Still Learning...

So today I went to lunch with a friend. We normally go each week. It started off as "counseling" but with lunch. Now it's just two friends talking life and fellow-shipping. I love it. However, it is always horribly obvious how much phones, and media control our lives when we're together. It's constantly being on the phone. Whether talking or texting. It truly drives me nuts. I left lunch frustrated and with hurt feelings. I felt walked over and taken advantage of. Would she have had a 30 minutes conversation on the phone with someone if she'd gone to eat with some of the other ladies we're friends with? No. Most likely not. I really struggled with feeling like I was just backup that is easily pushed aside.
I was talking to my Cindy about it. My second momma. My anam cara [soul friend]. She told me to say something. And later on in the day I typed up a longish text. I even asked Cindy if it was okay. Then I couldn't send it. The same friend who is constantly on her phone? She's also the friend that the enemy has attacked the mess out of over the past 6 months. The one that is like my big sister. The one who depends on and looks to me to love her unconditionally. And I couldn't send the text. Cindy told me to use my own judgement on whether or not I sent the text. Frustrated Megan wanted to send it, but deep down [where rational Megan was temporarily stationed] couldn't do it.
I told Cindy I'd rather be hurt than risk hurting her feelings. She said I had to make up my mind. Huh? What does that even mean? So I asked. "About what? Letting people hurt me or confronting?" Then she blew my mind... which isn't uncommon. This is what she said, "Both. Do you know she will love you through the confrontation or do you love enough to not confront. Yikes... that stinks." That'd be a direct Cindy quote. Stinks? Holy cow! It more than stinks! But it made me think. It made me realize that I'd rather love enough to not confront, but I'd rather be confident and sure enough of her [my "sister"s] love for me that I CAN confront without fear of losing her love. Then I realized that I know she loves me. However, the only person whose love I don't question anymore, and know I don't just get used, is Cindy's. It's a self-worth and confidence issue. It's still working myself out of the grip of my past. I still struggle with the fact that just because you confront someone, it doesn't mean they're going to get mad, yell, and/or walk away from you. Confrontation does not and should not equal loss of love. Jesus confronted didn't He? People confronted Him! He still loved.
So I'm still learning. This love business... it's confusing for this formerly broken, shattered heart girl. God is at work though. He's got quite a job cut out. Fairly certain He can handle it though. ;)