Awaken

Friday
Oh man. I'm going to attempt to put the events of Friday night in writing. I don't know if I can so if you've read to this point congrats, and just bare with me.

I've grown up in Baptist churches. Now if you ask me what religion I am I'll tell you I'm a Christian because that's the ONLY thing that matters. However, if you ask my denomination I'll tell you Baptist, and NOT go into which branch because quite frankly all this denomination stuff makes me mad half the time.

Friday night I went to an event called Awaken. It was at one of my nursing instructors churches where she is the women's minister. It was the third one of these events, and I knew my instructor was speaking. Well she is a phenomenal woman [remember the letter to Smith? that's her.] Well she goes to a very... what's the word... EXUBERANT assembly of God church. She warned me of it, and said I was welcome to come she just didn't want to make me uncomfortable. She clearly knows my personality... I'm a quiet, rarely lift my hands to praise, don't dare move, Baptist girl. I was quite opposite at church camp, but it the grand scheme of things I'm a wallflower/socially retarded girl that just wants to stand out without being noticed. Yup... you read that right. :)

So I invited two of my other very dear friends Nikki and Christine. Nikki is like me. Christine is use to the excitable nature of A of God events because she grew up around it. I was very much aware that there was a 100% chance I was going to hear speaking in tongues for the first time, and quite frankly I was a little nervous. I know I'm an adult, legally, but I wasn't sure how I was going to take that in. Nik was in the same boat. We got the event, and just kind of hung in the middle of things. Worship started. It was a little crazy with jumping/dancing and hand raising, but I was totally digging it. I wasn't doing any of that, but I was into it. I missed that passion I use to have. There were two speakers that shared little blurbs about what God had done for them at previous Awaken events, and each one I felt like they were talking to me. By the time we got to the quiet worship song all 3 of us were in tears. I just had to close my eyes and be still.

Then it happened. The speaking in tongues. Right in the middle of worship, and everything and everyone stopped. It sounded like Hebrew maybe, and I've got to say... it was seriously one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Then it subsided, and worship continued. [my stomach is in knots just trying to explain all this by recounting it...] So we continued to worship, and the tears kept falling one by one, but not the ugly cry [thank goodness, but it was coming... believe me]. So Smith gets up there, and asks all the women [if they're comfortable] to come towards the front of the sanctuary. I led the 3 of us out, but we were still in the back of the group. Christine kind of moved in front of me, and then Nik stood behind me. Then the BIG worship started. And out of no where someone comes and gets Christine, and starts putting hands on her, and praying in words I can understand and praying in words I can't. I was broken for her. I was broken for me. And I just cried. I felt a hand on my back and it was Smith's mom. She prayed for me and Nik. Then the lady that took Christine came and asked if that was our friend, and we said yes and followed her to where are precious friend was. She was sobbing. We each grabbed a hand and just stood there. I'd spent the majority of this time crying, head down, eyes closed. Then someone took Nikki. Then the inevitable... I was led a few feet away too. For those of you who know me [Aleasa] I don't like to be touched. Particularly in my stomach. Well apparently that's a favorite area to lay hands, and let me tell ya one woman [who I have NO idea what she was wearing or looked like] was behind me the majority of this experience and there was close proximity... it's funny now because in real life I probably would have tripped out a little. Anyways!!

So I'm standing there. Basically weeping. And this woman has me from behind, and I can feel her hands trembling as she prays in this foreign tongue, and I just cried. Then another woman, who's identity I DO know, came in front of me, and grabbed my hand, and then put her hand on top of mine which happened to be a barrier between her and my stomach. Well she was praying in words I did understand. She was praying for specific things for me that she had no way of knowing. Things that my friends barely know. Things that you people know. Fear. Insecurity. Freedom from what binds me. I was to ugly cry by that point. I'm talking snot, red faced, tears streaming, ugly cry. She gets done, and walks away. Then this other lady came up. We'll call her "scarf lady" cause that's the only thing I remember about her. She came up, and prayed over some of the same things, but she kept saying over and over to me, "You don't have to look down. God wants you to look up at Him. You don't need to look down anymore. Jesus wrap her in Your arms. Let her feel Your arms tonight when she lays down in her bed" Holy cow. I was a mess. I lifted my head, and she just said, "there." Like... that's what He wanted me to get you to do. Then it was kind of over. I opened my very wet eyes, and she just smiled and said, "it's gonna be okay."

I have NO idea the time lapse during this time of much touching. To be honest... I was semi-resisting a Benny Hinn experience of someone putting their hand on me and me hitting the ground... Every time someone new came to pray I kept shifting my weight. Partly because I was tensed up, and locking my knees. That is bad news. However, it didn't matter.

When I looked up at the lady, Christine was right there, and we just grabbed each other and cried. Cried because we are both so broken in two extremely different ways. We walked back to our pew, and we all three just kind of put our hand on one another and sat. Weary. Contemplative. Relieved. Peaceful. We were kind of shell shocked I guess.

As we're sitting there just being still Smith walks up the pew in front of us, gets on her knees facing me and says, "come here" with her arms opened. I scooted forward and we embraced and I just laid my head on her shoulder and wept again. That broken "I don't know how I got here" cry. And she just loved on me. She prayed for me, and let me cry. I leaned back, and she kissed my forehead, and said she loved me. She worked her way to Christine and Nik to for a split second, and then we were left to process again.

Nik had to go so I walked her out to her car, and we just cried together again. We all 3 needed last night in a fierce way. I went back in for a few minutes, and then it was over. Smith never really spoke, but she spoke volumes to me.

All that to say this...

I've done a lot of stuff in my life I'm not proud of. I stay pretty lock and key over all my indiscretions especially on here. I can count on one hand the people that know my deepest, darkest secret, and unfortunately it seems like it kind of affected our relationship. Therefore, I've stayed tightlipped over it. None of my friends know. Zero. It's something I'm extremely embarrassed about. I begged for accountability from the people who know, and got nothing. I guess if it weren't still something I dealt with I could talk about it freely. However, since the struggle still looms almost every single day it's hard. The fact is... I can't get over it because I won't let myself. I beat myself up for it every single day. It got so bad recently that I've even dreamed about it, and wake up with the most painful guilt. I just need someone to care enough to ask, "have you struggled lately?" "what can I pray for you about?", and I kind of feel like God put Smith there for that reason. I'm going to talk to her more this week before our 3 day break.

The truth is I'm still trying to wrap my head around the events that happened last night. I was taught my entire life that speaking in tongues was wrong, but I don't think it is. You can't make that stuff up. It was is real, and it was incredible. All 3 of us were prayed over for specific things that these women had no way of knowing except a direct message from God. Call me crazy, but that changes a person. Also, to worship with an instructor in the way I did last night... absolutely amazing. It was awesome to see her in her real element. She loves nursing, but she does it just to pay the bills. What happened last night is where her heart is at, and I got to catch a glimpse of that.

I got shoved out of my comfort zone, but it was the best push I've ever had in my life. I will never ever be the same after last night. I've got to make changes, and they've already been turned into motion.