Hurt for A Hurt

I should really be studying. Reviewing my 2 patient summaries. Or maybe even sleeping right now. But I can't. I'm at a major crossroads with my dad. I don't even know how to go about typing it out so I'm just gonna roll with it.

I have 2 months left of school. That's it. A job is just not possible right now. So I asked him for help the next couple of months. I promptly was told that I basically needed to suck it up, and work while doing school. Here's the thing... I've worked 10 months of the year that this program takes. And I'm just now desperate for money. I've made crazy sacrifices to have money, and that's okay. I'm not all mad about it. It was something I had to do. Here's the thing though... I can only sell so much. So I decided it was time. Time to tell him how I felt. Because he not only told me to suck it up... he wanted to know what my problem was and that he felt cut off because he can't see anything on Facebook or Twitter. Is he a 12 year old? Apparently.

So I wrote a letter. Twice. I told him that I apparently wasn't quite ready to forgive him. That my problem was that he left me. He moved nearly 2000 miles away, and raised two boys that weren't even his. That he can't see anything on those two social sites because I didn't think he deserved to learn anything about me, and know who I was because of a social networking site. He didn't make the effort when I was young and it wasn't going to be that easy now. I told him that eventually I could forgive him and let him be a part of my life, but not now. Because every little thing he does that bothers me just rips open the wound and rub salt in it. I can't heal when he's a part of my life.

But I haven't sent it. Because here's the ironic thing... I don't want to hurt him. He's hurt me regularly my entire life. In ways that are going to effect every single relationship I have. Ways that DO effect every single relationship... including my friends. My family. My God. Then I got to thinking about why I can't seem to hurt him and it occurred to me. Don't you think that's kind of how God is with us? Don't think I'm getting all blasphemes... just go with me here. We hurt Him all the time when we sin, but He still loves us. He doesn't hurt us back. Here's my dilemma... I need to say those things to heal. I need to separate myself from my dad to heal because he causes me to struggle on an extremely regular basis. I just don't know how to say those things without hurting him. Quite frankly that infuriates me... because I don't want to care whether or not I hurt him. I do though.

I wish there were an "easy" button for this...