Walls

I clearly have walls built up. My best friends know it. Those I barely know are aware of it. My family I'm sure is aware of it. These past 4 months I've slowly tried to let God chip away at that wall. I can't even worship freely because I feel so... bound. If I give it all to Him, and I get hurt than I've given way too much. I know He won't hurt me though, and that's why I'm trying so stinkin' hard to let my walls down. To just give it over, and quit holding back. So today...

A lady spoke. Another lady translated. Walls. Break 'em down. Once again... God might as well have had them tack on my full name, date of birth, and SSN to that because it was me dead on. My prayer when I got home was, "break down the walls sweet Jesus". You wanna talk about instant issue request granted? Holy moly did it ever. Sort of.

My dad has been wanting to talk to me for a couple of days. He wanted to have a "deep conversation". Joy. I called yesterday. No answer. My friend from church said maybe it wasn't the right time to talk to him, and that God was protecting me. In my bad attitudeness I was thinking, "yeah whatever. My dad's just flaky." So I called today. No answer. He texts me back and asks to call in 5 minutes. An HOUR AND A HALF later I text him telling him it's been more than 5 minutes. He asks if he can call in 20. Yeah okay whatever fine. So he calls. He was wanting to discuss the "call" to ministry. Wanted to know how things have changed recently in my life regarding that, and a bunch of other stuff. I told him honest to goodness I couldn't explain it to even my best friends. He said his prayer is that eventually I'll be able to share with him. Bleck. I was still having a semi-tude at this point in the conversation, and all I could think was, "not happenin' mister". Too much hurt. So we continue to talk and I explain best I can about this whole transition. I said that my experience isn't going to be everyone's. God grabbing hold of me has manifested in a lot of different things... one in particular... getting rid of stuff. I have got an acute awareness of things just being material so I'm cleaning my house out. I changed my standards for a lot of other things too including what I watch and read. He asked who all had ministered to me the past 4 months. I told him several, but there's only been one that truly has impacted me in an irreversible way and that's Mrs Cindy. He asked why and I told him because she lets me go at my own pace. Never pushes me. She's my "protector". She knows I don't like to be touched really so she watches out for me if I go to pray. It was weird explaining it, but I did the best I could. So the conversation continues and then the wind got knocked out of me by his next question...

"How angry are you?" and in my head I thought, "I'm sorry, WHAT?!" Not in an angry way... more of a my brain went frantic with that ever so personal question. I had to play dumb just to get my bearings. Complete silence came from my end of the phone. So to stall I asked him, "concerning what?". Him- "About me and your mom divorcing." Still stalling, "like on a scale of 1 to 10?" I eventually told him it depended on the day, but most of the time I wasn't that angry. His next words seriously knocked me for a loop. "Well I want to apologize because I know it's my fault for you being the way you are." Huh?? That's right. For the first time ever my father admitted the divorce was his fault. He said he knew that me not liking to really be touched is his fault. It's all his fault. And then... he asked for my forgiveness. Now you know how it is when someone asks for forgiveness. You say, "oh yeah I forgive. Blah blah blah." Well... I didn't. For once in my life I was honest with him, and said, "I'm working on it." It's not mean. It's factual. And he said that it was all he could ask.

Apparently that short little prayer I shot heavenly a few hours before was a direct message cause it got answered. I feel like a big chip just fell out of my wall. Is it going to take time? Yes. But I know I can't honestly tell him right now I forgive him. Soon probably. But not today.

That God... He knocks me off my feet all the time.