April 29th, 2011

that is a day that unbeknownst to me would start the wheels turning on what is working itself into an epic change in my life. i knew God put me at nursing school for a reason. i just thought it was to just help others by using my ministry degree. i had no idea He was going to use an instructor to change me.

tonight i felt the Holy Spirit move in my life like i haven't felt... well... ever. not like i did tonight anyway. it was comforting. i'm so overwhelmed by it i can't even focus to do homework or study. i'm tired, but wide awake. my head is absolutely spinning. i have joy, yet heartache. i am so blessed by the events over the past 4 weeks. there is no fear where peace is, and i am working toward that peace. i haven't felt peace in a really REALLY long time. i miss the inhibition that i had when i was younger. to worship my Savior like it was just me and Him. no one around. i'm running back Father.

i will never be the same person i was before i walked in those double doors on April 29th. never.

my God moves in mysterious ways. so thankful for His faithfulness even when i'm a prodigal.

to study or not to study?

this is a question i've had to start asking myself ALL THE TIME!!! i barely study and i make a high C or low B. i study my tail off, and barely pass. i don't study at all, like i did last night, and make an A. an A!! what the heck is up with that? and i didn't even take my A.D.D. medicine this morning before the test. it's like my own personal phenomenon.

it's been a good week ultimately. i started getting frustrated with my grades being so inconsistent even though i'm studying. so what did i do? i marched myself into my instructor's office to ask what i could do different. i told her it was kind of scary to me that people who had been making A's and B's were now making B's and C's so for someone who was already making B's, but mostly C's that didn't leave a lot of leeway, and that scared the MESS out of me. the kicker? she said keep up what i was doing. even bigger kicker? she said i've actually improved since last semester. [insert completely dumbfounded face here] see i'm still making B's and C's. which means i'm staying consistent compared to the other students who's grades are dropping. talk about perspective. so that made me a whole heck-of-a-lot better.

today i dropped some stuff off in her office when she wasn't in there, but the "director" guy of the program was in his office, which connects to my instructor's. i've known him since i was probably 10 at LEAST, was friends with, and graduated with his daughter. he asked how the program was going, and i basically shared the whole, "well i had a rough time with med check-offs just being stressed out, but there hasn't been a day where i didn't love being in this program. it's hard, but i didn't expect it to be easy. i only started having a rough time when i forgot why i was in this program, and who i was doing this program for. i really do love it though, even wiping a tush. i've done a lot of stuff in this program the past 5 months that i never thought i would or could do, but i wouldn't change any of it." he followed that with, "i think i'm going to have you talk to the new class when they get here in August. we need more guys and galls with your attitude, and passion for this." in my head i was like, "i'm sorry, what?!" but i told him definitely would. what an opportunity! and what a testimony to how others see me. i don't mean a testimony to the new class like, "oh look at me." i'm just talking about personally such a testimony to how God can work and open doors... even if that door is sending me out of my comfort zone since i'm totally insecure in front of people. still... amazing.

so i peace it out with this... i'm doing a Beth Moore study [who i think is BRILLIANT] called So Long Insecurity. story of my life. i found a sentence that made me laugh, but only because Smith has said this to me a couple of times. it's so true though, and i'm working on doing the latter with my insecurities...

"You can let your limitations make you either insecure or unstoppable."-Beth Moore/ Smith [not as eloquently]

truth.

contradictory feelings

so this whole new church/trying to find myself again/growing business is H-A-R-D! i'm happy, yet totally wrecked at the same time.

i know i'm totally holding back while at church. i'm not worshipping like i should. i use to be completely uninhibited. now i can't even raise my hands.

it's refreshing to be at a church where it's not formal, but i don't feel like i'm at church camp every time i go to church. it's right in the middle. i feel challenged every time i leave, but i feel so at peace too. peace, but being wrecked. how does that work? i guess it's more conviction and contemplation of what i've done.

learning a new church denomination is interesting too. however, it makes me realize more and more that it's not where you worship. it's Who. i have been shoved out of my comfort zone just walking in the doors of this church. merely because i am so intimidated by people. and what makes me angry is that i don't remember when i started being that way. it's definitely been eye opening. especially since my instructor gave me a book on the Holy Spirit. i don't think i've ever used my Christian Studies major as much as i have since i started this church journey.

it's definitely interesting. if i can just get past the guilt of not going to my home church that i've loved so much the past 10 years.

the point is this... i have had an intense desire to know Him more lately. to make Him my #1. i welcome the change, but it also scares me to death to.

i do know this, "When you encounter Jesus, you cannot remain unchanged."

8/

That's how I feel. 8/ shell shocked. This week has been a doozie with school. It hasn't been bad, but it's intercession which means fast and furious.

And then insecurity stuck its stupid face back in my picture after a couple of peaceful weeks.

Fan-freaking-tastic

funny thing

about the whole late night blogging... i don't remember writing ANY of that last post. wow. tired much? yes. yes i am.

this is gonna be short and sweet.

i went to a new church this morning. it was refreshing. and challenging.

they asked a question that really got me thinking...
would i rather die than live without Him?

and i thought about it, and... i hate to say this... but i wasn't sure. i mean i say i would. but there was definitely a time in my life where a part of me didn't care. a very recent time. the big question is did i get out of that completely, and i'm not quite... sure.

ouch. reality check much? indeed.

fighter

late night blogging is not my forte. and to make matters worse... my recently prescribed A.D.D. medicine, which has worked wonders in the classroom setting, makes me completely worthless creatively. apparently this is not uncommon with us A.D.D. people.

i'm going to a real service tomorrow at the church i went to the mini conference thing at. i'm nervous. excited, but still nervous. i don't like change. it pushes me out of my comfort zone, and makes me crazy insecure. me and change... we're not the best of friends. however, a week ago i felt something that i hadn't felt in a long time, if ever. i felt genuine worship, and admiration of our God. it kind of scares me to actively pursue this new church aspect of my life, but i think it scares me because i know i'm in for a dramatic change. this week has been a weird one of me sifting little by little through the things in my life i'm not happy about. whether it's been me deleting iPhone apps that may be funny, but that i would totally embarrassed if my grandpa saw it. all the way to breaking myself from cussing. it had turned into a terrible habit, and i wasn't a fan. i'm also trying to work on some anger issues that bare their ugly head, mainly, when i'm driving. it's been a progressive week, but i know it's going to take time. the point is that i felt something deep within me get sparked to change a week ago, and i'm in it for the long haul this time. i'm tired of fighting.

i may add more to this tomorrow, but...

my brain can't keep up with my fingers this late. yes... late to me is 10:30. don't judge. i'm barely able to keep my eyes open as i type this thing with what i can only assume will have ridiculous grammatical errors.

make a change

here's the deal... Friday. it was a big deal. i will never be the same person i was when i first walked in those two sets of double doors. and when i walked out i knew there were some things i needed to change. so i started cleaning out my closet. by NO means am i perfect. but i have no intentions of going any deeper in the hole i had dug myself into. therefore when my friends that were there want to make a change, and when i try and inquire about how they are, and if they want to go to church with me on Sunday and they shuffle around the answer... it kind of irritates me. this life is not about whether you're going to make someone mad. it's about your relationship with God. and i just kind of came to that realization recently. it's not worth it. i'm clearly not eloquent about this. i'm just frustrated. but i guess i'm kind of preaching at myself because i shouldn't care that they don't act like they want to change as bad i want to... i'm just focused on me, right?

i shouldn't blog when i'm tired.

tired

i'm fairly sure God is dealing with me in a major way, and i'm totally okay with it. however i'm walking the line of either being exhausted or not being able to sleep at night when it comes time for me to go to bed.

this was something that was said/read at Awaken on Friday night. i should probably read this every single day for the rest of my life.
AWAKEN III- WORD OF PROPHECY: APRIL 29TH, 2011
Some of you have struggled in the darkest moments, the darkest recesses of your life says the Lord. But harken your ears to me this day, for I am bringing you out of a time of desperation. Hear my voice, today. Hear me call to you. I am behind the door waiting for you to open it. Come to me says God. I want to love on you. I want to take you places you have never been before in me. I want to loose you of the things that have bound you for years, Oh the things that you have hidden in your heart from others I see them says the Lord. If you will give them to me tonight I will take them and I will dissolve them and you will see them no longer. I will take you to places you have never been in me. I will raise you up to be a mighty woman of God, a mighty warrior, one to go into cities and defeat the enemy in my name. O’ Listen to me today; don’t walk from me; don’t turn from me. Hear my words as I speak to your heart today. Hear my words.

You’ve been in a tomb for to long. I’ve called you forth many times. Many times in your life I have called you forth and you’ve heard my voice but you chose to stay in your comfort area. He says come forth today. When you come forth from that tomb, I will loose you of the grave clothes and the death that has hovered over you. Come forth today woman of God and I will free you. You must crucify yourself so that I may live within you, so that I may rise up within you. For resurrection cannot occur until a crucifixion has happened. Come forth from your tomb that you have stayed in. For the things you have dealt with, from the depression, from the hidden secrets, from all the anger you have hid in your heart, from the hurt that has came to you from others, you must give it to me to be free in me.
HEAR THE ROAR OF THE LION!
HEAR THE ROAR OF THE LION OF JUDAH!

Awaken

Friday
Oh man. I'm going to attempt to put the events of Friday night in writing. I don't know if I can so if you've read to this point congrats, and just bare with me.

I've grown up in Baptist churches. Now if you ask me what religion I am I'll tell you I'm a Christian because that's the ONLY thing that matters. However, if you ask my denomination I'll tell you Baptist, and NOT go into which branch because quite frankly all this denomination stuff makes me mad half the time.

Friday night I went to an event called Awaken. It was at one of my nursing instructors churches where she is the women's minister. It was the third one of these events, and I knew my instructor was speaking. Well she is a phenomenal woman [remember the letter to Smith? that's her.] Well she goes to a very... what's the word... EXUBERANT assembly of God church. She warned me of it, and said I was welcome to come she just didn't want to make me uncomfortable. She clearly knows my personality... I'm a quiet, rarely lift my hands to praise, don't dare move, Baptist girl. I was quite opposite at church camp, but it the grand scheme of things I'm a wallflower/socially retarded girl that just wants to stand out without being noticed. Yup... you read that right. :)

So I invited two of my other very dear friends Nikki and Christine. Nikki is like me. Christine is use to the excitable nature of A of God events because she grew up around it. I was very much aware that there was a 100% chance I was going to hear speaking in tongues for the first time, and quite frankly I was a little nervous. I know I'm an adult, legally, but I wasn't sure how I was going to take that in. Nik was in the same boat. We got the event, and just kind of hung in the middle of things. Worship started. It was a little crazy with jumping/dancing and hand raising, but I was totally digging it. I wasn't doing any of that, but I was into it. I missed that passion I use to have. There were two speakers that shared little blurbs about what God had done for them at previous Awaken events, and each one I felt like they were talking to me. By the time we got to the quiet worship song all 3 of us were in tears. I just had to close my eyes and be still.

Then it happened. The speaking in tongues. Right in the middle of worship, and everything and everyone stopped. It sounded like Hebrew maybe, and I've got to say... it was seriously one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Then it subsided, and worship continued. [my stomach is in knots just trying to explain all this by recounting it...] So we continued to worship, and the tears kept falling one by one, but not the ugly cry [thank goodness, but it was coming... believe me]. So Smith gets up there, and asks all the women [if they're comfortable] to come towards the front of the sanctuary. I led the 3 of us out, but we were still in the back of the group. Christine kind of moved in front of me, and then Nik stood behind me. Then the BIG worship started. And out of no where someone comes and gets Christine, and starts putting hands on her, and praying in words I can understand and praying in words I can't. I was broken for her. I was broken for me. And I just cried. I felt a hand on my back and it was Smith's mom. She prayed for me and Nik. Then the lady that took Christine came and asked if that was our friend, and we said yes and followed her to where are precious friend was. She was sobbing. We each grabbed a hand and just stood there. I'd spent the majority of this time crying, head down, eyes closed. Then someone took Nikki. Then the inevitable... I was led a few feet away too. For those of you who know me [Aleasa] I don't like to be touched. Particularly in my stomach. Well apparently that's a favorite area to lay hands, and let me tell ya one woman [who I have NO idea what she was wearing or looked like] was behind me the majority of this experience and there was close proximity... it's funny now because in real life I probably would have tripped out a little. Anyways!!

So I'm standing there. Basically weeping. And this woman has me from behind, and I can feel her hands trembling as she prays in this foreign tongue, and I just cried. Then another woman, who's identity I DO know, came in front of me, and grabbed my hand, and then put her hand on top of mine which happened to be a barrier between her and my stomach. Well she was praying in words I did understand. She was praying for specific things for me that she had no way of knowing. Things that my friends barely know. Things that you people know. Fear. Insecurity. Freedom from what binds me. I was to ugly cry by that point. I'm talking snot, red faced, tears streaming, ugly cry. She gets done, and walks away. Then this other lady came up. We'll call her "scarf lady" cause that's the only thing I remember about her. She came up, and prayed over some of the same things, but she kept saying over and over to me, "You don't have to look down. God wants you to look up at Him. You don't need to look down anymore. Jesus wrap her in Your arms. Let her feel Your arms tonight when she lays down in her bed" Holy cow. I was a mess. I lifted my head, and she just said, "there." Like... that's what He wanted me to get you to do. Then it was kind of over. I opened my very wet eyes, and she just smiled and said, "it's gonna be okay."

I have NO idea the time lapse during this time of much touching. To be honest... I was semi-resisting a Benny Hinn experience of someone putting their hand on me and me hitting the ground... Every time someone new came to pray I kept shifting my weight. Partly because I was tensed up, and locking my knees. That is bad news. However, it didn't matter.

When I looked up at the lady, Christine was right there, and we just grabbed each other and cried. Cried because we are both so broken in two extremely different ways. We walked back to our pew, and we all three just kind of put our hand on one another and sat. Weary. Contemplative. Relieved. Peaceful. We were kind of shell shocked I guess.

As we're sitting there just being still Smith walks up the pew in front of us, gets on her knees facing me and says, "come here" with her arms opened. I scooted forward and we embraced and I just laid my head on her shoulder and wept again. That broken "I don't know how I got here" cry. And she just loved on me. She prayed for me, and let me cry. I leaned back, and she kissed my forehead, and said she loved me. She worked her way to Christine and Nik to for a split second, and then we were left to process again.

Nik had to go so I walked her out to her car, and we just cried together again. We all 3 needed last night in a fierce way. I went back in for a few minutes, and then it was over. Smith never really spoke, but she spoke volumes to me.

All that to say this...

I've done a lot of stuff in my life I'm not proud of. I stay pretty lock and key over all my indiscretions especially on here. I can count on one hand the people that know my deepest, darkest secret, and unfortunately it seems like it kind of affected our relationship. Therefore, I've stayed tightlipped over it. None of my friends know. Zero. It's something I'm extremely embarrassed about. I begged for accountability from the people who know, and got nothing. I guess if it weren't still something I dealt with I could talk about it freely. However, since the struggle still looms almost every single day it's hard. The fact is... I can't get over it because I won't let myself. I beat myself up for it every single day. It got so bad recently that I've even dreamed about it, and wake up with the most painful guilt. I just need someone to care enough to ask, "have you struggled lately?" "what can I pray for you about?", and I kind of feel like God put Smith there for that reason. I'm going to talk to her more this week before our 3 day break.

The truth is I'm still trying to wrap my head around the events that happened last night. I was taught my entire life that speaking in tongues was wrong, but I don't think it is. You can't make that stuff up. It was is real, and it was incredible. All 3 of us were prayed over for specific things that these women had no way of knowing except a direct message from God. Call me crazy, but that changes a person. Also, to worship with an instructor in the way I did last night... absolutely amazing. It was awesome to see her in her real element. She loves nursing, but she does it just to pay the bills. What happened last night is where her heart is at, and I got to catch a glimpse of that.

I got shoved out of my comfort zone, but it was the best push I've ever had in my life. I will never ever be the same after last night. I've got to make changes, and they've already been turned into motion.