letter to smith

I've been struggling with a lot lately. I can say it's because of an instructor. I can say it's because of med check-offs. I can make a list a mile long of things I can blame my ridiculously out of control emotions on, but this is what it comes down to. I looked down. So I wrote a letter. To my instructor. It's raw for me. I don't share like this. With anyone. Here it is...

I've really debated whether or not to write this, but I felt like I needed to explain my behavior the past couple of weeks the only way I know how. I know I've been ridiculously emotional, and to be honest what you witnessed wasn't even the half of it.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that i am totally insecure of myself. I can fake confidence to most people who are around me, but when it comes right down to it I don't believe in myself the majority of the time. I use to be able to just roll with it and pretend by putting a "mask" on that everyone around me seemed to take as the actual Megan. I can't anymore...

The truth is I've let self- doubt hold me back from doing a lot of things with my life, and quite frankly I got tired of it. I've mainly just let life happen around me while I sat on the sidelines. I got tired of it and made the decision to follow my passion. I decided to believe in myself. Which is why I even applied for this program, and I've never wanted anything as bad as I wanted this. I jumped in a little timid, but full of confidence that I had this. It was mine and no one else's. I knew who I was doing this for and why. I forgot all that these past two weeks, and I just kind of spiraled out of control.

The thing is... I thrive a lot on words of encouragement from people. It's a major love language of mine... along with acts of kindness. I also base a lot of my self worth on what others think of me. When I start believing someone doesn't really care for me I get all panicky. Spiritually that is my weak spot, and Satan knows he can get me every single time with it.

This self doubt comes from several places. Whether this go around stemmed from my own personal demons that I've brought on myself or whether it's from other people's decisions that have directly impacted me in a huge way... it's absolutely debilitating every time. And you're right... I can either take things and beat myself up or I can learn from them. Depending on my relationship with God at the time effects how I respond.

I took my focus off God, and was putting my value on how others viewed me. That left the door open and me completely vulnerable for Satan to take my fears and blow them up to epic proportions. From experience, that turns me into someone who fights lessons and takes everything that someone says as a direct attack instead of a teaching moment... which I also know you've noticed.

These past few months have not just been a challenge to me academically [even though academics are always a challenge to me]. They have been a major challenge to my faith. It is mind blowing to go from a private Christian university where you know where most of your peers stand with their belief... to a public university. I realized once I got in the program that in no way was I leading an example of my life that reflected in a positive way of my Savior, and what He has done for me. I needed to get my life back on track. It's a constant challenge especially when you're unhappy at the church you attend because there's no place for anyone your age to go... and grow.

I know this is a lot of sharing. It's not easy for me either. I'm a fairly private person even with my family and closest friends. It's just that i felt like I needed to explain my behavior and where I stand right now. Spiritual warfare plus nursing school equals stressful in a big way. I just felt I could come to you because I think a lot of you and because you are so open in your faith.
I desperately want to be bold and confident. Please pray for my attitude that has turn extremely negative, and that I keep my focus on the Cross, and remember who I'm in this program for. I am not here by accident.

I'm giving this to her tomorrow. Talk about a step in being bolder...