so this whole new church/trying to find myself again/growing business is H-A-R-D! i'm happy, yet totally wrecked at the same time.
i know i'm totally holding back while at church. i'm not worshipping like i should. i use to be completely uninhibited. now i can't even raise my hands.
it's refreshing to be at a church where it's not formal, but i don't feel like i'm at church camp every time i go to church. it's right in the middle. i feel challenged every time i leave, but i feel so at peace too. peace, but being wrecked. how does that work? i guess it's more conviction and contemplation of what i've done.
learning a new church denomination is interesting too. however, it makes me realize more and more that it's not where you worship. it's Who. i have been shoved out of my comfort zone just walking in the doors of this church. merely because i am so intimidated by people. and what makes me angry is that i don't remember when i started being that way. it's definitely been eye opening. especially since my instructor gave me a book on the Holy Spirit. i don't think i've ever used my Christian Studies major as much as i have since i started this church journey.
it's definitely interesting. if i can just get past the guilt of not going to my home church that i've loved so much the past 10 years.
the point is this... i have had an intense desire to know Him more lately. to make Him my #1. i welcome the change, but it also scares me to death to.
i do know this, "When you encounter Jesus, you cannot remain unchanged."
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