What. A. Week. This is a 3 day span post [but since it turned into an epicly long post I moved the 3rd day to a different post. You're welcome]... I meant to post each day, but due to life, it was kind of impossible to find time. So here I am. Late at night. Attempting to corral my thoughts.
Wednesday
I suck at goodbyes. And by suck... it's not that I can't say it. I just don't like to. It's like I'm leaving a little piece of my heart with every person I have to say bye to for a significant amount of time. Someone I'm close to/have grown to care a lot about. Well Wednesday was the last day at the nursing home for clinical time. It was suppose to be Thursday, but due to a series of events [which I'll discuss on the Thursday topic] it was changed extremely last minute to Wednesday. By last minute I mean that at 1 p.m. my instructor told us to start our goodbyes. We had to be back at school by 2 for post conference. LAST MINUTE! I didn't think it was going to be that bad. I had got a little emotional earlier on that morning sitting with a woman who wasn't my patient, but that is an entirely different post that I might cover tomorrow. Maybe.
Anywho, I start making my rounds to different residents. I was on hall 2, but had a res on hall 3 that I kind of took up with. I headed over to tell her bye. She's got severe Alzheimer's so she kind of recognized me, but not much. That goodbye wasn't bad. Headed back over to my hall, and started at one end and just worked my way down. My res's were on the other end so I could do them last. I didn't go into this clinical setting thinking I was only going to spend time with my assigned resident's. I made a point to talk to people if I just saw them sitting in the hall, and it paid off. I made some elderly buddies that I adore!
So I finally made it to my resident's room [they both were in the same room which was fantastic!]. Said bye to Ms. J... not a big deal. She was always either asleep or at therapy or a doctor's appointment when I was there so there wasn't much time to spend with her. Then Ms B. Oh Ms B... this woman was a trip. I was told she was mean. Would cuss me out. She was combative. All this horrible stuff. She wasn't. At least not with me. And I adored her. We had one bad day last week by no fault of her own... so ultimately my time with Ms. B was positive. Her face lit up every time I walked in... especially if I had a male nurse student following me. For 90 years old that woman was still absolutely tee-totally boy crazy. It cracked me up! But I just had this special bond with her. I could do things to her and she wouldn't holler and freak out, but if an actual nurse or CNA did it she went nuts. I figured out early on that it was all in the approach you took with her and explaining what you were doing the whole time. Truth is... she trusted me. She knew, even in her senile state, that I had her best interest in mind. I didn't want her to hurt... especially because of anything I did. BACK TO SUBJECT [can you tell I didn't take my A.D.D. meds today?!].
I went to her bed and pulled the curtain a bit more and looked down at those clear blue eyes and told her it was time for me to go. I told her I had to tell her bye because they had just told us it was our last day. I didn't even get it out of my mouth before Ms. B reacted. And boy did she react. She immediately grabbed my hand with both of hers, and started saying "no" over and over again. With tears in her eyes this completely bedridden woman begged me not to leave her. You wanna talk about something ripping your heart out? That'll do it. She told me I took care of her better than anyone. That I was the best. I held it together. Until another student walked in to tell her bye. Then I lost it. You see Ms. B got to all of the student nurses on my hall. We cared about her. We were protective of her. I was [and still will be] fiercely protective of this woman. So as I'm standing there holding onto her hand while Katlyn held the other, and tears streaming down my face I had to look at her and smile and tell her I'd be back. It wasn't a lie. I plan on visiting. She believed me, but still wanted me to stay. I think she thought it was her fault I was leaving. She told me she loved me. And I love her. Ms. B taught me a LOT about patient care. And labeling people. That whole thing of saying goodbye thought... ripped my heart out. I finally had to tell her I was going to get another student to tell her bye. I did... but I didn't go back. I couldn't do that to her. Cause the thing is... she has dementia. She won't remember what I said. What a day that was. I never dreamt that would go down that way...
Thursday
As everyone knows Vilonia, AR got slammed with tornados on Monday night. Well as a nursing student, each semester we are required to spend a day of school doing community service. I'm totally game for that. So we suggested that for our community service [even though it was already planned to do something else Tuesday, which we are also still doing] that we go to Vilonia for disaster relief. It's on my bucket list to help with disaster relief. I know that may be weird, but I love just getting my hands dirty and helping people. Well it all came together by God's grace! So we met Thursday morning at Vilonia Primary School to sign in. The most devastated part of the town was kind of like the "country club" of Vilonia. And it was pretty bad. People were awesome though. They were so grateful, but really I was the grateful one.
Some people expressed the desire to go to a more "low income" area. Which I understood their reasoning. However, on that day... everyone was equal. It didn't matter whether you had a $300,000 house or if you lived in the back of a metal storage building [and yes... we had both situations]. There was still loss. There was still gratitude for lives that were kept that Monday night. Heartache was equal. What was pretty cool too is that my entire nursing program came together to work. That day instructors weren't better than the students, and the 2nd semester nursing students weren't better then me and my gang of 1st semesters. We were one, and I loved that!
My group was able to work on 3 houses that day just picking up debris and such. Well the last house we went to was the worst out of the entire neighborhood. It was ripped in half by this tornado. When you drove up to the house you could see the inner walls of the living room. The only thing left hanging on that wall was a metal cross. A cross that I actually own. We asked them if they were at the house when it happened, and they told us that they had been in the living room on the couch when it came through. The couch is right next to that cross. THAT is the God I serve. I get chills just thinking about it.
I'm still feeling the achy muscles from that day. But I came home that night some grateful for everything God was blessed me with. I was grateful for my friends and family. My tiny house and noisy/clanky vehicle. I was thankful for electricity and water! Most of all I was grateful for the sunburn on my face and arms. The scrapes and bruises on my arms and legs. The sore muscles and joints that throbbed over my entire body. I'm grateful because we made a difference that day. And that is a day I will never forget. It was hands down my favorite day of nursing school... and I have loved almost every day I've been there.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
letter to smith
I've been struggling with a lot lately. I can say it's because of an instructor. I can say it's because of med check-offs. I can make a list a mile long of things I can blame my ridiculously out of control emotions on, but this is what it comes down to. I looked down. So I wrote a letter. To my instructor. It's raw for me. I don't share like this. With anyone. Here it is...
I've really debated whether or not to write this, but I felt like I needed to explain my behavior the past couple of weeks the only way I know how. I know I've been ridiculously emotional, and to be honest what you witnessed wasn't even the half of it.
I'm sure you've figured out by now that i am totally insecure of myself. I can fake confidence to most people who are around me, but when it comes right down to it I don't believe in myself the majority of the time. I use to be able to just roll with it and pretend by putting a "mask" on that everyone around me seemed to take as the actual Megan. I can't anymore...
The truth is I've let self- doubt hold me back from doing a lot of things with my life, and quite frankly I got tired of it. I've mainly just let life happen around me while I sat on the sidelines. I got tired of it and made the decision to follow my passion. I decided to believe in myself. Which is why I even applied for this program, and I've never wanted anything as bad as I wanted this. I jumped in a little timid, but full of confidence that I had this. It was mine and no one else's. I knew who I was doing this for and why. I forgot all that these past two weeks, and I just kind of spiraled out of control.
The thing is... I thrive a lot on words of encouragement from people. It's a major love language of mine... along with acts of kindness. I also base a lot of my self worth on what others think of me. When I start believing someone doesn't really care for me I get all panicky. Spiritually that is my weak spot, and Satan knows he can get me every single time with it.
This self doubt comes from several places. Whether this go around stemmed from my own personal demons that I've brought on myself or whether it's from other people's decisions that have directly impacted me in a huge way... it's absolutely debilitating every time. And you're right... I can either take things and beat myself up or I can learn from them. Depending on my relationship with God at the time effects how I respond.
I took my focus off God, and was putting my value on how others viewed me. That left the door open and me completely vulnerable for Satan to take my fears and blow them up to epic proportions. From experience, that turns me into someone who fights lessons and takes everything that someone says as a direct attack instead of a teaching moment... which I also know you've noticed.
These past few months have not just been a challenge to me academically [even though academics are always a challenge to me]. They have been a major challenge to my faith. It is mind blowing to go from a private Christian university where you know where most of your peers stand with their belief... to a public university. I realized once I got in the program that in no way was I leading an example of my life that reflected in a positive way of my Savior, and what He has done for me. I needed to get my life back on track. It's a constant challenge especially when you're unhappy at the church you attend because there's no place for anyone your age to go... and grow.
I know this is a lot of sharing. It's not easy for me either. I'm a fairly private person even with my family and closest friends. It's just that i felt like I needed to explain my behavior and where I stand right now. Spiritual warfare plus nursing school equals stressful in a big way. I just felt I could come to you because I think a lot of you and because you are so open in your faith.
I desperately want to be bold and confident. Please pray for my attitude that has turn extremely negative, and that I keep my focus on the Cross, and remember who I'm in this program for. I am not here by accident.
I'm giving this to her tomorrow. Talk about a step in being bolder...
I've really debated whether or not to write this, but I felt like I needed to explain my behavior the past couple of weeks the only way I know how. I know I've been ridiculously emotional, and to be honest what you witnessed wasn't even the half of it.
I'm sure you've figured out by now that i am totally insecure of myself. I can fake confidence to most people who are around me, but when it comes right down to it I don't believe in myself the majority of the time. I use to be able to just roll with it and pretend by putting a "mask" on that everyone around me seemed to take as the actual Megan. I can't anymore...
The truth is I've let self- doubt hold me back from doing a lot of things with my life, and quite frankly I got tired of it. I've mainly just let life happen around me while I sat on the sidelines. I got tired of it and made the decision to follow my passion. I decided to believe in myself. Which is why I even applied for this program, and I've never wanted anything as bad as I wanted this. I jumped in a little timid, but full of confidence that I had this. It was mine and no one else's. I knew who I was doing this for and why. I forgot all that these past two weeks, and I just kind of spiraled out of control.
The thing is... I thrive a lot on words of encouragement from people. It's a major love language of mine... along with acts of kindness. I also base a lot of my self worth on what others think of me. When I start believing someone doesn't really care for me I get all panicky. Spiritually that is my weak spot, and Satan knows he can get me every single time with it.
This self doubt comes from several places. Whether this go around stemmed from my own personal demons that I've brought on myself or whether it's from other people's decisions that have directly impacted me in a huge way... it's absolutely debilitating every time. And you're right... I can either take things and beat myself up or I can learn from them. Depending on my relationship with God at the time effects how I respond.
I took my focus off God, and was putting my value on how others viewed me. That left the door open and me completely vulnerable for Satan to take my fears and blow them up to epic proportions. From experience, that turns me into someone who fights lessons and takes everything that someone says as a direct attack instead of a teaching moment... which I also know you've noticed.
These past few months have not just been a challenge to me academically [even though academics are always a challenge to me]. They have been a major challenge to my faith. It is mind blowing to go from a private Christian university where you know where most of your peers stand with their belief... to a public university. I realized once I got in the program that in no way was I leading an example of my life that reflected in a positive way of my Savior, and what He has done for me. I needed to get my life back on track. It's a constant challenge especially when you're unhappy at the church you attend because there's no place for anyone your age to go... and grow.
I know this is a lot of sharing. It's not easy for me either. I'm a fairly private person even with my family and closest friends. It's just that i felt like I needed to explain my behavior and where I stand right now. Spiritual warfare plus nursing school equals stressful in a big way. I just felt I could come to you because I think a lot of you and because you are so open in your faith.
I desperately want to be bold and confident. Please pray for my attitude that has turn extremely negative, and that I keep my focus on the Cross, and remember who I'm in this program for. I am not here by accident.
I'm giving this to her tomorrow. Talk about a step in being bolder...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
what blog?
I have been such a blog slacker. It's not on purpose... it's just this thing called nursing school that has completely consumed my life. I absolutely love it though. This week was ROUGH, but ultimately it's the best decision I've ever made. I'm not a huge fan of the school work just because school has never came easy for me. However, I recently got a huge blessing of finally being diagnosed with A.D.D. It's a blessing because I finally was put on medicine, and my grades jumped from all C's to making A's and B's on all my tests. It's crazy that I struggled with it all this time, and I finally get to a place where my instructor sat me down and said you really need to be tested. She probably saved my nursing career.
So school is good. Clinical time is even better though. 3 weeks ago I would have told you there was no way I could give an old person a bath and change their diaper. That's just a lot of old person to look at. It doesn't bother me at all though. My first day of clinical time I helped change a colostomy bag... and I didn't puke. It's awesome to come home from a stressful, hard day and know that despite how your day felt... you made a difference in someone's life. I don't plan on spending my nursing career at a nursing home. However, it is crazy rewarding. People don't get the care they deserve at all. Just last week I got emotional during a total bed bath because my resident hurt so bad from not being turned like she should. She wasn't mad at me. She trusted me to care for her, but I can't watch her the other 5 days or the week I'm not at clinical.
I've been pretty good at staying positive. I know it's the only way I'm going to make it through this next year of school. This week though... hellish. It all started this past weekend when I got sick. It may be allergies. It may be a respiratory thing I picked up at the nursing home. Regardless... I felt lousy this week even AFTER a visit to the doctor. It didn't help that we have this horrible [but necessary] thing called Med Check-Offs that start Monday. This past week we've hard to look through a bunch of papers that include physician's orders, patient summaries, MAR's, and scheduled med reports. We have to find errors, and get clarification for them from the "doctor" [a.k.a. our instructor]. Tuesday she gave us a deadline for questions for Friday [yesterday], and about two seconds later when uncapping a syringe I stabbed myself with a 22 gauge, 1 /1/2" needle. In my thumb. I am the queen of freak accidents. It hurt. Not terribly bad. BUT it was the straw that broke the camel's back. About 2 minutes later the tears started. Luckily it was lunch time, but I dried it up pretty fast. So I thought. I came back in to study med check-off stuff during lunch. I proceeded to cry during the entire lunch break. My instructor wasn't much help with the ever encouraging words "quit crying Megan". I eventually calmed myself to make it through my afternoon class, but it wasn't a good day. I was ready to quit.
It wasn't bad again until yesterday. I had a "I'm a genius moment" Thursday afternoon thanks to said instructor. The same instructor proceeded to cause me to go into hysterical sobbing Friday for about 3 hours. Here's the thing... call me crazy, but I need encouragement. I'm good at patient care. I'm social. I try to help everyone, and keep all my classmates upbeat. All my other classmates talk about how they always think they've done horrible during a skill, and than one of the instructors will give them a hug and/or say they did a good job. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I get zero encouragement at school. None. I've literally said I feel stupid [not even fishing for a compliment. Legit how I feel sometimes.] and the instructor[s] say nothing. Yesterday was my breaking point. I went into complete hysterics after school. I would be fine, and then I'd start crying. This continued for 3 hours. I figured out why it gets to me... cause it's mainly just this ONE instructor. She's my favorite instructor. PLUS she's a freaking licensed minister! And Women's Minister at her church. Yet she does this to me. I don't even think she realizes she does it, and I'm not even the only one she does it to.
Needless to say it was a rough week... particularly yesterday. I don't even think it would have been so bad if I'd not been sick all week, but still. Rough. I seriously thought I'd lost my mind. There have been theories from others that the instructors may not encourage me because they think I don't need it because I'm always smiling and encouraging others. Secretly I'm dying though. I'm riding the line of wanting to talk to the instructor, but at the same time I don't want to be "that person". I'm just struggling with the validity of my frustrations. Maybe I'm absolutely ridiculous for needing encouragement from my instructors.
Oh well... this week CLEARLY wasn't a week for me to start blogging about nursing school. I'm not too bad though... one bad week and I've been there since January. That's not a bad quota. This week is bound to be better. I'm not going to let them break me. Pray for me people. It's going to be a crazy ride.
So school is good. Clinical time is even better though. 3 weeks ago I would have told you there was no way I could give an old person a bath and change their diaper. That's just a lot of old person to look at. It doesn't bother me at all though. My first day of clinical time I helped change a colostomy bag... and I didn't puke. It's awesome to come home from a stressful, hard day and know that despite how your day felt... you made a difference in someone's life. I don't plan on spending my nursing career at a nursing home. However, it is crazy rewarding. People don't get the care they deserve at all. Just last week I got emotional during a total bed bath because my resident hurt so bad from not being turned like she should. She wasn't mad at me. She trusted me to care for her, but I can't watch her the other 5 days or the week I'm not at clinical.
I've been pretty good at staying positive. I know it's the only way I'm going to make it through this next year of school. This week though... hellish. It all started this past weekend when I got sick. It may be allergies. It may be a respiratory thing I picked up at the nursing home. Regardless... I felt lousy this week even AFTER a visit to the doctor. It didn't help that we have this horrible [but necessary] thing called Med Check-Offs that start Monday. This past week we've hard to look through a bunch of papers that include physician's orders, patient summaries, MAR's, and scheduled med reports. We have to find errors, and get clarification for them from the "doctor" [a.k.a. our instructor]. Tuesday she gave us a deadline for questions for Friday [yesterday], and about two seconds later when uncapping a syringe I stabbed myself with a 22 gauge, 1 /1/2" needle. In my thumb. I am the queen of freak accidents. It hurt. Not terribly bad. BUT it was the straw that broke the camel's back. About 2 minutes later the tears started. Luckily it was lunch time, but I dried it up pretty fast. So I thought. I came back in to study med check-off stuff during lunch. I proceeded to cry during the entire lunch break. My instructor wasn't much help with the ever encouraging words "quit crying Megan". I eventually calmed myself to make it through my afternoon class, but it wasn't a good day. I was ready to quit.
It wasn't bad again until yesterday. I had a "I'm a genius moment" Thursday afternoon thanks to said instructor. The same instructor proceeded to cause me to go into hysterical sobbing Friday for about 3 hours. Here's the thing... call me crazy, but I need encouragement. I'm good at patient care. I'm social. I try to help everyone, and keep all my classmates upbeat. All my other classmates talk about how they always think they've done horrible during a skill, and than one of the instructors will give them a hug and/or say they did a good job. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I get zero encouragement at school. None. I've literally said I feel stupid [not even fishing for a compliment. Legit how I feel sometimes.] and the instructor[s] say nothing. Yesterday was my breaking point. I went into complete hysterics after school. I would be fine, and then I'd start crying. This continued for 3 hours. I figured out why it gets to me... cause it's mainly just this ONE instructor. She's my favorite instructor. PLUS she's a freaking licensed minister! And Women's Minister at her church. Yet she does this to me. I don't even think she realizes she does it, and I'm not even the only one she does it to.
Needless to say it was a rough week... particularly yesterday. I don't even think it would have been so bad if I'd not been sick all week, but still. Rough. I seriously thought I'd lost my mind. There have been theories from others that the instructors may not encourage me because they think I don't need it because I'm always smiling and encouraging others. Secretly I'm dying though. I'm riding the line of wanting to talk to the instructor, but at the same time I don't want to be "that person". I'm just struggling with the validity of my frustrations. Maybe I'm absolutely ridiculous for needing encouragement from my instructors.
Oh well... this week CLEARLY wasn't a week for me to start blogging about nursing school. I'm not too bad though... one bad week and I've been there since January. That's not a bad quota. This week is bound to be better. I'm not going to let them break me. Pray for me people. It's going to be a crazy ride.
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