conversations

These past three weeks. Goodness. This post took me 3 days to write. Yes. Three. So if you're brave enough to read it more power to you. Let's start at the beginning...

So three weeks ago yesterday [it was a Sunday... just go with it]. I was at church, which is basically where I live these days, and that night the sermon was on Faith. I was at a point at feeling extremely alone in this journey I've been on the past few months. I loved my little "Faith World", and but was desperate to share it with those in my "real world". I went to the altar that night and just cried. I've never cried over legitimately feeling alone. But I was there that night. I left that service knowing one thing... it was time to tell those at FBC that I wasn't coming back. I felt like God was whispering to my heart that I wasn't just keeping a simple "secret" by not telling anyone about my church change. I was ultimately hiding Him. I was keeping secret all that He had been doing for me. Why should I be afraid to show my joy? The joy that He had brought me the past 3 months. That would be reality check numero uno. [Never fear... He spiritually checked me a couple of more times just this past week. Ouch]. Anyways... I got in touch with the ones I needed to tell face to face, and planned it for that Wednesday.

Well that same day I was going to talk to these dear ones [I was a nervous wreck by the way], and one of my best friends emailed me at work. We started emailing back and forth, and she eventually asked if I would mind if she came to church that night just to see what it was about because she wanted that hunger that'd got ahold of me. I was pumped because one of my friends was going to come to church for once. Just once, right? Well I went and talked to my FBCers. They went better than I could have imagined, but were still hard.

So my friend came to church. I was super nervous just because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable with anything. Much to my surprise... she LOVED it. And I finally had someone in my "real world" that got it. Then I panicked. I realized that I was in a spot where I was still needing help being walked on this journey, yet all of a sudden I had this person I was having to walk with too... and explain things that even I was unsure of. I felt pressure like none other. Anyways.. Shelbi came back that Sunday night. That also happened to be the night [July 31st] that a woman named Charity who I had just met the day before spoke out a message that God might as well have tagged my name onto the front of message. It was like a direct hit. Thorns in the heart affecting my relationship with God? Indeed. It was so intensely powerful I had to sit down... and then me and Mrs. Cindy started laughing because it was just so bizarre how direct it was. Needless to say I ended up in the "prayer line" that night, and Shelbi ended up coming to pray over me with everyone else. That's where the guard went up. I was so aware of her being there that it caused a complete loss of focus. I eventually, after almost a week of feeling guilty, realized that this church thing wasn't about whether Shelbi was next to me. It wasn't "Shelbi & Megan worship time". My time at church was just that... my time with God. Me and Him. Period. That would be spiritual reality check dos.

So I go through this past week feeling just kind of "whatever". Well I had a friend that wasn't sure she was going to be able to come back to school in August because of money, and by "wasn't sure" I mean wasn't. At all. I was devastated because we have kind of helped each other stay up in this program. We were each other's sounding board. So Monday I told her that I just couldn't believe that God would close this door when He had opened so many for her to be there in the first place. I said I was going to pray about it, and she WOULD be in school. Next day I get a call, and she informed me there had been a mistake with her aid... she WAS going to be back. I was so stinkin' thrilled. Well on the way back from something at church that night I very clearly heard God ask me, "Why are you so able to believe I'll provide for other's needs, yet you don't even have faith like a mustard seed that I'll provide for YOU?" Um.. ouch? Spiritual reality check THREE!

The next day at church is our "Encounter" service. It's just Wednesday, but I love it. Well I just kind of meandered through service, and then it hit me. It was time. Time to talk about the ONE thing I never share. That the times I have shared it's bit me in the butt. However, it was clear that it was time. Here's the deal... 2 days before at Bible study I was asked afterwards to consider leading Bible study the next Monday [today]. I new I had to. I felt it. But Wednesday night I knew I couldn't until I came clean. So I met Mrs. Cindy Thursday. Have you ever had one of those moments where you felt that a conversation had the potential to change your relationship with that person forever, but you knew it had to happen. Welcome to where I was a week ago. Funny thing about that conversation… if anything it made us closer. And it was the first time I’ve talked about everything, and NOT cried. I know God has brought me to a place of realizing that those situations don’t define me anymore, ya know? So it was just a precious time to me with Mrs. Cindy. What started as a quick conversation in my head turned into us talking for an hour and a half. Just me and her in the big sanctuary chatting. Loved that moment.

Saturday I went to a friend’s little girls 2 year old birthday party… which is huge considering that little girl is a big part of what made me decide to go back to nursing school since she spent the first 5 weeks of life in Children’s. Afterwards I went out to see a friend from church for a “couple of hours”… yeah we talked from 8:30 until 3:30 in the morning NON-STOP! It was a neat conversation though being able to discuss church, and the whole Shelbi situation, and just life in general.

By the time Sunday rolled around not only was I tired from the late night conversation the night before, but I was stressed out about what God wanted me to speak about at Bible study. I really felt like I needed to talk about insecurity, but I just couldn’t figure out what or where to start. That night at church I was sitting on the front row [which I flip flop between that row with Mrs. Cindy or the row behind that one to sit with two other friends… just keeping things interesting. Haha!] Anyways, I went into church in a bad mood that night… like almost didn’t go because I was so pissy. Glad I did though. J It was an incredible night of worship, and when the pastor gave the altar call I didn’t feel like I needed to respond, but he encouraged everyone who didn’t feel like the needed to respond to at least fill the altar and pray for those who had. Well I just came off the pew and sat in the floor. I’ve worshiped before, but I feel like that night I really started to WORSHIP. It wasn’t without fight though. I sat there at first in tears because I honestly wasn’t sure I could keep on this journey. It’s hard, and most of the time I feel like I just don’t get it. However, just when I was thinking “I’m done”… and basically throwing a tantrum, the worship band started playing Revelation Song by Kari Jobe. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER! And something happened… I just raised my hand, continued praying, and worshiped the One of had brought me to this place. About that time Mrs. Cindy came and sat down and started praying for me. I didn’t know it was her because I looked up… it was one of those things where I just knew it was her because I felt her presence, and by no means do I mean that as equal to feeling God’s presence. I just mean I know her well enough to know when she’s near me. She’s what I refer to as my “church momma”. So immediately she starts whispering a prayer over me, which I can’t hear because altar call got a LOT loud that night, and I literally started sobbing. One of THOSE moments. I look up and she just kind of wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close. Let me just say… I don’t like to be loved on… and I don’t even let my own mother love on me the way Mrs. Cindy does. BUT the next words out of Mrs. Cindy’s mouth were, “isn’t it funny how God has allowed you to let me love you?” Yes. Funny indeed. Because honestly… it’s not normal for me to let someone get as close to me as Mrs. Cindy has. Even my closest friends aren’t ever that close to me because I won’t let them. I told her that I was feeling completely inadequate about leading study on Monday. That I knew He might wait until 10 minutes prior to tell me what I needed to do, but I still didn’t understand why He would choose someone like me, who was needing to be spiritually spoon fed right now, to lead. Then I was quickly reminded that He can use anyone.

Monday rolls around, and I had the longest and best conversation with a friend… I’m talking we talked for over 6 hours. It helped that we were working right next to each other that day. J but that night I went to Bible study, and it got about 5 minutes AFTER we were suppose to start, and no one but Mrs. Cindy had showed. I honestly had the nerve to believe God had answered my prayer for no one to show up. Dumb, right? Well eventually 4 people rolled in including a Carrie for moral support. So I start stuttering and stammering over insecurity, and I realized it wasn’t right. He didn’t necessarily want me talking about that. He wanted me tell my story about me coming to that church. So off I went, and boy did He bless it. It was so amazing and comforting to me to know that even the women who were born and raised in a Pentecostal church felt the way I did sometimes. We still talked about insecurity a little bit, but ultimately God used that time to teach me and everyone else that we all didn’t understand, completely, the things that happen sometimes, and how God moves. And this lady named Dora, who prayed at me at Awaken, and I think is pretty awesome said, “I don’t think I would want to serve a god I can understand.” Amen.

Then last night of all things at CR for the women to talk about in group… insecurity. Talk about God’s confirmation. So if you’ve made it through this entire post… congrats. I just need to document this stuff, and it’s faster for me to type than write because my brain moves at breaking the sound barrier pace sometimes. Ha!

This road I’m on, that we [especially as Believers] are all on, is a journey. Not a race. We don’t get to a spot and stay, at least we shouldn’t. We grow. We may stay there for a season or more, and then keep going. This is a journey I’m SUCH a fan of though.