [not as eloquently]

truth.

contradictory feelings

so this whole new church/trying to find myself again/growing business is H-A-R-D! i'm happy, yet totally wrecked at the same time.

i know i'm totally holding back while at church. i'm not worshipping like i should. i use to be completely uninhibited. now i can't even raise my hands.

it's refreshing to be at a church where it's not formal, but i don't feel like i'm at church camp every time i go to church. it's right in the middle. i feel challenged every time i leave, but i feel so at peace too. peace, but being wrecked. how does that work? i guess it's more conviction and contemplation of what i've done.

learning a new church denomination is interesting too. however, it makes me realize more and more that it's not where you worship. it's Who. i have been shoved out of my comfort zone just walking in the doors of this church. merely because i am so intimidated by people. and what makes me angry is that i don't remember when i started being that way. it's definitely been eye opening. especially since my instructor gave me a book on the Holy Spirit. i don't think i've ever used my Christian Studies major as much as i have since i started this church journey.

it's definitely interesting. if i can just get past the guilt of not going to my home church that i've loved so much the past 10 years.

the point is this... i have had an intense desire to know Him more lately. to make Him my #1. i welcome the change, but it also scares me to death to.

i do know this, "When you encounter Jesus, you cannot remain unchanged."

8/

That's how I feel. 8/ shell shocked. This week has been a doozie with school. It hasn't been bad, but it's intercession which means fast and furious.

And then insecurity stuck its stupid face back in my picture after a couple of peaceful weeks.

Fan-freaking-tastic

funny thing

about the whole late night blogging... i don't remember writing ANY of that last post. wow. tired much? yes. yes i am.

this is gonna be short and sweet.

i went to a new church this morning. it was refreshing. and challenging.

they asked a question that really got me thinking...
would i rather die than live without Him?

and i thought about it, and... i hate to say this... but i wasn't sure. i mean i say i would. but there was definitely a time in my life where a part of me didn't care. a very recent time. the big question is did i get out of that completely, and i'm not quite... sure.

ouch. reality check much? indeed.

fighter

late night blogging is not my forte. and to make matters worse... my recently prescribed A.D.D. medicine, which has worked wonders in the classroom setting, makes me completely worthless creatively. apparently this is not uncommon with us A.D.D. people.

i'm going to a real service tomorrow at the church i went to the mini conference thing at. i'm nervous. excited, but still nervous. i don't like change. it pushes me out of my comfort zone, and makes me crazy insecure. me and change... we're not the best of friends. however, a week ago i felt something that i hadn't felt in a long time, if ever. i felt genuine worship, and admiration of our God. it kind of scares me to actively pursue this new church aspect of my life, but i think it scares me because i know i'm in for a dramatic change. this week has been a weird one of me sifting little by little through the things in my life i'm not happy about. whether it's been me deleting iPhone apps that may be funny, but that i would totally embarrassed if my grandpa saw it. all the way to breaking myself from cussing. it had turned into a terrible habit, and i wasn't a fan. i'm also trying to work on some anger issues that bare their ugly head, mainly, when i'm driving. it's been a progressive week, but i know it's going to take time. the point is that i felt something deep within me get sparked to change a week ago, and i'm in it for the long haul this time. i'm tired of fighting.

i may add more to this tomorrow, but...

my brain can't keep up with my fingers this late. yes... late to me is 10:30. don't judge. i'm barely able to keep my eyes open as i type this thing with what i can only assume will have ridiculous grammatical errors.

make a change

here's the deal... Friday. it was a big deal. i will never be the same person i was when i first walked in those two sets of double doors. and when i walked out i knew there were some things i needed to change. so i started cleaning out my closet. by NO means am i perfect. but i have no intentions of going any deeper in the hole i had dug myself into. therefore when my friends that were there want to make a change, and when i try and inquire about how they are, and if they want to go to church with me on Sunday and they shuffle around the answer... it kind of irritates me. this life is not about whether you're going to make someone mad. it's about your relationship with God. and i just kind of came to that realization recently. it's not worth it. i'm clearly not eloquent about this. i'm just frustrated. but i guess i'm kind of preaching at myself because i shouldn't care that they don't act like they want to change as bad i want to... i'm just focused on me, right?

i shouldn't blog when i'm tired.

tired

i'm fairly sure God is dealing with me in a major way, and i'm totally okay with it. however i'm walking the line of either being exhausted or not being able to sleep at night when it comes time for me to go to bed.

this was something that was said/read at Awaken on Friday night. i should probably read this every single day for the rest of my life.
AWAKEN III- WORD OF PROPHECY: APRIL 29TH, 2011
Some of you have struggled in the darkest moments, the darkest recesses of your life says the Lord. But harken your ears to me this day, for I am bringing you out of a time of desperation. Hear my voice, today. Hear me call to you. I am behind the door waiting for you to open it. Come to me says God. I want to love on you. I want to take you places you have never been before in me. I want to loose you of the things that have bound you for years, Oh the things that you have hidden in your heart from others I see them says the Lord. If you will give them to me tonight I will take them and I will dissolve them and you will see them no longer. I will take you to places you have never been in me. I will raise you up to be a mighty woman of God, a mighty warrior, one to go into cities and defeat the enemy in my name. O’ Listen to me today; don’t walk from me; don’t turn from me. Hear my words as I speak to your heart today. Hear my words.

You’ve been in a tomb for to long. I’ve called you forth many times. Many times in your life I have called you forth and you’ve heard my voice but you chose to stay in your comfort area. He says come forth today. When you come forth from that tomb, I will loose you of the grave clothes and the death that has hovered over you. Come forth today woman of God and I will free you. You must crucify yourself so that I may live within you, so that I may rise up within you. For resurrection cannot occur until a crucifixion has happened. Come forth from your tomb that you have stayed in. For the things you have dealt with, from the depression, from the hidden secrets, from all the anger you have hid in your heart, from the hurt that has came to you from others, you must give it to me to be free in me.
HEAR THE ROAR OF THE LION!
HEAR THE ROAR OF THE LION OF JUDAH!

Awaken

Friday
Oh man. I'm going to attempt to put the events of Friday night in writing. I don't know if I can so if you've read to this point congrats, and just bare with me.

I've grown up in Baptist churches. Now if you ask me what religion I am I'll tell you I'm a Christian because that's the ONLY thing that matters. However, if you ask my denomination I'll tell you Baptist, and NOT go into which branch because quite frankly all this denomination stuff makes me mad half the time.

Friday night I went to an event called Awaken. It was at one of my nursing instructors churches where she is the women's minister. It was the third one of these events, and I knew my instructor was speaking. Well she is a phenomenal woman [remember the letter to Smith? that's her.] Well she goes to a very... what's the word... EXUBERANT assembly of God church. She warned me of it, and said I was welcome to come she just didn't want to make me uncomfortable. She clearly knows my personality... I'm a quiet, rarely lift my hands to praise, don't dare move, Baptist girl. I was quite opposite at church camp, but it the grand scheme of things I'm a wallflower/socially retarded girl that just wants to stand out without being noticed. Yup... you read that right. :)

So I invited two of my other very dear friends Nikki and Christine. Nikki is like me. Christine is use to the excitable nature of A of God events because she grew up around it. I was very much aware that there was a 100% chance I was going to hear speaking in tongues for the first time, and quite frankly I was a little nervous. I know I'm an adult, legally, but I wasn't sure how I was going to take that in. Nik was in the same boat. We got the event, and just kind of hung in the middle of things. Worship started. It was a little crazy with jumping/dancing and hand raising, but I was totally digging it. I wasn't doing any of that, but I was into it. I missed that passion I use to have. There were two speakers that shared little blurbs about what God had done for them at previous Awaken events, and each one I felt like they were talking to me. By the time we got to the quiet worship song all 3 of us were in tears. I just had to close my eyes and be still.

Then it happened. The speaking in tongues. Right in the middle of worship, and everything and everyone stopped. It sounded like Hebrew maybe, and I've got to say... it was seriously one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Then it subsided, and worship continued. [my stomach is in knots just trying to explain all this by recounting it...] So we continued to worship, and the tears kept falling one by one, but not the ugly cry [thank goodness, but it was coming... believe me]. So Smith gets up there, and asks all the women [if they're comfortable] to come towards the front of the sanctuary. I led the 3 of us out, but we were still in the back of the group. Christine kind of moved in front of me, and then Nik stood behind me. Then the BIG worship started. And out of no where someone comes and gets Christine, and starts putting hands on her, and praying in words I can understand and praying in words I can't. I was broken for her. I was broken for me. And I just cried. I felt a hand on my back and it was Smith's mom. She prayed for me and Nik. Then the lady that took Christine came and asked if that was our friend, and we said yes and followed her to where are precious friend was. She was sobbing. We each grabbed a hand and just stood there. I'd spent the majority of this time crying, head down, eyes closed. Then someone took Nikki. Then the inevitable... I was led a few feet away too. For those of you who know me [Aleasa] I don't like to be touched. Particularly in my stomach. Well apparently that's a favorite area to lay hands, and let me tell ya one woman [who I have NO idea what she was wearing or looked like] was behind me the majority of this experience and there was close proximity... it's funny now because in real life I probably would have tripped out a little. Anyways!!

So I'm standing there. Basically weeping. And this woman has me from behind, and I can feel her hands trembling as she prays in this foreign tongue, and I just cried. Then another woman, who's identity I DO know, came in front of me, and grabbed my hand, and then put her hand on top of mine which happened to be a barrier between her and my stomach. Well she was praying in words I did understand. She was praying for specific things for me that she had no way of knowing. Things that my friends barely know. Things that you people know. Fear. Insecurity. Freedom from what binds me. I was to ugly cry by that point. I'm talking snot, red faced, tears streaming, ugly cry. She gets done, and walks away. Then this other lady came up. We'll call her "scarf lady" cause that's the only thing I remember about her. She came up, and prayed over some of the same things, but she kept saying over and over to me, "You don't have to look down. God wants you to look up at Him. You don't need to look down anymore. Jesus wrap her in Your arms. Let her feel Your arms tonight when she lays down in her bed" Holy cow. I was a mess. I lifted my head, and she just said, "there." Like... that's what He wanted me to get you to do. Then it was kind of over. I opened my very wet eyes, and she just smiled and said, "it's gonna be okay."

I have NO idea the time lapse during this time of much touching. To be honest... I was semi-resisting a Benny Hinn experience of someone putting their hand on me and me hitting the ground... Every time someone new came to pray I kept shifting my weight. Partly because I was tensed up, and locking my knees. That is bad news. However, it didn't matter.

When I looked up at the lady, Christine was right there, and we just grabbed each other and cried. Cried because we are both so broken in two extremely different ways. We walked back to our pew, and we all three just kind of put our hand on one another and sat. Weary. Contemplative. Relieved. Peaceful. We were kind of shell shocked I guess.

As we're sitting there just being still Smith walks up the pew in front of us, gets on her knees facing me and says, "come here" with her arms opened. I scooted forward and we embraced and I just laid my head on her shoulder and wept again. That broken "I don't know how I got here" cry. And she just loved on me. She prayed for me, and let me cry. I leaned back, and she kissed my forehead, and said she loved me. She worked her way to Christine and Nik to for a split second, and then we were left to process again.

Nik had to go so I walked her out to her car, and we just cried together again. We all 3 needed last night in a fierce way. I went back in for a few minutes, and then it was over. Smith never really spoke, but she spoke volumes to me.

All that to say this...

I've done a lot of stuff in my life I'm not proud of. I stay pretty lock and key over all my indiscretions especially on here. I can count on one hand the people that know my deepest, darkest secret, and unfortunately it seems like it kind of affected our relationship. Therefore, I've stayed tightlipped over it. None of my friends know. Zero. It's something I'm extremely embarrassed about. I begged for accountability from the people who know, and got nothing. I guess if it weren't still something I dealt with I could talk about it freely. However, since the struggle still looms almost every single day it's hard. The fact is... I can't get over it because I won't let myself. I beat myself up for it every single day. It got so bad recently that I've even dreamed about it, and wake up with the most painful guilt. I just need someone to care enough to ask, "have you struggled lately?" "what can I pray for you about?", and I kind of feel like God put Smith there for that reason. I'm going to talk to her more this week before our 3 day break.

The truth is I'm still trying to wrap my head around the events that happened last night. I was taught my entire life that speaking in tongues was wrong, but I don't think it is. You can't make that stuff up. It was is real, and it was incredible. All 3 of us were prayed over for specific things that these women had no way of knowing except a direct message from God. Call me crazy, but that changes a person. Also, to worship with an instructor in the way I did last night... absolutely amazing. It was awesome to see her in her real element. She loves nursing, but she does it just to pay the bills. What happened last night is where her heart is at, and I got to catch a glimpse of that.

I got shoved out of my comfort zone, but it was the best push I've ever had in my life. I will never ever be the same after last night. I've got to make changes, and they've already been turned into motion.

goodbyes and disaster relief

What. A. Week. This is a 3 day span post [but since it turned into an epicly long post I moved the 3rd day to a different post. You're welcome]... I meant to post each day, but due to life, it was kind of impossible to find time. So here I am. Late at night. Attempting to corral my thoughts.

Wednesday
I suck at goodbyes. And by suck... it's not that I can't say it. I just don't like to. It's like I'm leaving a little piece of my heart with every person I have to say bye to for a significant amount of time. Someone I'm close to/have grown to care a lot about. Well Wednesday was the last day at the nursing home for clinical time. It was suppose to be Thursday, but due to a series of events [which I'll discuss on the Thursday topic] it was changed extremely last minute to Wednesday. By last minute I mean that at 1 p.m. my instructor told us to start our goodbyes. We had to be back at school by 2 for post conference. LAST MINUTE! I didn't think it was going to be that bad. I had got a little emotional earlier on that morning sitting with a woman who wasn't my patient, but that is an entirely different post that I might cover tomorrow. Maybe.

Anywho, I start making my rounds to different residents. I was on hall 2, but had a res on hall 3 that I kind of took up with. I headed over to tell her bye. She's got severe Alzheimer's so she kind of recognized me, but not much. That goodbye wasn't bad. Headed back over to my hall, and started at one end and just worked my way down. My res's were on the other end so I could do them last. I didn't go into this clinical setting thinking I was only going to spend time with my assigned resident's. I made a point to talk to people if I just saw them sitting in the hall, and it paid off. I made some elderly buddies that I adore!

So I finally made it to my resident's room [they both were in the same room which was fantastic!]. Said bye to Ms. J... not a big deal. She was always either asleep or at therapy or a doctor's appointment when I was there so there wasn't much time to spend with her. Then Ms B. Oh Ms B... this woman was a trip. I was told she was mean. Would cuss me out. She was combative. All this horrible stuff. She wasn't. At least not with me. And I adored her. We had one bad day last week by no fault of her own... so ultimately my time with Ms. B was positive. Her face lit up every time I walked in... especially if I had a male nurse student following me. For 90 years old that woman was still absolutely tee-totally boy crazy. It cracked me up! But I just had this special bond with her. I could do things to her and she wouldn't holler and freak out, but if an actual nurse or CNA did it she went nuts. I figured out early on that it was all in the approach you took with her and explaining what you were doing the whole time. Truth is... she trusted me. She knew, even in her senile state, that I had her best interest in mind. I didn't want her to hurt... especially because of anything I did. BACK TO SUBJECT [can you tell I didn't take my A.D.D. meds today?!].

I went to her bed and pulled the curtain a bit more and looked down at those clear blue eyes and told her it was time for me to go. I told her I had to tell her bye because they had just told us it was our last day. I didn't even get it out of my mouth before Ms. B reacted. And boy did she react. She immediately grabbed my hand with both of hers, and started saying "no" over and over again. With tears in her eyes this completely bedridden woman begged me not to leave her. You wanna talk about something ripping your heart out? That'll do it. She told me I took care of her better than anyone. That I was the best. I held it together. Until another student walked in to tell her bye. Then I lost it. You see Ms. B got to all of the student nurses on my hall. We cared about her. We were protective of her. I was [and still will be] fiercely protective of this woman. So as I'm standing there holding onto her hand while Katlyn held the other, and tears streaming down my face I had to look at her and smile and tell her I'd be back. It wasn't a lie. I plan on visiting. She believed me, but still wanted me to stay. I think she thought it was her fault I was leaving. She told me she loved me. And I love her. Ms. B taught me a LOT about patient care. And labeling people. That whole thing of saying goodbye thought... ripped my heart out. I finally had to tell her I was going to get another student to tell her bye. I did... but I didn't go back. I couldn't do that to her. Cause the thing is... she has dementia. She won't remember what I said. What a day that was. I never dreamt that would go down that way...

Thursday
As everyone knows Vilonia, AR got slammed with tornados on Monday night. Well as a nursing student, each semester we are required to spend a day of school doing community service. I'm totally game for that. So we suggested that for our community service [even though it was already planned to do something else Tuesday, which we are also still doing] that we go to Vilonia for disaster relief. It's on my bucket list to help with disaster relief. I know that may be weird, but I love just getting my hands dirty and helping people. Well it all came together by God's grace! So we met Thursday morning at Vilonia Primary School to sign in. The most devastated part of the town was kind of like the "country club" of Vilonia. And it was pretty bad. People were awesome though. They were so grateful, but really I was the grateful one.

Some people expressed the desire to go to a more "low income" area. Which I understood their reasoning. However, on that day... everyone was equal. It didn't matter whether you had a $300,000 house or if you lived in the back of a metal storage building [and yes... we had both situations]. There was still loss. There was still gratitude for lives that were kept that Monday night. Heartache was equal. What was pretty cool too is that my entire nursing program came together to work. That day instructors weren't better than the students, and the 2nd semester nursing students weren't better then me and my gang of 1st semesters. We were one, and I loved that!

My group was able to work on 3 houses that day just picking up debris and such. Well the last house we went to was the worst out of the entire neighborhood. It was ripped in half by this tornado. When you drove up to the house you could see the inner walls of the living room. The only thing left hanging on that wall was a metal cross. A cross that I actually own. We asked them if they were at the house when it happened, and they told us that they had been in the living room on the couch when it came through. The couch is right next to that cross. THAT is the God I serve. I get chills just thinking about it.

I'm still feeling the achy muscles from that day. But I came home that night some grateful for everything God was blessed me with. I was grateful for my friends and family. My tiny house and noisy/clanky vehicle. I was thankful for electricity and water! Most of all I was grateful for the sunburn on my face and arms. The scrapes and bruises on my arms and legs. The sore muscles and joints that throbbed over my entire body. I'm grateful because we made a difference that day. And that is a day I will never forget. It was hands down my favorite day of nursing school... and I have loved almost every day I've been there.

letter to smith

I've been struggling with a lot lately. I can say it's because of an instructor. I can say it's because of med check-offs. I can make a list a mile long of things I can blame my ridiculously out of control emotions on, but this is what it comes down to. I looked down. So I wrote a letter. To my instructor. It's raw for me. I don't share like this. With anyone. Here it is...

I've really debated whether or not to write this, but I felt like I needed to explain my behavior the past couple of weeks the only way I know how. I know I've been ridiculously emotional, and to be honest what you witnessed wasn't even the half of it.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that i am totally insecure of myself. I can fake confidence to most people who are around me, but when it comes right down to it I don't believe in myself the majority of the time. I use to be able to just roll with it and pretend by putting a "mask" on that everyone around me seemed to take as the actual Megan. I can't anymore...

The truth is I've let self- doubt hold me back from doing a lot of things with my life, and quite frankly I got tired of it. I've mainly just let life happen around me while I sat on the sidelines. I got tired of it and made the decision to follow my passion. I decided to believe in myself. Which is why I even applied for this program, and I've never wanted anything as bad as I wanted this. I jumped in a little timid, but full of confidence that I had this. It was mine and no one else's. I knew who I was doing this for and why. I forgot all that these past two weeks, and I just kind of spiraled out of control.

The thing is... I thrive a lot on words of encouragement from people. It's a major love language of mine... along with acts of kindness. I also base a lot of my self worth on what others think of me. When I start believing someone doesn't really care for me I get all panicky. Spiritually that is my weak spot, and Satan knows he can get me every single time with it.

This self doubt comes from several places. Whether this go around stemmed from my own personal demons that I've brought on myself or whether it's from other people's decisions that have directly impacted me in a huge way... it's absolutely debilitating every time. And you're right... I can either take things and beat myself up or I can learn from them. Depending on my relationship with God at the time effects how I respond.

I took my focus off God, and was putting my value on how others viewed me. That left the door open and me completely vulnerable for Satan to take my fears and blow them up to epic proportions. From experience, that turns me into someone who fights lessons and takes everything that someone says as a direct attack instead of a teaching moment... which I also know you've noticed.

These past few months have not just been a challenge to me academically [even though academics are always a challenge to me]. They have been a major challenge to my faith. It is mind blowing to go from a private Christian university where you know where most of your peers stand with their belief... to a public university. I realized once I got in the program that in no way was I leading an example of my life that reflected in a positive way of my Savior, and what He has done for me. I needed to get my life back on track. It's a constant challenge especially when you're unhappy at the church you attend because there's no place for anyone your age to go... and grow.

I know this is a lot of sharing. It's not easy for me either. I'm a fairly private person even with my family and closest friends. It's just that i felt like I needed to explain my behavior and where I stand right now. Spiritual warfare plus nursing school equals stressful in a big way. I just felt I could come to you because I think a lot of you and because you are so open in your faith.
I desperately want to be bold and confident. Please pray for my attitude that has turn extremely negative, and that I keep my focus on the Cross, and remember who I'm in this program for. I am not here by accident.

I'm giving this to her tomorrow. Talk about a step in being bolder...

what blog?

I have been such a blog slacker. It's not on purpose... it's just this thing called nursing school that has completely consumed my life. I absolutely love it though. This week was ROUGH, but ultimately it's the best decision I've ever made. I'm not a huge fan of the school work just because school has never came easy for me. However, I recently got a huge blessing of finally being diagnosed with A.D.D. It's a blessing because I finally was put on medicine, and my grades jumped from all C's to making A's and B's on all my tests. It's crazy that I struggled with it all this time, and I finally get to a place where my instructor sat me down and said you really need to be tested. She probably saved my nursing career.

So school is good. Clinical time is even better though. 3 weeks ago I would have told you there was no way I could give an old person a bath and change their diaper. That's just a lot of old person to look at. It doesn't bother me at all though. My first day of clinical time I helped change a colostomy bag... and I didn't puke. It's awesome to come home from a stressful, hard day and know that despite how your day felt... you made a difference in someone's life. I don't plan on spending my nursing career at a nursing home. However, it is crazy rewarding. People don't get the care they deserve at all. Just last week I got emotional during a total bed bath because my resident hurt so bad from not being turned like she should. She wasn't mad at me. She trusted me to care for her, but I can't watch her the other 5 days or the week I'm not at clinical.

I've been pretty good at staying positive. I know it's the only way I'm going to make it through this next year of school. This week though... hellish. It all started this past weekend when I got sick. It may be allergies. It may be a respiratory thing I picked up at the nursing home. Regardless... I felt lousy this week even AFTER a visit to the doctor. It didn't help that we have this horrible [but necessary] thing called Med Check-Offs that start Monday. This past week we've hard to look through a bunch of papers that include physician's orders, patient summaries, MAR's, and scheduled med reports. We have to find errors, and get clarification for them from the "doctor" [a.k.a. our instructor]. Tuesday she gave us a deadline for questions for Friday [yesterday], and about two seconds later when uncapping a syringe I stabbed myself with a 22 gauge, 1 /1/2" needle. In my thumb. I am the queen of freak accidents. It hurt. Not terribly bad. BUT it was the straw that broke the camel's back. About 2 minutes later the tears started. Luckily it was lunch time, but I dried it up pretty fast. So I thought. I came back in to study med check-off stuff during lunch. I proceeded to cry during the entire lunch break. My instructor wasn't much help with the ever encouraging words "quit crying Megan". I eventually calmed myself to make it through my afternoon class, but it wasn't a good day. I was ready to quit.

It wasn't bad again until yesterday. I had a "I'm a genius moment" Thursday afternoon thanks to said instructor. The same instructor proceeded to cause me to go into hysterical sobbing Friday for about 3 hours. Here's the thing... call me crazy, but I need encouragement. I'm good at patient care. I'm social. I try to help everyone, and keep all my classmates upbeat. All my other classmates talk about how they always think they've done horrible during a skill, and than one of the instructors will give them a hug and/or say they did a good job. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I get zero encouragement at school. None. I've literally said I feel stupid [not even fishing for a compliment. Legit how I feel sometimes.] and the instructor[s] say nothing. Yesterday was my breaking point. I went into complete hysterics after school. I would be fine, and then I'd start crying. This continued for 3 hours. I figured out why it gets to me... cause it's mainly just this ONE instructor. She's my favorite instructor. PLUS she's a freaking licensed minister! And Women's Minister at her church. Yet she does this to me. I don't even think she realizes she does it, and I'm not even the only one she does it to.

Needless to say it was a rough week... particularly yesterday. I don't even think it would have been so bad if I'd not been sick all week, but still. Rough. I seriously thought I'd lost my mind. There have been theories from others that the instructors may not encourage me because they think I don't need it because I'm always smiling and encouraging others. Secretly I'm dying though. I'm riding the line of wanting to talk to the instructor, but at the same time I don't want to be "that person". I'm just struggling with the validity of my frustrations. Maybe I'm absolutely ridiculous for needing encouragement from my instructors.

Oh well... this week CLEARLY wasn't a week for me to start blogging about nursing school. I'm not too bad though... one bad week and I've been there since January. That's not a bad quota. This week is bound to be better. I'm not going to let them break me. Pray for me people. It's going to be a crazy ride.

Oops

I forgot about the blog. My bad. I've been a little preoccupied.

Monday I started my 4th week of nursing school. The crazy weather that the south has received caused us to miss the first two days of school. Therefore we were behind. So instead of starting off a little busy we started off a LOT busy. To say we hit the ground running is an understatement. The three days I had 4 tests and a quiz. I was a little shell shocked after that first initial day. However, I LOVE IT!!! It is the most time consuming, brain using, hard to grasp thing I have done, and I absolutely love every minute of it. I have a test basically everyday, and I don't even care. It's like this program was made for me. We learn material, and as soon as we're done learning that chapter [and occasionally it's a few chapters at a time] we take a test. Sometimes it's that same class period, but typically it's the next day that we meet. It's the BEST! A lot of people in my class think I'm crazy because I'm so calm about everything. And I realized I am. I'm calm about everything. Hard test? Oh well I've got to take it, and I studied so I should be fine. Failed a test? There's more. No big deal. I think it kind of shocks them.

Here's the thing though... graduating from OBU I was learning material for weeks and weeks, and then I'd take a test over it that 9 out 10 times was an essay test or lots and lots of fill in the blank. These tests are always multiple choice [except for the math portion], and 9 out of 10 times the only fill in the blank we have are from the terms that we know are going to be fill in the blank. Therefore, even though I am by far a top student in my class grade wise, I think the test are pretty simple as long as you pay attention in class, and study the material. I have never been so happy. Some people have tried being a joy kill, but they aren't because I'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. Mostly because I want to do something important with my life and help people, but also partly because I wanted to prove I could do it. I always thought I couldn't do it because I was "bad at math and science", and eventually I was encouraged that it wouldn't be a good choice because of the same reason I was making myself believe. BUT, I'm doing it. And it's great.

The hard part is this... I grew up, and am still in, a very "Christian" town, and graduated from a conservative Christian college. I'm at a state school. Granted it's a branch off campus, but still... do you see where this is going? Let me enlighten you [or no one because I don't know who reads this blog]. I've become a little complacent with my walk with God... and I got use to not having to be bold in my faith. I definitely am not use to having to be an example amongst my peers. Well not anymore. There are about 32 people in my class, and I think 2 people, maybe, are believers. I forgot how hard it is to be the minority in your faith. I have to watch every single thing that comes out of my mouth, and every action I take. It's good for me though. I got in the bad habit of a potty mouth, and this has cleaned it up real quick. I also forgot how immature adults can be. Full fledged adults. We have a few under 21, but most are 25+. They party. They get drunk. They smoke. They sleep around. It has floored me. Out of all those people about 5 of us are childless. And of that 32 only about 5-10 are married. You do the math. I had been praying to God to help make me bolder in my faith... well I got my answer.

Maybe that's one reason I've been so positive. I am not your typical overly positive person. I'm a glass half-full kind of girl, but I'm not the cheerleader type, ya know? The more I've realized my honest to goodness effortless attitude about everything having to do with school though... maybe God gave me this to be a light. Because there is really no other way to explain it. I like it though. Joy makes doing everything a lot easier.

Well this was a long post, and I did it well for it being 6:30 in the morning and I've already been up an hour! I'll try to be more consistent. It's hard when I have a test to study for everyday though. But I'm not complaining... :)