Yesterday was R-O-U-G-H! I went to church last night. Typical good mood. Then during worship I felt so stinkin' attacked by the enemy. The "whys", and "what ifs", and "your nots" and all the other insecurities crept in. Then someone jokingly said something, but technically overstepped their boundaries in the process. It was all over then. I was frustrated, upset, and quite frankly pissed off. I just wanted to know when it was going to be my turn to worship freely. To give my all to the God that gave me His all. That's taken every single zig zagged step I've taken. That even though I kept running away, He was there with open arms when I came falling and torn back to His arms. I basically had a big tantrum from last night until this afternoon. I was in tears for longer than I care to think about. No one anyone said made me feel better. I was riding that line of wanting to talk to Mrs. Cindy and get advice, and wanting people to just leave me alone and forget about me because this whole process gets hard then just when I think I can catch my breath I feel attacked again. Mrs. Cindy said to me, "if you look back over the last 3 months and write down every spiritual accomplishment you had compared to the defeats they would far outweigh the bad." There was a whole lot of other conversation besides that, but that hit me. Yet I didn't want to look back. Then this afternoon I flipped open my group of friends Bible study book we did last summer. That I led. How I led it in the place I was in and we didn't come out worse I don't know, but here is what it said... [all the rest of this is in a Facebook note... which I NEVER write a personal note like that on FB. Too personal for the most impersonal social networking site EVER. Not to mention... everyone can see it. Few people I know, know about this blog. And I like it that way.] Anyways... here's what I wrote.
"Do you presently have a yearning for the presence of God? I'm not talking about guilty feelings or even conviction of sin when He's not your priority. I'm referring to a yearning for God that draws you over and over into His presence. A yearning that makes only a few days without time in prayer and His Word seem like an eternity"- Beth Moore 'Breaking Free'
Next to that paragraph, a year ago, I wrote "no". Today it's a very loud yes. A few days without and I'm feeling under attack like no other. My mood shifts, and it's like my world is crumbling. Just 4 short months ago I probably would have said "no" still. It's amazing to me how God has, and continues to, move in my life. It isn't without hard days. However, it is good. And there is JOY in my life that I don't think has ever been there in this magnitude. There are people that have God has put in my path to get me to this place, and for that I am so grateful. God got a hold of me, and I didn't even know I needed to be grabbed. He's capture my heart on a whole new level, and often times left me speechless. He's made me realize this is a journey. Not a race. I'm so thankful He knows what we need when we don't, and meets us where we're at. So blessed.
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