Table for One

This has been a tough week in single world. Most of the time I'm good. Just taking it all in stride because I know God has plans in that area. I know this is just a season. However, in my head, it's been a 27 year season a couple of years... since I'm trying not to be dramatic. God showed me this past year (by allowing me to absolutely get my heart broken) that I can, in fact, love deeply... and it be real. Because honestly... I didn't think I was capable of falling for someone. I figured my heart had been so ruined over my years of having a very absent father, that the ship had sailed on ever finding love. Boy did I find it... and it was unrequited. And my heart was shattered. I had to see for myself that I was capable of loving... and boy was I crazy about him. One of those- get giddy when I talk about him. Can't speak around him because I turn into this giggling idiot of a girl. It was bad... less bad... more uncharacteristic. There. That's a better word. It's been almost a year... and sometimes it still hurts. God showed me that He'd healed my heart though. For some reason this week has been particularly difficult. I'm in this awkward waiting time. I know He's bringing me someone. I also know that right now He wants me all to Himself. My selfish mind is going "you've had me 27 years!", then I hear His gently voice say, "no. I've had all of you for 2." Noted. Ouch.

The problem also lies in my constant telling God that He knows the desires of my heart, and that He gives people the desires of their heart. Then the next words out of my mouth are, "God take me where I've never been with You. Guide me footsteps. I don't want to do anything that is out of your will. I don't want to be in it if you're not." Then I get all nervous because I'm wondering, "what IF God doesn't plan on me ever marrying? What if He plans on me getting married so late in life that it would be silly, and irresponsible to have kids?" The list could go on. I've never been in this place before. The aching heart for companionship. The hurting heart because I love my friends kids so much, but so deeply desire to have kids of my own. It doesn't help when my mother makes comments like, "I'm never going to have grandkids", or "Are there any prospective men at your church, because if not you really need to get out and look more", or the most recent one, "you're nearly 30." For real? Because I had no idea how old I was. Seriously? And NO I will not leave a church just to go find a husband. God brought me to this church for a reason, and I have no doubt that if I'm going to find someone, it'll be there. I just want to ask my mother what happened to her thinking I was so responsible, and level headed. I was a school/career girl first, had my head on straight, and had plenty of time to get married and have kids. Now she acts like I'm failing because I've not done any of the above. 

To add to it, all my friends are either married, or married with babies. It's one of those moments where it's like you're standing still, and everyone else is rushing by moving on with their lives. Their "God plans". Mine is not moving that way. I mean... I'm in God's plan. No doubt. It's the first time I've NOT doubted whether I'm where He wants me. It's just... for once I feel like a piece of me is missing because I don't have "a person". I can honestly say that I've never in my life felt that way. It aggravates me a little to feel like that.

For now I guess I'll just pray for contentment in the moment, and continue to be the "fun pretend aunt/tagalong girl/table for one".

Still Learning...

So today I went to lunch with a friend. We normally go each week. It started off as "counseling" but with lunch. Now it's just two friends talking life and fellow-shipping. I love it. However, it is always horribly obvious how much phones, and media control our lives when we're together. It's constantly being on the phone. Whether talking or texting. It truly drives me nuts. I left lunch frustrated and with hurt feelings. I felt walked over and taken advantage of. Would she have had a 30 minutes conversation on the phone with someone if she'd gone to eat with some of the other ladies we're friends with? No. Most likely not. I really struggled with feeling like I was just backup that is easily pushed aside.
I was talking to my Cindy about it. My second momma. My anam cara [soul friend]. She told me to say something. And later on in the day I typed up a longish text. I even asked Cindy if it was okay. Then I couldn't send it. The same friend who is constantly on her phone? She's also the friend that the enemy has attacked the mess out of over the past 6 months. The one that is like my big sister. The one who depends on and looks to me to love her unconditionally. And I couldn't send the text. Cindy told me to use my own judgement on whether or not I sent the text. Frustrated Megan wanted to send it, but deep down [where rational Megan was temporarily stationed] couldn't do it.
I told Cindy I'd rather be hurt than risk hurting her feelings. She said I had to make up my mind. Huh? What does that even mean? So I asked. "About what? Letting people hurt me or confronting?" Then she blew my mind... which isn't uncommon. This is what she said, "Both. Do you know she will love you through the confrontation or do you love enough to not confront. Yikes... that stinks." That'd be a direct Cindy quote. Stinks? Holy cow! It more than stinks! But it made me think. It made me realize that I'd rather love enough to not confront, but I'd rather be confident and sure enough of her [my "sister"s] love for me that I CAN confront without fear of losing her love. Then I realized that I know she loves me. However, the only person whose love I don't question anymore, and know I don't just get used, is Cindy's. It's a self-worth and confidence issue. It's still working myself out of the grip of my past. I still struggle with the fact that just because you confront someone, it doesn't mean they're going to get mad, yell, and/or walk away from you. Confrontation does not and should not equal loss of love. Jesus confronted didn't He? People confronted Him! He still loved.
So I'm still learning. This love business... it's confusing for this formerly broken, shattered heart girl. God is at work though. He's got quite a job cut out. Fairly certain He can handle it though. ;)

Check me OUT

It's only been 9 days!!! That's not too shabby for being a horribly, inconsistent blogger.

It's been quite a week. I'm kind of in a season of being really, REALLY busy. I'm loving every bit of it. However, sometimes I'm a little worn out. The season is short though... we're coming up on our Awaken Women's Retreat. I'm so anxious I can't hardly stand it. It's going to be incredible. I mean... the name of it is "Intensity"!! All this has kind of put me "in charge" as the fundraising coordinator. It totally freaks me out. Mainly because I'm kind of, sort of in charge of raising money for the retreat. It's a huge responsibility... and a huge sum of money. I know God is faithful, and will provide what is needed for our women's ministry to be successful.

With the retreat drawing near... the enemy is working overtime. I don't know why it surprises me. He's a hateful, mean, conniving, deceitful little booger. He ticks me off. Big time. The fact that he is attacking my God-mom, my God-sis... ugh. I would take him with a water pistol. God has really been teaching me how to fight and intercede for people in pray. It's hard. It' makes you mad. Breaks your heart. Wears you smooth OUT. God is building my faith... because when it comes to the "spiritual gifts", faith is one of my lowest. That hurts my heart for some reason. So I'm really working on trusting Him. Being still. Quieting my frequently anxious heart. I get feel like I can take blows all day long, but I can't stand to watch those I love suffer. I had a good friend tell me that in one particular situation she felt like maybe God was using this to grow me. Even though it took me a little while to figure out what she was trying to say. I do feel like He is revealing some stuff to me [like my lack of faith].

I'm coming up on my two year "anniversary" of the night God totally rocked my world. He has continued to blow my mind every year [all 2], every month, week, day! Same friend who thinks God is up to something with me in these situations posed a question to me. She probably meant it to be rhetorical, but I'm gonna answer it. What would I have thought last year if someone had said you'd be where you are? I would have rolled my eyes, and probably done an uncomfortable laugh... accompanied with a sarcastic, negative remark. Seriously. He's done such a work in me. The more I reflect, the more I see His hand in everything that's happened [good or bad]. Go back two years... if someone had posed the same question... well... that's a whole other blog. Maybe. Lots and LOTS of personal stuff. NOT internet worthy. Because let's be honest... people put too much out there about themselves. Let's keep some privacy people!
Until next time...
Megan

one year [kind of]

I could wait and write a new blog post... one year after my last one. Though I'm sure NO ONE reads this thing anymore. This last year. Wow. I graduated nursing school June 22. I took [and passed] my boards about 3 weeks after that [July 20th I think?]. After a long, and what seemed torturous, waiting period of countless interviews. Being promised a job. Then it not working out. I finally got a job at a clinic. It's in a building with a LOT of other different specialty clinics. We're urgent care so I see something different all the time. Sometimes it's boring, but other times it's cool. There have been a few doozy stories that I just have to laugh about cause they're just ridiculous. I've grown so much this past year in my relationship with God. It still just takes my breath away. HE takes my breath away. I've found out that I can have really strong feelings for someone, and then I've had to pick up the pieces of a very broken, shattered heart. I have an incredible God momma who has my heart, and I absolutely adore. She has taught me how to love God, love people, and give my all for ministry. She has helped me to see a whole, big world in front of me. That I am loved. I can love. She's changed my world. It's not all been fun and feel good. The closer I get to God, the stronger the enemy has tried to take me out. He's pulled out all the stops. My family isn't having the easiest time because my Pawpaw [who is the most incredible, Godly man I know] is sick. He has early dementia, and it stinks to watch him change. I grasp strongly to the fact that he is still extremely with it. The situation could be worse, it just stinks because there's not a cure. So needless to say the enemy has attacked my family on a lot of levels. I've also watched, but continued to fight with all I had, as he has attacked my friend's and their bodies, their families, and their faith. In fact, the past 4 months have been really hard to deal with. There have been a lot of tears. Questions. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. There's one thing he can't take though, and that's my joy. Even with all that happens I know God is faithful. Some days it takes a little bit more convincing, but a good friend of mine at church told me about a month ago that when I feel like saying "I'm worried" to say "God is at work". Because He is. That's all I have for now. I'm hoping maybe, MAYBE, I'll update this a little more frequently then once a year, or once a month. Maybe we'll shoot for once a week. Baby steps.